This is hard

**bellekat** · 02-09-2011 03:07 PM

I'm in a situation that is very hard for me to think clearly in. I'm recently divorced and it's such a long story that I don't know where to start.

In a summary, if possible: he is extremely jealous, maybe paranoid/delusional jealousy from what I've read lately, gets extremely angry and upset over nothing, checked my phone, scoured my computer, planted a micro-tape recorder trying to catch me talking to someone on the phone while he was gone, pretended to be a stranger on a chat to try to 'catch' me flirting, basically spent 90% of our entire relationship (married and before), trying to catch me cheating and get me to confess, was angry at me thinking I had cheated (I never did), and raped me. The first time he did this, I was telling him to stop, leave me alone, and he kept on. The second time, I was afraid to tell him no, and was hoping he would get through without hurting me more than he was. The second time, it was very violent and I thought for a while I needed to go to the doctor.

After that second time, I filed for, and eventually got a divorce. I have moved to a different town about 1/2 hour from where we used to live and where he still lives. He has pushed me, yelled and screamed at me so much it scared me, called me a sl*t, and is constantly dwelling on the idea that I have been with someone else.

Even though we are living apart, he is pushing to get back together. Says he won't do any of those things again. He says he did those things because I made him angry. I know that's not right, and have told him that I'm not responsible for his actions, but in his mind, I'm still the reason he did what he did. If I won't do "this" or "that", he won't be the way he was before.

I miss him, and have feelings for him, and am afraid I will eventually let him move in with me here. I know somewhere inside that I shouldn't do that, but I don't know how to let this all go and tell him to leave me alone. We weren't married very long (less than a year) and dated about a year before. I met him right after coming out of a long-term emotionally abusive marriage.

Sometimes I feel trapped and so confused. There isn't anyone I can talk to that I want to know all of these details and would like any input here from others. This is getting me down and weighing heavily on me.

**Rhysenn** · 02-09-2011 05:08 PM

You need to stay strong and not get back together with him.
I know it's hard, and you probably think that things will be better if you let him into your life again, but they won't be. He's being abusive and you don't deserve being treated that way. Not only that but he obviously doen't even realise that he was doing something wrong. By saying that you are the reason for his actions, that if your doing something is what's causing him to act that way, it shows that he thinks he's completely justified in the way he's treating you. Which means he won't stop.
You said you went straight from on abusive relationship into this one, I think what you need is to learn how to be by yourself for a while.

**WildChild** · 02-09-2011 05:46 PM

Now you've had two abusive marriages. You need to get completely free of this jerk and then take some time and perhaps some counseling, to figure hout how you are going to ensure that you don't find another abusor. Its a tough cycle to break but break it you must. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Stay strong and stay away from him.

**bellekat** · 02-10-2011 05:35 PM

That's what I want to do, is be alone for a while. I've tried to tell him this over and over. Even when we met, I told him I wasn't looking for, or ready for a relationship. He pursued and told me he'd take his chances.. I also agree that some counseling would probably help, and have meant to for a while.

He said all the right things. Things I hadn't heard from my ex, and lavished attention on me. Made me feel loved. But it was all so fast, too fast, and I've always doubted his sincerity. I've tried to decide if he's using me, or if he just wants a relationship, I can't figure it out. When I'm not around him, it's a lot easier to think clearly. When he starts with all the sweet talk and things like he always did early in our relationship, it gets confusing.

The divorce and finally moving out right before it was final was so hard. I was sure it was what I needed to do, but it was so confusing listening to him profess his love for me, just like he still does. Sometimes it feels like my brain has been overloaded.

**caterpillar79** · 02-10-2011 10:58 PM

Have you considered counseling alone (and with him if you want to see where it leads the two of you)? Your decision of living on your own for a while is good for you (and him). If he doesn't respect that, it's his problem but if he continues to bug you, get a restraining order. I mean, things should be on your terms, to ensure your safety and well-being. It would be good to meet each other sometime in a counselor's office, either way - reconciling or divorcing - a professional can help you cope with either one.

Likewise, suggest that he goes to see a professional as well and hopefully he realizes his wrong-doings.

**JadedQueen** · 02-14-2011 03:44 AM

First things first.... you need to get a restraining order so he cannot come near you or call or harrass you in any way. Let me guess, he was charming at first, said and did all the right things, you fell in love with him and he became jealous/abusive? Has the jealousy/abuse gotten increasingly worse? Despite what he promises you, he is NOT going to change. He will continue to be jealous, paranoid, and the abuse will continue. Stay away from him and get a restraining order. He's not wired right and if you got back together with him it would not be a happy and healthy relationship.