Valentines day disaster! help!

**ZAIRA** · 02-15-2011 08:58 AM

Ok, I need some advice.

I've been dating this guy for some time now, and yesterday was our first Valentines day, and it was terrible! I know that he's not the romantic type, and I'm OK with that. But the other day (day before VDay) he spent the night at my place, we woke up and had coffee in bed, relaxed and had a great time. His phone rings, and it was one of his buddies calling him to go hang out, he literally ran out the door to go hang out with his friends ( i'm OK with everything at this point)

Later he calls me and ask if I want to go see a movie, and we go. Everything is fine up until now.

I would have liked maybe the typical dinner date, flowers, bed.... but like I said. He's not very romantic, and I'm accepting of that fact, and ok with it.

** there is one thing that I've told him I can't put up with. It's spending the night at his apartment. He lives next to the ocean, it's super humid and it's a little funky

not to mention that he has a twin bed, and he's twice my size, so it makes the sleeping arrangement a nightmare.

After the movie he askes me if I want to go see a car that we wants to buy (told you not romantic) I say sure, and we stop by my place to mapquest the directions of the car lot.

after we see the car I realize that he's just jumped on the interstate going towards his place. At first I don't say anything, but he could tell I wasn't very happy. Then he tells me that I need to smile more (that really gets me steaming, but I kept my cool) right before we get into his neighboorhood, he "asks" me if I want to spend the night at his place (In every relationship we make sacrifeces, I know i've made a lot! and I've asked him to make 1, and thats not to spend the night together at his place, because I just can't do it)

I tell him no, (at this point im on the verge of tears, because I can tell he's upset because that I don't want to go to his apat.)

we (reluctantly) go to my house, where he walks in kicks off his shoes, and turns on the TV. I sit down next to him (mad, but not showing it) then he lays down and starts falling asleep. At this point my hopes of salvaging the night are non existant. I was wearing new lingirie underneath my dress, and had a bottle of wine and a cake in the fridge......... but when he started snoring, I started crying (loud) I couldn't help it.......

any advice?

**pretzel** · 02-15-2011 09:11 AM

I don't want this to sound wrong (that's not my style) but in all honesty, I think you can do one of two things,

You can not say anything, try to justify it by saying "He's not the romantic type" and stay mad and steam up over this,

or

You can tell him in not so subtle words "There are certain days in the year where I want you to go above and beyond yourself to where I'm the most important thing in your life for that day. Valentines Day is one of them."

**asiangrace** · 02-15-2011 11:49 AM

I emphasize with you! My first Valentines with my boyfriend was... to put it nicely, extremely uneventful.
Holidays and milestones are important to me. It is something you're going to have to communicate to with your boyfriend. Don't hold it all inside or it's just going to eat you up. Don't get angry at him either. However, if holidays are important to you, it is going to be something you'll want to talk to him about and reach a compromise.

Here is my second suggestion: My boyfriend is not terribly romantic either but I love him to death still. It use to bother me that he wouldn't do much (anything) for holidays so I've taken it upon myself to make them fun! Since I've had that change of attitude, holidays have become much more fun and enjoyable. He's been participating too.

I think we rely too much on our SO to make the holidays special; why can't we make it special for them??

I know it's important for a girl to feel special, wanted, and sexy! We love romantic gestures. But sometimes, men are just not...romantic at all. So to make it fun, we get to be "in charge" of holidays! It may take a little while to get use to, but trust me...it gets better!

**Seeker_Advice** · 02-15-2011 12:32 PM

Ok, maybe I'm wrong, but the "tone of your typing" and what you typed doesn't sound to me like you "were fine" with any of it.

The two choices that I see that you have are 1) Continue to expect more from your guy than he is willing or able to do/give, without your requesting it, or 2) Take total control of these special "holiday by hallmark" days and make it fun as suggested by asiangrace above.

One of the biggest problems I read about in this forum is, in my opinion, people who settle, and yes, more often than not, it's the woman doing the settling.

Men need the dots real close together to see a line....hints don't work.

In the case of NOT sleeping at his place, remind him, with some frequency, until he gets the picture. Don't nag him, just remind him like "honey, remember that I don't sleep well at your house" or "I don't get much sleep when we sleep together at your house" instead of "I don't want to sleep at your house".

Being completely honest, I don't get how/why men forget or choose not to participate in "holidays by hallmark" or any other excuse for romance....like we should even need an excuse! I love doing all of that for the woman I am crazy about and more. She often has a difficult time accepting it from me (see previous threads/posts for explanation).

As a man, I think most men are really missing the boat...in part, because their women allow them too.

Never ever settle for anything less than all of you lovely ladies out there deserve. Men can be taught, men can be shown, men can be what you want us to be.

If I can do it, yours can do it too.

**WildChild** · 02-15-2011 01:03 PM

Have to chime in and agree with the men. Men don't do hints. They really, really, don't get it. Sometimes you have to be what seems really blunt and spell it out. No that's not romantic but if you keep doing it and giving positive reinforcement when he comes through, many will get it, given 20 years or so. I don't know why this is, it just is.

Its taken me a long time to get this and I've worked with a lot of men and listened to a lot of male conversation. Example" Guy to other Guys, "My wife says she hates my beard. She doesn't control me. (ha,ha) I'm not shaving it." WC, butting in, "Well if you want to do something that is a total turn off to her, go right on ahead. It's your love life"

That's how dumb they can be. Being macho can be more important than having your woman want to get close. Same guy, guaranteed, will be complaining about not getting any or enough next week. All you can do is roll your eyes and say, "how's that beard working for you?" The response will be a blank look.

I got lovely flowers for valentines. I'd told him when we first started dating to bring me flowers and he did. When we discussed that our schedule wasn't going to allow much time for the holiday, I suggested just going out another time. He made a comment that, "flowers are just a waste" and I told him, "They make me happy. I still want them." I got them and I made it worth the effort.

Basically you have to hit him over the head and spell it out and then give lots of positive reinforcement when he comes through. Make him feel like the greatest guy on the planet for doing this, even though you orchestrated and directed it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-15-2011 02:50 PM

You know when you want to suprise someone, you have to work out a way in which that will happen...

Your main problem I think, is that you had everything planned but nothing went to plan...So, your tears were from all day, visualising what was going to happen, the time you took to prepare it, knowing you looked sexy under-neath, and none of that occured, the ending.

Not all men are romantic, but you can't blame him for this... Yes, Valentines Day is in most ladies minds, a special day, but it's "man made" so that the shops make money

If I was you? In future? I would make sure he's aware that he's staying at your house "that night", without giving anything else away, and that you've got a call to take, at say 8pm, so that your there at the time, you need to be, to instigate what you wanted to...

In-other-words, nothing goes to plan if you don't plan...

You also have to discuss his living arrangement and you staying over, ie) a bigger bed, it's difficult for you to sleep.

Sounds to me that your not communicating what you really want, or need, or both need.

CW

**jns** · 02-15-2011 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

No that's not romantic but if you keep doing it and giving positive reinforcement when he comes through, many will get it, given 20 years or so. I don't know why this is, it just is.

...

I got lovely flowers for valentines. I'd told him when we first started dating to bring me flowers and he did. When we discussed that our schedule wasn't going to allow much time for the holiday, I suggested just going out another time. He made a comment that, "flowers are just a waste" and I told him, "They make me happy. I still want them." I got them and I made it worth the effort.

I got my wife a dozen red roses for Valentines Day without being asked. She was very happy. I've been married for 20 years. Maybe your onto something with that 20 years thing.

**jns** · 02-15-2011 08:04 PM

double

**auntie_awesome** · 02-15-2011 08:40 PM

I think you are going to have to communicate with him about how you feel about spending the night at his place. It's not fair to him if you just get upset with him and he doesn't know why or doesn't know how to fix it.

Second, if holidays are important to you, you will have to tell him. I had to tell my husband which holidays are important (Christmas and Thanksgiving) and which ones aren't (Birthday). Everything else is in the category "well, we can celebrate or not...whatever" lol....but the point is, I had to tell him. It gave him a chance to get it right and he continues to.

AND, Valentines is really just a day. My husband and I spent the night hitting store after store after store looking for a video game, lol. We came home and played video games and exercised. Not a typical Valentines, but we laughed and had fun.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-15-2011 08:51 PM

This isn't about whether or not he's romantic -- this about him not willing to put in the effort to make you happy. But... first I have to ask you if you let him know you wanted to the day to be special. Guys don't take hints, you have to spell it out... especially if he is kind of lost on how to 'do' valentines day. So you'd have to say to him, Id like us to do something special on Vday... and then if he ignored what you wanted -- then it would be clear he doesn't care or isn't thinking of you -- but if you are one of those girls that said oh i don't want anything, I don't care what we do -- you can't be shocked that he took you to a car lot and to his apt :P

He doesn't need to be romantic, he just needs to care about what you care about... even if he hated valentines day, if it means something to you... it should matter to him that it matters to you -- but again, he'd have to know it... did he know it?