Complications of attraction

**blueclouds** · 02-11-2011 03:30 PM

Hi kind people on this forum,

I'm not sure if this post fits perfectly into relationship, dating or sex but I hope this choice is ok.

Some of you already know some of my situation so far. For those who don't, I'm having a lot of difficulties at the moment with my boyfriend who I live with. One is that we're lacking passion and a sex life...

Well, I tried having a talk to my boyfriend last night. It was actually really good, the first good one we'd had in a long, long time. We very nearly got to the point of saying 'we will have to just be friends' because our relationship is quite platonic (I think that's the right word) but we settled on saying we're going to really try to work this out - try to slowly build up some sort of passion again.

My only concern is - can passion be created? I always thought it was just there or not there...

Anyway, that's not what this is about. Well, here's the thing. After the talk last night I felt a bit better and closer to my boyfriend. Even a bit hopeful.

Now this next part I hope you won't judge me badly on but I suppose if you do, you do. It's not intentional, I can't help it. Well, there's this attractive male friend I have in the place where I study. I went in today and we were working in a small group together and, we're not particularly close/friendly, but when I looked at him - he's so good looking - my hope went out the window. I guess lately I've been a bit more observant of other people - since I've been really struggling with the lack of sex in my relationship lately. I've found my eyes and daydreams wandering a bit, is that bad?

Anyway, I've noticed this particular guy. Then, when I saw him, I was overwhelmed with the fact I'd like to be sexual with him but not my boyfriend. It goes so far as I can imagine myself being sexual with others (not just him) but I feel like I don't want my boyfriend inside me. Sorry if that's too detailed but it's exactly how I feel.

Can anyone help me with this? I'm not sure what I should think of these feelings and this miniature crush I have. Although, it isn't just this person I've been noticing lately.

Thanks again.

**blueclouds** · 02-11-2011 06:57 PM

I know it's probably strange to reply to your own post but since I posted it I've felt a lot better and I think writing the post might have made things obvious to me. I now feel kind of foolish. I feel like it's really obvious that any fantasies haven't been a genuine interest or crush, only my way of badly dealing with my problems. I'm now thinking interest in these other people might be completely fictional but that it was how I dealt with the issues we haven't been dealing with in our relationship. I feel like rather than being sensible and understanding what was bothering me and sorting it, I've been transferring my unease to fantasising about other people a little in my head. Maybe this gave my imagination some escapism, a way out rather than dealing with stuff.

If you have time to share any thoughts I'd be grateful.

Thanks.

**rcoreyus** · 02-11-2011 07:00 PM

Its not at all unusual for you to be attracted to someone else if you don't have a satisfying sex life with your boyfriend. Sex is a really important need for many people. I think what is bad is to be in a relationship where your needs and desires aren't being met. There are many people who have posted here in other threads about the misery of living with someone you love, but where your sex life is bad or nonexistent. Most of these stories end badly, either with the relationship ending after a long period of unhappiness, or with someone feeling so trapped by a long term relationship that they can't leave.

I've spent 25 years waiting for this part of my otherwise great relationship to improve, and now need to accept that it never will. I don't recommend this solution.

**blueclouds** · 02-12-2011 05:11 AM

Thank you for your insight and honesty. That's something I'm afraid of - I don't want us to have to give up our sexuality to be together - even though we are close and good in other ways, I don't feel like it's right. We're still pretty young, I feel like we should be having sex at this age (with someone we can have sex with).

I feel for you, after 25 years it must be hard to accept that. Are you leaving the relationship? I'm sure this would be very difficult to do, more than I can imagine.

**rcoreyus** · 02-13-2011 11:08 PM

I considered the choices and am going to stay, and live with a very limited sex life. Its better than leaving the woman I love. That is after 25 years though, if it had been much less time, maybe my answer would have been different. I know its a very tough situation - it is possible to really love someone and have them really love you, but for sex to be poor or rare.

**stressed** · 02-14-2011 01:34 AM

Without passion and a sex life what you have is... a friendship. It is only a matter of time before you start looking at other men, fantasize about them and even flirt. It's absolutely normal.

I'm the other case of what rc mentioned above: I recently ended such a relationship after 4.5 years of unhappiness (2.5 living together and dealing with lack of passion from his side daily). Discussions only temporarily make you feel better, make you hope, they bring you closer, but unfortunately they don't create passion. The best you can bring out in such discussions is for him to tell you why he lacks passion (and be honest about it). I never got a clear answer from my ex fiance, maybe you'll get one from your guy, but it's hard to be optimistic about it.

Lack of passion and no sex life can drag you down, make you lose your self-esteem, make you feel resentful, and they usually cause other problems within the relationship, especially if you reach the point of talking about it frequently without any changes.

It's not worth staying in a passionless relationship. What has he told you about this? Why isn't he interested in sex? Maybe we can get a few ideas if we know his views on the subject.