Why do i keep trapping my Boyfriend into insulting me?

**teenie** · 02-14-2011 04:36 AM

My boyfriend is lovely and perfect and what you would call " a really nice sensitive decent guy" - you know, the ones there are none left off, the type you put hand cuffs on and marry the second you get a chance...
anyway
He wants to marry me.
But i have an issue with MY behavior, and he doesn't like it either and i want to change.

WHY do i trap him into insulting me. He tells me multiple compliments a day and i brush them off, say a lie "thank you" (because he told me to accept it so i try sometimes), insult myself repeatedly or tell him he is lying and get mad. ORRR I'll set him up for failure and say " i can't believe you mean that unless you say something bad about me, what don't you like?" and i say i wont get mad, and he'll say something. And i'll get mad, and then he'll say he lied and didn't mean that and said he only said it because i made him...Which makes me not trust him all over again, even less trust than before...

etc...

I know i sound REALLY juvenile and the fact is that I'm 23, but why do i do this? I know, i know, self esteem issues. But how can i stop? And not just "fake" it?

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-14-2011 06:09 AM

Lots of women set themsleves up to either be lied to or insulted.... "is her butt better than mine?" "Does this make me look fat?" etc... We are all guilty of sometimes putting guys in impossible positions to be honest in, or nice in - if they are being honest. I have issues with self-esteem and insecurities but when my boyfriend compliments me (and he does so often) I say THANK YOU. Thats it, thats all you have to say, you don't have to analyze it... you don't have to accuse him of exagerating or not meaning it when he tells you how smart you are, or how beautiful you are... etc -- just say thank you. Its easy, you just have to get use to it. '

If everytime you told your boyfriend something nice it blew up in your face, eventually you'd stop saying nice things. If he quit complimenting you at all, you'd probably start to feel a little down... so don't punish him for being nice and appreciating you. I think sometimes you can get down about yourself and forget that you aren't a charity case... that your boyfriend actually loves you, chose you to be with ... and is into you -- so guess what? He very likely means every compliment he gives. Stop questioning him and just enjoy the fact you have a bf that notices you.

**rcoreyus** · 02-14-2011 08:34 AM

I think he means all the compliments he gives you. I suspect your reaction is from insecurity - you can't believe he really fells that way - but he DOES. Try an experiment - after his compliments, rather than saying anything, just give him a hug and a kiss. (and don't forget to compliment him as well - men like to hear nice things too.)

**BabyGirl** · 02-14-2011 06:30 PM

My boyfriend is lovely and perfect and what you would call " a really nice sensitive decent guy" - you know, the ones there are none left off, the type you put hand cuffs on and marry the second you get a chance...
anyway
He wants to marry me.
But i have an issue with MY behavior, and he doesn't like it either and i want to change.

Honey, if you cannot accept the fact that he seems to really love you, find you attractive and is doing his best to Show you he cares, even to the point of Degrading you when You ask him too .

If you can't take an honest heartfelt compliment from a man that loves you,
Pass him on to a woman that yearns for someone to tell them pretty compliments or appreciate her and can just be honest about what Attracts him.

Any man or woman in love should never be forced to tell the other, the things they don't like,to pull out Negatives.

Though honest conversations before marriage or moving in together, should be discussed as far as habits, foods, chores and behaviors.

It seems that you may have Issues that are deep , possibly from your past
But....
It is time you just let go of the past and Enjoy the man you have now..

Love yourself. Look in the Mirror and see what He Loves about you . And then Just Shush and Bask in the Glory.

**stressed** · 02-15-2011 03:59 AM

I think it has to do with your self-esteem issues you mentioned. Are you happy with yourself? If you aren't then maybe you express this through anger/denial/mistrust to the person closest to you: your boyfriend. As if you subconsciously try to prove to him you're not worth him, he deserves better, that he can't possibly want to marry you being this perfect guy he is, and so on. As if you're pushing away a wonderful guy because you don't feel you deserve him, without really wanting to, it just happens. Maybe you feel you're not worthy of his compliments, so you react to them and fake the "thank you"'s. I could be wrong, but it's a thought.

Have you considered going for counseling? Do you have an idea of what causes your self-esteem issues? Are you happy with your current way of life, goals, and such?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-15-2011 06:47 AM

My boyfriend is lovely and perfect and what you would call " a really nice sensitive decent guy" - you know, the ones there are none left off, the type you put hand cuffs on and marry the second you get a chance...
anyway
He wants to marry me.

Perfect...on paper. But how does your heart feel about this man? Are you head over heels in love with him?

The last time I was like this with a guy....it was because he felt things for me that I didn't feel for him...therefore I didn't want to hear those things because it made me feel pressured to reciprocate when I truly didn't.

So ask yourself, do some soul searching, we know how he feels about you, but how do you truly feel about him?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-16-2011 04:33 PM

Perfect on paper in-deed BD

My fiance and I talked about this recently, he stated I wouldn't have liked him in my 20's and apart from the fact he was really cute, he's probably right,why? Because, I defined love as "attention"...when a boy would treat me a little mean, I saw that as love especially when he would add some control in it, it meant he didn't want anyone else to have me.

I was seeking approval, attention and trying to please.

You have none of that, because he accepts you the way you are and loves you the way you are.

You're not ready in my opinion to accept that because you don't love yourself ...Your not happy in yourself, probably life in general as well, work, finances, career, hobbies, body, hair, the whole lot...So you bait him because you want the "attention"...a different attention, someone to treat you a bit tougher.

If I was you, I'd realise that all that happened in your past, the way you may have been treated, be it family or previous men, even one night stands, is in the past and you can leave it there, you've grown and are amazing and now your going to do something with your life, with someone who believes in you and look at what you can start changing with your life, now.

CW

**Thomas Hepburn** · 02-17-2011 11:52 AM

You don't love yourself enough ! This guy does love you and you do not know how to accept it. Would you rather be in a relationship with someone who beat you?
You know, we men despair when we hear this kind of thing. We are constantly being told to be sensitive to our women, to be caring and loving etc etc. This guy is doing just that and he's treated like muck ! Start loving yourself from tomorrow. Start by sitting down and making a list of all the good things you do, and all the bad. All the things you like about yourself and those you don't.I did this exercise some years ago when I went through a difficult spell. The list of things I liked about myself (was honest, loving, wouldn't steal, worked hard etc etc) was a of a lot longer than the small list (of two or three things) that I didn't like about myself. Try it and see if you get the same results as me. I'm sure you will. Before we can accept love, we must be able to love ourselves. xx

**Midnite** · 02-26-2011 02:13 PM

Probably 1 of 2 things going on but you be the judge.
A. You have some self esteem issues and his love language is affirmations and when your not feeling self-love you reject compliments of another. You want to be validated not objectified.
B. Your heart isn't into him but you love the idea of him.

**oxy-moron** · 02-27-2011 08:33 PM

All of this is really over thinking the whole thing- Next time he compliments you and every time after that - smile , walk over to him and give him a big hug.
That all you have to do- He will be happy. You will have rewarded him and strengthened your bond- simple as that. No need to think about the ins and outs of what he said- he just wants his lady to feel good. Reward him.

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