I need snooping and relationship advice!!
Here's my situation:
My boyfriend and I have been together total of 3.5 years. However, this past year we were on a break where we were basically together without the title. During that time, I went on a vacation and came to find out he had slept with a girl and went on a couple dates. So I said, it's either sleeping with me and working on things or no me at all and we're officially done. He chose me, then about a month later we were doing great and he gets a text from the girl he had slept with and I saw it because I was using his phone at the time, and he took time to reassure me it was really random and he was sorry I saw that because he's not talking to her. Two days later, out of nowhere he TEXTS that it wasn't going to work out, and wouldn't respond to anything else I said. So we've recently got back together after he realized I was a great catch and not worth giving up on. However, I've recently learned all the stuff he had done while we were broken up. The day he texted me, he went to that girl's house that he had slept who had randomly texted him, and had sex with her. In fact all the girls I was a little nervous about that he reassured me they meant nothing, he went back to and had sex with them. I recently learned that his ex fling, that he was sex buddies with who has caused nothing but trouble for me and she is now married, sent him dirty pictures and they were talking the whole time we were broken up. The whole time we were broken up he would call me when there wasn't another girl in the picture and tell me he loved me and hates not talking to me, that it was so hard for him. Then that night at the bars he'd meet someone new and not talk to me for about a week. This happened about 4 times. I was a wreck, I failed out of school and lost about 15 pounds.
One day I decided I'm done with this, and stopped answering his texts and just moving on in my life. He started to get to me and I would small talk with him and it would drive him crazy that I was not really there on the back burner anymore. He realized I was moving on and he didn't have me. So he stopped everything he was doing and started to pursue me and talk to me about the changes he would like us to make to really make our relationship work. And we talked, went on dates, took things slow, and he asked me to be his girlfriend again. And I thought long and hard about it and said yes. (Due note that I also had dated people while I was moving on, but never slept with anyone).
So now, I have learned all that recent information about what he was doing and especially the stuff about his ex sex buddy through friends and by looking at his phone. I used to not be one that snooped but I thought it was ironic this girl randomly texted him and then he dumps me to sleep with her. And everyone else in his phone. And he had deleted most of it, but in his email I found about 20 pictures of his ex sex buddy, who is married, of her naked and doing things to herself. They were dated from when we broke up, however she had just texted him again today. I just happened to be next to his phone when it beeped and I picked it up. I know he's been ignoring her recently, and I just went ahead and deleted the text.
I feel myself going crazy. I want to check his phone all the time and I know this can't be healthy. Just after everything we've been through, and he's not the best at reassuring me or making me feel better about anything or giving me any confidence and trust in our relationship, I can't help but think he's always doing something he shouldn't. And I know he's not right now, but I think in his mind, it's not cheating if he doesn't physically do anything. I feel him talking to these girls after he's had sex with them or received dirty pictures from them is inappropriate now. He doesn't talk to anyone really except that ex sex buddy. And it's just hurting me, he will never tell me anything about talking to her because he doesn't feel it's wrong, but the only way I'll know is if I look at his phone. And I'm tired of feeling like I have to do that. And I know it's wrong because I'll see it, and then next time I look he's deleted their conversation.
Any advice on what to do or has anyone felt this way? I want to be with him but I think it's becoming me just afraid of feeling as hurt as I was before or just afraid someone else will make him happier. I'm just really confused and I know all of it happened when we were broken up, but it still hurts. All I think about now is if he's doing something he shouldn't. And he hides everything from me so it doesn't help. His facebook, his phone, his email, he's very protective over all of them. I want to just get it out of my mind but I can't seem to do that. He's a private person and doesn't like feeling like he's being monitored or watched all the time, but it's hard not to when every time I do look I find out something that hurts.
That's the gist of my situation, obviously there's a lot more details. Anything anyone wants to say, even if it's harsh, would help.
If you have to snoop on him, then there's obviously a reason. You feel he's not being honest. And in snooping, you're finding things you don't approve of. Either you have to trust him and not snoop or you have to be ok with the fact that he still talks to this woman. If it were me, I'd leave and find someone that I trust and feel secure with. Being alone is better than being in the situation you're in. That's just my opinion.
Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't/can't, move on.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
I would advise you to end this relationship, for the sake of your happiness. There is absolutely no trust in this relationship, and everyone knows you can't have a relationship without trust.
He's the one who needs to be making the changes. If you both have been in a relationship for three years together, there should be no reason to hide phones, facebooks, any of that. A serious commitment invloves open honesty. It's so easy with all these portals of communication to hide a side relationship with someone else. People nowadays tend to think because of that they can get away with it, and it makes it okay. It doesn't.He realized I was moving on and he didn't have me. So he stopped everything he was doing and started to pursue me and talk to me about the changes he would like us to make to really make our relationship work.
I don't blame you one bit for snooping through his phone. Especially if he is so protective over it. He has given you reason. I go through my boyfriends phone all the time because he tells me there is nothing he ever has to hide. I never find anything, and so he constantly reinforces that trust. I only go through his phone out of curiousity, and to make sure everything is staying straight, although I am not worried about it, he isn't possessive and even lets me watch over his shoulders as he facebooks. But I do the same for him in return. It's a two way street. That's how serious relationships should be.
Please, for your happiness, end the relationship. Tell him how it is, and don't accept excuses, or promises anymore. All your trust is gone. The sound of his phone chiming a text hurts you, and although that sounds almost ridiculous, its so true. I know, I've been there. And you shouldn't have to suffer that.
Sometimes I lay under the moon, and thank God I'm breathin'. And I pray, "Don't take me soon, 'cause I am here for reason..."
It sounds like he's set the foundation of your relationship to be one of fear and insecurity. Him telling you how much he loves and needs you then just texting you out of the blue that its over... then coming back, then leaving again... who could feel stable with that? Seems like he has you constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, that everytime he gets an opportunity to sleep with someone he's interested in... he's just going to break it off with you, do as he wishes then come back to your open arms. And it sounds like so far, he's been able to successfully do that, again and again.
There comes a point when you have to look at the man you have, quit thinking of the man he once was or the man you hope he'll be -- but instead focus on the man that he is, because that is who you are going to be with... and ask yourself if you are truly happy with HIM, or is it just the idea of what he could be if he decided to be faithful?
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel relaxed and loved... where you know he can go out and can meet girls and that he is not going to send you a text at 3am saying its over, I found someone else. I think number 1... you need to make it clear to him and most importantly, yourself.. that you aren't going to be there waiting for him the next time he 'needs a break' to sleep with others. And take comfort in that... relax in the relationship, and know okay... if he decides this isn't what he wants, it will be the last time.
When you are in love and in the thick of it, its hard to see past the person you are with... you think, its him, he's the one... and you will put up with so much to try to make that be true... when you take those rose colored glasses off and see what you have, what you really have... when you see what you are, what you are worth... and when you realize that there are men out there that won't treat you this way... that will make you feel secure and special... you will be able to leave him behind with no regrets.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
This is absolute gold.Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
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