Thread: My husband and porn

Was his watching porn directly affecting your sex life? Was he watching porn and turning you down for sex, or watching porn when you weren't available for sex? Do you know that he doesn't watch the video you made for him? Was it fairly normal porn, or some sort of fetish.

There are a LOT of threads on this and a lot of different opinions and it is probably worth reading them. There are some very good viewpoints (even if I don't agree with them).

My opinion is: Porn, masturbation, using sex toys are all the same type of thing. They are not a problem in a relationship IF they are not used to replace sex with your SO. If someone starts using any of these INSTEAD of having sex with their SO, then that is a big problem. The thing here that concerns me is that he wasn't watching the video you made for him.

BTW: I think withholding sex is not a good solution, it will just make him feel more justified in watching porn. In fact I'd suggest the opposite - tell him that any time he feels like watching porn, you will have sex with him instead. Make it clear that he can have you or the porn.

Lots of people will disagree with my position on this, but not all of them will bother to post because this has been discussed so many times.

Originally Posted by Ann26

I feel as if he has no respect for me and doesn't care if he hurts me. Why didn't he watch the video I made for him?... Am I not good enough anymore. I dont have the need to watch porn nor will I start. I just don't know what to do.

I can agree with this part. Yes, there are LOTS of threads on this subject, but it's okay to share your own individual story. Most women feel the same way as you do. Unfortunately many men do not respect their women enough on this issue. Even when you provided him with your own sexy videos/photos, that still wasn't enough. I don't get it either. I feel that if a man loves and respects his woman, and knows that him oogling and beating off to other women deeply hurts his partner, why wouldn't he WANT to stop so as to not hurt her? If I were doing some behavior/habit that really bothered my partner and made him feel insecure and un-sexy, and I knew he would want me to stop, I would, no question about it.

I think porn does affect ones sex life, regardless if they still are having sex. If one partner is beating off to porn all the time, or even sometimes, that's going to reduce the amount they want to have sex with their partner. Even if it's when they're not available - when they are available, the desire to have sex is less. If your partner is the only time you're "getting some," then likely it will happen more often with the partner.

I think a lot of men are addicted to porn, but not willing to admit it, because that would be a weakness, and men want to be in control. They say "all guys do it," but for one that isn't true, and two, a guy who views porn once a month is a LOT different than a guy who views porn daily, or "constantly" as you said... Maybe your husband needs to talk to a therapist to help him to stop. Clearly he has some kind of a problem if he is lying about it and hiding it from you. And, it's making you upset, so if he loves you, he should certainly try to work on this.

I believe that porn is caustic in more ways than one. It causes desensitising of real life intimacy and progresses to more unhealthy types of porn over time.
I also think that romance novels qualify as Intimacy porn where unlikely behaviours and scenarios are played out causing unrealistic expectations.

If people in a relationship are utilising either of these types of Porn then it can be an indicator that the Oxytocin hormone(Cuddle and bonding) level is low in the relationship.

Try an experiment -Boost his Oxytocin levels through massage, cuddles and casual touch. It will take a few weeks to a few months to work but he will drift away from porn.

Some findings demonstrating the power of oxytocin:

Oxytocin levels were higher in both men and women who reported greater partner support. (Grewen, 2005)

Oxytocin reduces antisocial behavior. The administration of oxytocin normalized social behaviors in animals exhibiting schizophrenia. (Lee, 2005)

Oxytocin counters cravings for sweets. (Billings, 2006).

Oxytocin reduces cravings. When scientists administered it to rodents who were addicted to cocaine, morphine, or heroin, the rats opted for less drugs, or showed fewer symptoms of withdrawal. (Kovacs, 1998)

Oxytocin promotes healthy social behavior. Administration of oxytocin reduces symptoms of autism. (Hollander, 2003)

What if the guys are looking at porn because of something we are doing? Porn doesn't judge or have expectations. If there are issues between the two of you maybe that's why he doesn't want to be close with you?

hi
I won't say this is necessarily the same .. but it's similar and it may help http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...hing-porn.html

Originally Posted by imirritated

What if the guys are looking at porn because of something we are doing? Porn doesn't judge or have expectations. If there are issues between the two of you maybe that's why he doesn't want to be close with you?

If that were the case, then he should have told her what she was doing that was causing him to watch and likely that would clear things up. Since she is feeling like sh!t because of him doing it, I'm sure she would be open to ammending whatever behavior she is doing, and then GREAT, problem solved No porn needed and a happy couple. However, unfortunately he lied to her about it, so it doesn't sound like he even wants to try fixing the problem.

I have the same exact issues, Ann. Whenever I go home to visit family, I come back and the internet history is unbelievable. When he was on deployment a couple years ago, I sent him a few racy pics of myself to him, and when we talked on webcam he got a few views of me. However, he came back with a new laptop and when I moved in with him I found TONS of pictures of those "motivational pictures" but I would say more than half of them were pretty much half naked women, girls kissing etc. Guess where they were? Saved in the SAME exact file my racy pictures were saved in on his desktop. As you can guess I was absolutely livid and boy did he get an earful for that, I'm sure our neighbors heard me loud and clear as well! After promising it wouldn't happen again, not long after I found in his phone internet history pictures of Pamela Anderson, doing her "thing". Then more saved pics on the laptop. He keeps claiming it's "not him" so I fight back "Well if it's not you, who the eff is it, the cats?!" Even if I try to ask him calmly why he's looking at all of this, he still denies it. It brings me to tears because he keeps saying it's not him yet it's just him and I living together, and I certainly don't look at anything that I've found. He knows I'm very self-conscious about my body and how I am in the bedroom as it is, and it doesn't help when I find crp like I've found and he completely denies it. I've often asked him how would he like it if I started looking at other men the way he looks at other women and he gets very upset; for him the very thought of me even THINKING of other guys gets him so emotional and jealous, yet I go away for a few days and he can't even have the decency to delete the internet history leaving me to find it. It really hurts and to this day I'm still trying to figure out why he does what he does :/

Personally I would set up a " Porn Protector " for your computers.

For a free Internet filter, K9 Web Blocker does its job well, providing a broad collection of options for customizing your remote Web supervision needs.

To run the program, you must register on the Web site to get the free activation code. The control panel is accessible only through the Internet. Uninstalling requires removing the app from the Task Manager, then using its password to delete it from the Windows Control Panel, and finally, rebooting. Because the password gets sent to the e-mail account of the person who registered the program, it's possible that an enterprising user could disable K9 on a shared computer.

Despite those drawbacks, K9 comes with a handful or so of predesigned filters and an option to customize. With more than 50 categories for organizing Web sites, and the keyword-free proprietary K9 rating system, the Web monitoring and blocking aspects of the software functioned well. K9 also has categories for blocking sites that have been detected as potential malware threats. Equally impressive, and a little bit scary, was the log that detailed not just blocked Web sites but also every Web site visited.

K9 Web Blocker is a good, free program for those who are concerned solely with Web surfing, but the lack of a chatware filter leaves some holes for predation.

K9 Web Protection is easy-to-use Parental Control and Internet filtering software that helps parents protect their children online. K9 Web Protection has the ability to block adult, porn and other offensive content, prevent spyware infections, and monitor visited sites on any Internet access connection (AOL, MSN, Yahoo, Earthlink). Based on commercial-grade Web filtering controls from Blue Coat Systems, K9 Web Protection is unique among content filters and it is free for home use. K9 can be configured as a porn blocker, a spyware stopper, a gambling filter or various other configurations based on our over 69 Web categories.

If He complains about it. I would then have some issues as to why he feels the Need for Porn or if he is Addicted to Porn and suggest counseling.