Sleeping in Separate beds?

**asiangrace** · 02-05-2011 08:23 AM

My boyfriend of over two years and I share a house. We have a healthy sex life, spend quality time together, and all in all have a very healthy physical and emotional relationship with each other.
Very recently - about a week ago - we started sleeping in separate beds. We find that we both get a better night sleep this way and wake up more refreshed in the morning. Also, that way, one of us can stay up late and do homework (me) or read (him) without disturbing the other. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, one of us finds our way to the other person's bed and snuggle together.

I may be jumping the gun but I hear horror stories about couples who sleep in separate beds. But maybe it is because they are unhappy in their relationship. I know for a fact that both of us are very happy.

Is this normal for couples to do? Will this have any long-term effects on us? What if we continue sleeping in separate beds after we get married?

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-05-2011 08:37 AM

I don't see what the problem would be as long as you are both affectionate, loving, sexual and attentive to each others needs when you are awake... where you sleep shouldn't negatively impact your relationship. What if you guys were not living with each other yet? Would you love him any less because you guys went to actual sleep in other houses most days of the week?

If you both know this is purely for sleep health and pick a night or two a week to snuggle and sleep together at night... it could be a healthy arrangement. I think the problem that comes with ppl sleeping in different beds is when its done to create a distance, sexually, emotionally etc...

But since you guys are 'all in' and this is just for the shut eye, i don't think it would have a negative effect at all.

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-05-2011 09:18 AM

Members of my family slept in seperate beds for more than fifty years and were married almost seventy. They held hands at every opportunity, were very complimentary of each other all of the time, were crazy nuts in love and everyone knew it. I assume they were active and happy in all aspects of their lives. They just weren't physically compatible sharing the same mattress.

Is this "normal"....I would ask you, what the heck does "normal" mean? It means very different things to many different people. So I would say whatever works for you is "normal" for you.

Have you discussed your concerns with your BF? What does he say?

I will also say that technology has come a long way too, so you may investigate alternative types of mattresses. I sleep on/share one that is made of Viscoelastic foam and carries the brand name Tempur - . I can literally walk on one side with a glass of wine on the other and not even make the glass move.... It works great for those late nights when she's already in bed, on the weekends she is here, or if I go to bed early and she comes to bed later.

We shared a coil spring mattress before and didn't get the same quality or quantity of sleep that we do now.

I don't mean to sound like a cheesy infomercial for that company but it works well for us.

I would discuss your conerns with your BF. Then consider investing in an alternative mattress if it really means that much to you.

It mattered a lot to us, that's why I bought the mattress to begin with and we are both happy that I did.

**jns** · 02-05-2011 08:08 PM

One of the things about sleeping together is that you have to accommodate the other. What SA talks about is very important along with snoring problems and tossing and turning. I tend to think sleeping together, not just when having sex or when feeling lonely, goes a long way in evening out the relationship. This does not mean you have to be draped over each other though. My wife's body temperature is so high that I sweat to death if she put's a leg over me.

**auntie_awesome** · 02-05-2011 09:32 PM

Sleep is important and unfortunately not getting it can really cut into a relationship. As long as your sex life and love for each other isn't suffering, there is no reason to feel worried or guilty. So many couples sleep in separate beds today...just google it and you'll find articles galore. Even I sleep on the couch occasionally just to get a good nights sleep.

**WildChild** · 02-05-2011 10:05 PM

Getting used to sharing a bed can be tough and sometimes seems impossible. Things like snoring, getting too hot, one of you wanting lots of covers and the other virtually none, can be difficult. My biggest seems to be that a fairly solid man who likes to snuggle can have you trying to sleep at a sideways slant. I know some people who have a sleep number bed and love it but they are a bit pricey.

Snoring can create and be a sign of some serious health issues. Keep an ear out, if it sounds like they aren't breathing sometimes, they have apnea, which can undermine their health.

**asiangrace** · 02-06-2011 11:10 PM

Thank you everyone for the reassurance and encouragement! I wish we could afford one of the specialized beds. It would be so nice!

Snoring is not the problem with us sleeping together. I think the main problem is that we both love to spread out and move around as much as we want too. I like to switch to the "cooler side" of the bed in the middle of the night. Tonight will be our sixth night sleeping in separate beds. I have felt more refreshed in the mornings. I will stop fretting about this since it seems like if every other aspect of our relationship is healthy, sleeping in separate beds should not be a negative issue!

**WildChild** · 02-06-2011 11:13 PM

Just make sure you are both free to slip in and wake the other up sometimes.

**oxy-moron** · 02-07-2011 06:31 PM

I think is it wise to make the effort to share a bed.
I know friends of my parents who are together for 40 Years have separate houses so I suppose it can work. However I always thought it was a bit strange.
I have always associated separate beds with unhappy relationships.
I suppose if you make a conscious effort at kissing or cuddling regularly to compensate for lost "close proximity time " you should be OK.

**BabyGirl** · 02-08-2011 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by oxy-moron

I think is it wise to make the effort to share a bed.
I know friends of my parents who are together for 40 Years have separate houses so I suppose it can work. However I always thought it was a bit strange.
I have always associated separate beds with unhappy relationships.
I suppose if you make a conscious effort at kissing or cuddling regularly to compensate for lost "close proximity time " you should be OK.

OXY.. I also knew a couple that had separate houses. This was in the 60's.

I really thought that was Weird. Even though Ricky & Lucy had Separate beds ( I love Lucy ) and I always wondered how they had Lil Ricky ? While my Mom & Step Dad slept in the same bed ? It was Confusing and I was too young to know about it all.

But this couple was married, if i remember about 30 years, they had Dinner together every night, went to the Community things going on as a Couple. But they didn't get along " Leave it To Beaver " way. They had no kids that were home, either home. lol

They lived on the same dirt road, houses about 2 blocks away from each other, Our house was the 3rd and last at the dead end on the river and we had to walk past both houses to catch the School bus.
Most morning there was Mr. M doing something in Mrs M's Yard,and afternoons there was Mrs M going to Mr M's carrying cookies or Bread or fruit or Whatever. Of course we always got a treat from her .

We didn't know they were married at first and as kids will be kids, tried to set them up. lol

They explained they had lived together and loved each other, but it came to they would/ could not Stand to be around each other 24/7 and instead of Divorce ( which was a Huge Pariah ) for Old people , late 50 ish , lol.

They chose to be together when they wanted and be separate when they wanted. It seemed a very strange relationship to a child that only saw 2 beds in a Tv show and 1 bed in their home for the " Parent/ Step / Married " and 3 Brothers in one bed.

Then to have my Parent and that Step Father Divorce, Have her marry another and have more " Family ".

I seriously think, Everyone, Woman, Man & Child, should have at least a Bed ( or Area) they can call their own. Then again I still watch leave it to Beaver, I love Lucy & Lil House on the Prairie.