Open Relationships

**TahneeT** · 01-29-2011 09:51 PM

Hi there!

Just joined today for this specific reason .. open relationships. I need advice!! I can't turn to any friends or family in fear of complete and total embarassment and of course, lack of understanding!

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years now. In the first 6 months of dating, yes he did cheat on me, and since then hasn't. So he says. Lol.

As of lately he hasn't seemed very happy so I decided to just leave because his misery was really taking a toll on me. I moved back to moms house, and was just calling it a break to see how being apart treated us. He texts me the next night, I called him back and we talked. It all came out that the reason he was unhappy so much as of late was because he's been wanting to be in an open relationship.

Before me, he has had nothing but serious relationships with not much time inbetween them. Each relationship lasting about 2 years, and then ours - almost 4. He said "I'm young and don't really know what its like to just be single". Of course he said he loves me, doesn't want to lose me, and that he's hoping I'll understand that he really thinks this will work for us. I love him so much and the thought of an open relationship scares the out of me. But I don't think it'd be a horrible thing.

We are in our 20's (late 20's) lol. We are still young. I have an idea of what I want, and he's the man I want it with. I wouldn't change a thing about him and as many ups and downs as we have been through in the last 4 years, I really don't think there is anything we can't work through together.

I know he loves me, and I definitely love him. I'm willing to give this a try. I'm wondering if there is any advice out there that anyone can give me. Since the topic came up a week ago, I have been googling open relationships rules like crazy. Has anyone tried this? And if so, what advice would you give? And how did it work for you?

I'd really appreciate ANY input on this subject. Puh-leeze!! lol Please!! And thank you in advance!

-Tahnee

**jns** · 01-30-2011 12:30 AM

Has he told you what he wants to do? Does he want to have the ability to have one night stands and then come back to you or does he want longer relationships and finally come back to you? Does he want a sharing relationship where you share him with another woman? Will he be up front with the other women or will he not tell them what is going on? How do you feel about sharing him?

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-30-2011 12:54 AM

I think you would be setting yourself up for nothing but heartbreak if your only reason for wanting to enter in to an open relationship is to appease him, and sort of 'wait it out' til he's ready to settle down. Couples that have successful open relationships manage that because its what both parties equally desire. If the scales are unbalanced and you want fidelity and he wants to have cake and more cake and more cake... you will just end up becoming resentful and hurt and be possibly causing damage to your own self worth that will have an effect on future relationships should you decide to end this one.

Just think about it... and make sure its what YOU organically want... because if it isn't... its a bad move and you should just let him go and move on to a man that shares your idea of what a relationship should be.

It sounds like he wants to go get some action as a single man while having you as his safety net for when he works out all the bugs and sews his oats etc... and do you really want to be that person? You have to think about what makes you happy and what you want, not only what he wants and what it would take to keep him in your life... especially if it means you having to dull off feelings you organically have, teaching yourself to detach etc... in other words... anything that is going to force you to change the essence of who you are is too much.

But if this is what YOU want... then there are no rules to follow... except the ones you guys set with each other.. you guys would create your own, define your own bounderies, communication, honesty, trust... respect etc.

I just worry because you said he cheated before, and you don't seem 100 percent sure he hasn't since... that maybe you aren't settling for this open relationship idea because you think he isn't going to be faithful anyway... so at least if he tells you about it, you're in on on it, then its not really cheating, etc... any sort of justification that doesn't break your heart and keeps this man in your life... i hope thats not the case.. but those are questions you have to ask yourself.

Because if you want a faithful, committed man... they are out there... you don't need to sell your own happiness short, you really don't.

**stressed** · 01-30-2011 09:04 AM

I agree with HD and jns' questions.

You talk a lot about what 'he' wants, but what do 'you' want? He wants an open relationship 'to experience life'. This means he's going to date and have sex with other women, while -in theory- you're also allowed to do the same.

- You seem to be in love with him and don't want anyone else. The things you want to do, you want to do them only with him.
- He seems unhappy in a committed relationship, either because he wants to cheat every once in a while, or because he wants to have sex with more women before he 'settles', or something else.

The risks with an open relationship in your situation are:

- He, or you, may fall for somebody else. Would you be able to handle this possibility?
- He's going to have sex with other women. Are you comfortable with this idea?
- Will he tell the others that he's with you but in an open relationship or just date/have sex with them?

It will indeed be a horrible thing if he has sex with 5 women and on the 6th one tells you "I'm in love with her - goodbye".

An open relationship means: To keep one's options open. That's what he wants to do. What do you want?

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-30-2011 09:18 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

Will he tell the others that he's with you but in an open relationship or just date/have sex with them?

This is something that I'm doubting. There are lots of women that are down for casual, unnattached sex... but most women are looking for something that has the remote possibility of leading to something on-going. That being said, a man approaching them with 'look, i've found the woman for me, I'm in a relationship.. but its open and I can explore sex with other partners" will likely get met with a raised eyebrow and an immediate loss of interest on the part of the woman he is persuing sex with.

So chances are he will just be dating women as if he's a single man, so if thats the case... 'open relationship' would really mean... that you are open to still being with him while he is doing whatever he wants on the side.

Most women want to be the apple of the man they are withs eyes... and going into it knowing he already has what he wants emotionally and is just looking for a different body to plug it into now and then would be a major turn off for a lot of women.

**stressed** · 01-30-2011 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Most women want to be the apple of the man they are withs eyes... and going into it knowing he already has what he wants emotionally and is just looking for a different body to plug it into now and then would be a major turn off for a lot of women.

Hmmm... I'm not very sure about that. We hear a lot about men who are after one night stands, casual sex and so on. All these men must have done this with women who are also after the same, we can't always blame the men

It depends on the guy. There are the sneaky ones who promise relationships but are after sex, but there are those who are open from the start. It's like saying all women have marriage on their minds when they start a relationship, which is not true.

**stressed** · 01-30-2011 09:58 AM

[double post]

**fatal_gal** · 01-30-2011 10:06 AM

Hi Tahnee,

Well I was struggling with the same question a couple of months back. I was moving overseas for studies and he was staying in the country for a job. We were already having a lot of trouble in our relationship for the past yr and yes even we've been together for 4 yrs. He told me the very same thing, that he wanted to xplore, coz i was his first relationship and we were serious. So he had been with no other woman than me.

However, here is the thing. I understand you've forgiven him cheating on you once, so you are not that against it. I, on the other hand, would not have been able to sleep for days together if I even suspected he was cheating.

So, the two scenarios that can come up are:

1. If you let him have a open relationship, it might be a possibility, he wont even want to cheat on you !! Coz the adrenaline pump that the "cheating" thing gives to some people, is because it is not "legal" per se. Open relationship take the edge off the cheating thing, if you've given him license to have sex with another gal, its no longer "cheating". He isn't breaking any rules now. And that might be a reason, he wont even want to cheat.

2. It might also be that he finds it extremely amazing, and when in the later years, if you get married, he would not be able to come back to being monogamous anymore.

What will he do? Its a question, whose answer you already know. You've known him for 4 yrs, your gut is already shouting out an answer to you. The reason you're confused is because you are scared of listening to yourself. Listen to your heart, and trust it. It wont make a wrong judgement on the person you love so intensely.

Now back to what I did. Actually, I dint really do anything, but it so happened that we broke up however, couldn't stay apart from each other. So when it came back to resuming our relationship, I asked for no commitment just a casual relationship. I don't know why i did it, but it seemed to be the right thing to do. And yes, my gut was right. Even though we never went into an open relationship, he had broken up with me technically. He could've done whatever he wanted, but he dint

Just as my heart said, that he wouldn't.

Also, spicing up your sex life could be an alternative. Free him from the bondage of commitment, which he obviously feels is a bondage, and be the gal of his dreams... (even if it means being a diff gal every night !! )

Take Care,
All the best

**TahneeT** · 02-17-2011 12:54 PM

Thanks everyone!

Heres an update.

I told him we'd try it. We decided we'd set rules. However, when it came to setting them, he decided he didn't want rules. So I said fine. No rules. I decided to detatch myself from not wanting someone else, and not really wanting him to be with someone else. I didn't pursue anyone, but I did however flirt. My other half decided he wouldn't pursue anyone and just "go with the flow". So while he played twenty questions with me over every call, text or email... I had a hint of hope that things could go back to the way they were. BUT the arguements followed, feelings were hurts, mean things were said.. it later came out that his bright idea to see other people was caused by something that I suppose shouln't have caught me off gaurd. I should have saw it coming.. He loves me but just not that way any more I guess. Getting him to say this and admit this is like pulling teeth .. worse even. He still wont admit to any of his thoughts or feelings. I'm really just guessing. But overall I ended the relationship. 3 and a half years - gone. The life and home him and built together.. lol he still has, just without me in it. Boooo!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-17-2011 02:41 PM

Maybe he was testing you, or maybe some girl got his attraction and he thought if he used the open relationship card, he could cheat but still have you.

Bottom line is it was / is one sided. I believe that you wouldn't have gone through anything with anyone other than flirting because you love him and as a woman emotions are behind us.

And, I believe if any man had touched you, he'd be gone in a flash... anyway...

People don't play games and I feel he was playing one, he didn't want you to have anyone else, pride, but he intended to be a free man, whilst keeping you there...

Unfortunately people that aren't totally on the same page, will fall out of love but there is someone else out there therefore your meant to meet....

If he can't communicate and there has to be arguements instead, think about it.

CW