Valentine's Day heartbreak

**Annabelle** · 01-25-2011 03:39 PM

This may seem a little childish, but it really hurts. This is a little long as well, here goes...

I've spent the past three Valentine's Days with my current boyfriend, and obviously will be spending it with him again in a couple weeks. However, he doesn't see it as a "special day" like I do. Growing up I always thought "I can't wait to have someone to spend this day with!" He's the first person I've ever spent it with, other than those mandatory school parties where everyone gets gifts.

Anyway, our very first Valentine's Day together, I was working an opening shift while he was driving up to Maine from North Carolina. He showed up unexpectedly and I loved it. When I got out of work I spent a lot of money on a rose, candy, chocolate, the usual for him. We went out to dinner, drove around and that's about it. What did I get as a thank you? When he came back from his deployment, I helped him clean out his car (his parents didn't touch it once while he was gone for seven months) and found the single rose all shriveled up and black. Chocolates went untouched, I found the card under his bed at his parent's house, and a small teddy bear with a tin of candy that was unopened on the top bunk, along with a smooshed heart-shaped cookie that said "I love you" on it. Thanks a lot, hun.

The next year, we did absolutely nothing except chores, and the only thing I got from him was a card and flowers a week or so early because we had been fighting. Again, thanks.

Last year, I FINALLY talked him into doing something. We went our separate ways at the mall and bought each other gifts, but this was all against his will. We had a candle lit dinner at home and spent the rest of the night cuddling and watching a movie. However, it came time for him to go to bed and the day was ruined. I was on the phone with my sister, who I never see because she lives several states away, and he got upset because I wouldn't go to bed with him (not as in having sex, just going to bed and laying down with him). He went without me, and when I finally went in to lay down he basically blamed me, without actually coming out and saying it was my fault, for ruining his mood and the day "because I didn't go to bed when he did to end a 'good' day". Granted, last year was probably the best Valentine's Day I've had, but it was all because I kept nagging him to actually do something for it and it was pretty much against his will. He says he "doesn't understand why one day should be dedicated to show how much we love each other" when we show love for each other every day. I've tried explaining to him how much it hurts to see and hear of my friends celebrating it and here we are cleaning the house or I'm watching him play video games. I also hinted it's coming up soon, and he "jokingly" made a face and sighed, saying he was "going to wait until last minute" if he even got anything. I really don't want to sound selfish but this isn't really how I envisioned Valentine's Day to be :/ What should I do about this?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-25-2011 04:00 PM

Aweeee

Well, see Valentines Day really is a man made day, another reason for us to spend money, like Mother's Day Father's Day..

I see those days as being together....a card expressing thoughts....and that's it.

I see birthdays as special

Even though I am a real romantic....I remember when I was younger I too saw it the way you are, but guys are guys, it's like, oh she expects...I have to be romantic, well once a year? Yeah if your young why not?

Tell him once a year you both get to show just how clever you are, in suprising, so this year it's his turn, next year it's yours and lets see who's better at this..............

**rcoreyus** · 01-25-2011 05:20 PM

He may just not like "hallmark holidays" and feel its giving in to pop commercial culture to do something special that day. He may not understand that it really bothers you.

**LanaBear** · 01-25-2011 05:30 PM

I am completely not a Valentines Day person, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I loathe the holiday. It is an over commercialized excuse to get people to spend money. It really shouldn't be anymore special than any other day. Like CW, I see birthdays as being special. I think it is sad that so many people feel such pressure to do something great and special for a person that they love on one day when millions of other people are doing the same thing.

However, if you really feel that you need to celebrate it, then you need to really talk to him and tell him that you want it to be special.

**Olympia** · 01-25-2011 05:46 PM

I spent most of my life in a flower shop. I look upon it differently then most. But, that is the time of year that growers make their money. To heat a greenhouse for the lovely flowers that we buy. Then to the wholesalers, and ultimately the florists..
I am not fond of the commercialization, nor of the stereotype.. But i also understand the motivation, we lost 4 major growers in a 5 year span. And that hurt our business, and ultimately the quality of the flower.
But why not purchase a flower.. for no reason at all, JUST BECAUSE!

**Little_Miss_Me** · 01-27-2011 08:16 PM

Sometimes guys just don't listen. They argue. Instead of hearing what you're having to say when they ask "why does it matter", they simply listen to their own voice.

Write him a letter. Make it as honest and heartfelt as possible, without necessarily blaming him. Something along the lines of:

Please understand why Valentine's Day means something special to me. While I do think that everyone should show how much they love someone every day, this day is that one time of the year to go all out for the person they love. Romance, especially in a longer relationship, is usually dead. What's wrong with an amazing diner, lighting some candles, and spending every second just treasuring the gift we have? I love you, and one day out of the year, I just want to feel as if there's nothing more important in your life than me. So please, only make plans for you and me. For once, I simply want to be swept away -- and by you.

As I said, just be as heartfelt as possible without nagging. Write it since he can't argue with a letter, and pray to god it gets through his head, lol.

**asiangrace** · 01-27-2011 09:59 PM

Hey girl, I totally understand your plight here. My boyfriend use to be the same way when it came to ANY holiday. He was a total "humbug." I think our first valentine, I gave him a card/gift and he went out the day after to get me something because I got him something. Note, though, that I was not expecting anything from him. I am just a huge holiday person; I love them. Commercial and on. He is just not a holiday person. I like celebrating, he doesn't quite as much.
It use to bother me a lot that I had to plan EVERYTHING for holidays. He is NOT one to go make reservation at a nice restaurant and "surprise" me. I am the one making reservations, plans, dates, etc. This use to bother me a lot and I almost broke up with him a few times because I thought I couldn't handle being the "one-way-romantic" of the relationship. On my first birthday during our relationship with him, I had to plan my own birthday!

BUT you know, after a couple of years - yes it did take me that long - I learned that it is okay if holidays are important to me but that if I loved Ryan, I wouldn't hold his 'humbugness' against him. Now, I plan things because I want to and because I enjoy doing it; not expecting anything in return from him. He is such a good man and his good traits all outweigh that "bad" trait (which is not as bad as I was making it out to be at the beginning of our relationship)

He has gotten much better at not being such a humbug and actually recognizing holidays. I would just to just talk - kindly - to your boyfriend and tell him how that the holidays are important to you and something that you look forward to. I do not think he is trying to hurt you, maybe he was just not raised in a holiday-centered family. Other than that, there is really nothing else you can do except for YOU to just continue enjoying the holidays. If you dwell on what he is NOT doing, you are going to be just miserable :-(

So keep your chin up and just keep having fun with the holidays regardless of what he does.

**Colorado** · 01-27-2011 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by LanaBear

I am completely not a Valentines Day person, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I loathe the holiday. It is an over commercialized excuse to get people to spend money. It really shouldn't be anymore special than any other day. Like CW, I see birthdays as being special. I think it is sad that so many people feel such pressure to do something great and special for a person that they love on one day when millions of other people are doing the same thing.

However, if you really feel that you need to celebrate it, then you need to really talk to him and tell him that you want it to be special.

I feel exactly the same and don't think much of it at all. However, knowing that the wife does prize the day, I try to do something special for her.
Honestly though, if I got a box of candies or flower or something, it would probably just sit somewhere and gather dust too... I don't eat sweets, and there is no big deal in flowers and such for me.
There are way too many ways other than the commercialized propaganda that this day involves, to show that you really care for someone.

Again, I understand that it's not all one sided, and if SHE likes it - then so be it. Just stating that to me personally? I could care less.

**WildChild** · 01-27-2011 11:00 PM

I think a lack of Valentines Day romance is mostly an issue if you are short in the romance department the other 364 days a year. I can't think of a Valentines Day in the past couple decades that was one to remember.
I'll tell you, I used to work for a Greeting card company, setting up displays and restocking and such in several good sized stores. The absolute, unvarying pattern is that the cards that are for husbands or the wonderful man in my life, are mostly sold out several days before the 14th. Women spend hours reading cards, comparing them, looking for just the right sentiment.

The cards for wife or the lovely woman in my life are getting dusty, until lunch hour on the 14th. Then there is a Mob of men, running in to grab a card and a box of candy or some geegaw to go with it. I've been there and witnessed it. They Do Not spend an hour reading cards, looking for just the right one, they grab a likely possibility, glance to make sure it isn't a misplaced card for grandpa or an elderly aunt and run with it. At most they might look for one that is big or pink rather than red but that is about as refined as it gets. 10 mins tops, they are in, have a card and gift and are out the door.

I'd rather, on a random day, come home to find that he has made or brought dinner home, has some soft music playing and candles lit in the bedroom and offers a massage with his rough hands. That takes heck of a lot more thought and effort than the card and flowers bit on a designated day. (Granted I've had far too little of either)

**jns** · 01-27-2011 11:06 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

The cards for wife or the lovely woman in my life are getting dusty, until lunch hour on the 14th. Then there is a Mob of men, running in to grab a card and a box of candy or some geegaw to go with it. I've been there and witnessed it. They Do Not spend an hour reading cards, looking for just the right one, they grab a likely possibility, glance to make sure it isn't a misplaced card for grandpa or an elderly aunt and run with it. At most they might look for one that is big or pink rather than red but that is about as refined as it gets. 10 mins tops, they are in, have a card and gift and are out the door.

Hahaha, WC you have guys down to a T.