Falling in love... twice?

**stressed** · 01-23-2011 07:26 AM

I've been thinking about something:

We know about the chemicals involved in the brain during the "in love" phase, which lasts 2-3 years maximum. From then on comes the "love and closeness" stage. It has to end at some point because nobody can "survive" this longer, mentally and physically.

Yet, there are many cases where after the "madly in love stage" one of the two falls in love with somebody else, hence the chemicals reappear in the brain and the process happens again.

So, my question is, is it possible to "fall in love again" with the same person? Are the chemicals released only once for every person we meet, or can they be re-released in the future? If someone had been in love with a certain person in the past, can he fall for her again in the future? Or is this only a "one-time" situation?

**jns** · 01-23-2011 08:49 AM

It is almost the same as asking if some one can be addicted to heroin twice.

To fall in love twice with the same person, there would have to be a time gap sufficient for the base level of the response to start over again and for the person to forget most of the relationship. Girl and boy love each other as teenagers, then for whatever reason, maybe one moves away, never see each other for decades and have loving relationships with others during that time. Then circumstances bring them together again later in life and they fall in love again.

Love chemicals, like drugs, have both an upside and a downside. The upside is the elation of knowing someone you have affection for in an obsessive way. The downside is separation from that person, hence no bonding potential, which is the same as drug withdrawal symptoms. As time goes on there is less upside, but if you stay together, the downside doesn't present itself.

Biologically interesting is the Coolidge Effect, where we know that the chemicals are the same, just from mentally a different source. Maybe that isn't exactly true. Maybe the slightly different chemical signature from a different mate does cause a new, strong chemical response. Though porn, a visual medium, gives no chemical signature, but can cause a strong response. Random thoughts.

**WildChild** · 01-23-2011 08:51 AM

Good question Stressed. I think that research is just being to be able to really get a handle on all this, measuring it and understanding what goes on in our minds and bodies. I'll venture a guess that, yes, we can fall in love with the same person more than once. I've certainly known people who have done so. Whether the mechanism is the same, I don't know.

I think a great deal of it has to do with state of mind. We can and do condition ourselves to all sorts of things, rather like establishing a habit. If while we are in the infatuation phase, we establish a strong bond that is reinforced by shared interests or actvities, a continued sense of discovery, each person consciously making the other a priority in their life while still maintaining some of our own separate interests and a behavior that reinforces for both, that they are each others source of sexual pleasure, the so called infatuation should give way to an enduring, pleasurable love affair.

I've known couples from some widely varied backgrounds who had this. One couple came from a very repressive country, where women are rigidly suppressed and yet this couple who had several children and had been married for some years were like a pair love love birds. They didn't just love each other, they were simply delighted with each other. I know some older couples who settled had into the comfort stage but at some point just went gaga over each other again.

I think a great deal of this has to do with deciding, whether consciously or not, that this is IT, they are the one. But it has to be in an emotionally healthy way, not an obsessive, control thing. This has to be balanced, it has to come from both. If when you fantasize, it is about your lover, so that even your self pleasuring includes them, you reinforce this. If when you get out with freinds and such, your partner is still the one you trust most and share most with, if you can really respect each others viewpoint and insight and trust them to lovingly tell you the truth, you reinforce this. If you turn to each other to positively solve problems together, you strengthen the bond. It does take both doing this, it requires two people who are fully trustworthy to each other.

I do believe it can be created. It won't work if you can't both let go of your baggage and control dramas.

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-23-2011 09:10 AM

I don't think even a great deal of time, like jns had mentioned, has to pass to have those love chemicals re-booted. I think thats what people always talk about with keeping things fresh in relationships... because you can spark and respark and spark and respark your feelings for each other. So whether its a week long break, or some long distance break... people that are willing to work on surprising their s.o, making each other feel special, making each other blush and feel good... those chemicals that are released at the start... when people treat each other WELL, when people are unselfish and put their best effort forward... those chemicals don't have to go away.

I think where some people think some honeymoon phase ends, that some chemicals die off and ppl fall out of love... I think that is being confused with getting too comfortable, getting to lazy, allowing things to become boring, becoming selfish etc.

Ive known many women after a year of being with a man that change, that are like, meh... i never rly liked giving bj's... i'm done with em', I'm tired of wearing sexy panties.. I'm gonna wear a full snow suit to bed from now on, Men that after a year of dating that think, she knows i love her, i don't have to say it or show it anymore, she knows I think she's sexy, I don't need to tell her or treat her like it.

I think when people quit giving to each other, thats when those 'chemicals' die, when the honeymoon phase ends... etc. So in that line of thinking, I think that at anytime if both partners in a dead relationship want to feel the way they did at the start... i think they just have to start treating each other like they did at the start, if they realized that they have stopped. Stopped giving, stopped appreciating, stopped trying, stopped caring about their s.o's happiness... if they go back to treating the person liek they did when things were new, they'll feel new, always.

**oxy-moron** · 01-24-2011 04:53 PM

Unfortunately nature has put too many self protection circuits in place to make sure this doesn't happen.
Nature is not served by having a couple besotted with each other continuously.

Phenylethylamine which causes a lot of the feelgood and lust wears off after 2 to 3 years.

Chemicals like Vasopressin and oxytocin, also released during sex, are believed to interfere with the dopamine and serotonin mechanisms that support obsessive thought/love. They are also linked to memory. So, short of a bang on the head you are out of luck.

**oxy-moron** · 01-24-2011 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I think when people quit giving to each other, thats when those 'chemicals' die, when the honeymoon phase ends... etc. So in that line of thinking, I think that at anytime if both partners in a dead relationship want to feel the way they did at the start... i think they just have to start treating each other like they did at the start, if they realized that they have stopped. Stopped giving, stopped appreciating, stopped trying, stopped caring about their s.o's happiness... if they go back to treating the person liek they did when things were new, they'll feel new, always.

I agree that a lot of the good feelings can comeback to a relationship if things are done right as HD has said. It is almost like relationship fitness. You do the work ,make an effort and get the benefits however I don't know if the obsession phase could ever be restored.

**ItsASecret** · 01-24-2011 06:33 PM

You do the work ,make an effort and get the benefits however I don't know if the obsession phase could ever be restored.

I'm not sure either. I mean sure you can have a rush of various chemicals including everything from dopamine to vasopressin contributing to an overall 'honeymoon effect' but human behavior is not purely nature. It is a combination of nature and nurture (environment), that initial rush of chemicals plus the environmental interaction of being naive to this new lover contributes to that giddy ooo ahhh I love you phase. In theory I suppose having a sudden release of those same chemicals could contribute to a second "falling in love" but the environmental aspect has changed, you are now used to and know that lover. That aspect of excitement in the beginning of the relationship of not knowing how you two will interact, how fun things would be, and how you want to discover all these new personality traits your lover has. All of those things are a part of the honeymoon phase, once you have done that what is left? The honeymoon is over, the obsession is now gone because you know that person. The odd new spark may help I suppose, but not everyone can continue that for 10, 20, 30 or more years of marriage. You know how they behave you know what to expect from them you know you love them. That is all going to contribute to a different type of love, one that may not resemble the honeymoon love. The issue is not releasing those chemicals, we can do that with drugs if we really wanted to, the issue is that naive interaction from the initial relationship.

**WildChild** · 01-24-2011 08:20 PM

In part we may need to rethink how we define this. True loving takes up where infatuation leaves off. Then you need to start really exploring and getting deeper, you should have trust and some emotional security in the relationship that will allow you to open up to another level and form a connection that moves beyond just attraction and into the spiritual, where you love the true self of both of you.

**stressed** · 01-25-2011 02:11 AM

Very interesting opinions all and a wonderful read.

I can add that it's very unfortunate how difficult it seems to be to keep a relationship together after those 2-3 years, than fall for a new person (and many times be 'tricked' by the infatuation stage, believing there's more to it and everything is 'so much better than it currently is', which leads to divorces/cheating and so on). On the other hand, when 'deeper love' settles in it can be much more than enough to keep the relationship together, mostly emotionally and mentally, that perhaps this strong bond keeps the brain from releasing chemicals that would otherwise be released with somebody new.

There's a lot we still don't know about how the brain functions.

**rcoreyus** · 01-25-2011 01:13 PM

OK, just to throw in some confusion: What if we only expected relationships to last 1-2 years, and then went on to that wonderful infatuation stage with another person? Are people really happier in long term relationships?

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