Hard to Leave

**hellokittykel** · 03-01-2011 05:16 AM

I dont know what to do anymore. I am a 21 year old female who moved away from home to live with my boyfriend and go to school. My boyfriend of a year and a half is very verbally abusive. I dont have a right to get upset, there is no such thing as PMS. If I do get upset then it's really a matter of me changing. Well thats what he says. It started with the yelling back and forth (normal relationship stuff), then came grabbing and shoving. Not wanting to become a statistic of an abused woman, I pushed back and did my best to fight back. Everytime it got worse until one day he pushed me really hard and in defensive I punched him hard. Again it was all my fault. I felt disgusted and stopped touching him. Yet he didnt stop touching me. He slapped me across the face, pushed me into walls and shoved me to the ground. Tonight I was upset he didn't want to sleep in the bed so I got up and left. He called me and started to say Im such a selfish (EDIT) and a dumb (EDIT). He always does. He always talks about my family on how my mom deserved to get beat by my dad and I deserve the same. Yet I never say anything about his family. Anyway I tried to come back and talk to him, but then he told me that he talked to his friends and they said I need to change. HOW CAN THAT BE VALID IF I CANT EVEN EXPRESS MY POINT? So I yelled and he grabbed me and held his hand over my face, I couldn't breathe. I tried telling him but he kept saying to shut up. Finally he let go and I gasped for air and threw up. He kept going telling me "I never learn". I want so much to leave. I know this sounds silly, but I don't know how. I imagine facing my family to have to move home and fail school. Im not good alone, Id probably be so miserable that I would just give in. Thats the thing, I always give in because its just easier that way. Please help, I need advice on the steps to deal with leaving.

God Bless

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-01-2011 07:35 AM

From a man's perspective and someone old enough to be your father....

1) Call the police, non-emergency number, schedule an appointment to go and file a police report for EACH physical event that has taken place.

2) Call your parents and tell them what has happened. If you can't talk to your parents about it, call your pastor. If you don't have a pastorvcall a friend, neighbor, favorite aunt, favorite high school teacher....somebody....anybody who will listen and tell them you are moving home and may need their help. You are scared and you don't know what else to do....

3) Pack up your stuff and leave....soon....without his knowledge.

4) Stay in touch with whoever it is you've made contact with at home and let them know where you are, the route you're taking, etc. Stay in regular contact with them until you are back home safely.

5) Not knowing any information beyond what you've shared makes it challenging to advise you on what to do exactly.

6) If nothing else, make contact with a shelter for domestic violence victims in your home town (not the towm where you are currently living) and go there.

Get out. Get out now. And NEVER, EVER have any contact with this person again.

What are you waiting for? To be abused again?

I can't imagine any life being more "miserable" than the life of someone who is being abused....

**stressed** · 03-01-2011 08:44 AM

You pick up the phone, call your parents, and tell them your boyfriend is physically abusive towards you. You can also write the same words in an sms and send it to a relative. The receiver of the call/sms will take it from there.

Please call someone, I've gone through everything you've just described at your age.

**WildChild** · 03-01-2011 10:00 AM

Get out NOW!!!!
This guy is a total jerk and dangerous, very dangerous.
No discussion, no talking to him about it - get out!!!!

**LanaBear** · 03-01-2011 10:18 AM

Oh my, sweetie, LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. I'm absolutely sick to my stomach reading that.

You will end up another statistic. Call you mom, call the police, call anybody. Grab what you can and get out. This will not end well.

**rcoreyus** · 03-01-2011 10:44 AM

Why are you staying? He is dangerous and abusive.

You mention "failing school" - is that related to this? Would going home put you too far away from school?

Do you really think your family wouldn't take you back if they knew what was going on? If so, do you have friends, anyone you can stay with.

I don't know your relationship history, but his behavior is NOT normal. He is dangerous and abusive. Please don't feel that you need to put up with this sort of treatment - you don't

You need to leave. Anywhere is better that where you are now.

**hellokittykel** · 03-01-2011 04:27 PM

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

From a man's perspective and someone old enough to be your father....

1) Call the police, non-emergency number, schedule an appointment to go and file a police report for EACH physical event that has taken place.

2) Call your parents and tell them what has happened. If you can't talk to your parents about it, call your pastor. If you don't have a pastorvcall a friend, neighbor, favorite aunt, favorite high school teacher....somebody....anybody who will listen and tell them you are moving home and may need their help. You are scared and you don't know what else to do....

3) Pack up your stuff and leave....soon....without his knowledge.

4) Stay in touch with whoever it is you've made contact with at home and let them know where you are, the route you're taking, etc. Stay in regular contact with them until you are back home safely.

5) Not knowing any information beyond what you've shared makes it challenging to advise you on what to do exactly.

6) If nothing else, make contact with a shelter for domestic violence victims in your home town (not the towm where you are currently living) and go there.

Get out. Get out now. And NEVER, EVER have any contact with this person again.

What are you waiting for? To be abused again?

I can't imagine any life being more "miserable" than the life of someone who is being abused....

Thank You. Hearing this is like i told my dad. Im to afraid to tell him, but I feel as if he would have all the same responses. It's hard to believe or fully comply what is going on when your the subject, but it is extremely insightful to have someone put some sense into me. Thank You, God Bless.

**hellokittykel** · 03-01-2011 04:41 PM

Thank You so much for all the helpful posts. I really needed to hear it straight. I don't really have anyone to talk to because he has pushed all of my friends away. Telling my parents right now would only make them upset and disrupt there lives. I'm planning on moving home (same state, Hawaii, different island) and letting my parents know then. You guys are right, I DON'T want to be a statistic and I DON'T deserve this. Again, thank you so much for listening and taking time out to help.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-01-2011 06:17 PM

hellokittykel

I want you to know something.

Blood is thicker than water. Where you fear what your parents will say, you are wrong.

They will want to kill him trust me on this.

It doesn't matter when you tell them, what matters is you get all your belongings when he is not around and no matter what, you get out of that house NOW...

He took pleasure in all he did, he took pleasure in putting his hand over your mouth where you couldn't breathe...

He's not an abuser, he's a physcopath with serious, serious mental problems...

Worry about everything else after, but get out of that house TODAY..

Please come back and tell us, how you are..

CW

**BabyGirl** · 03-01-2011 06:22 PM

As the others have said, get out and get out as fast as you can.

Telling my parents right now would only make them upset and disrupt there lives.

Please re~think that part...
How do you think it will disrupt their lives if you are Killed or Maimed or end up " Missing" ? Those things will so much more " disrupt " their lives than you telling them and letting them help you out of a horrible situation.

School and work can wait. Safety of your Life cannot wait. Call the Police, file a report, ask for Battered Women's Shelters and Support. Many can help you back to Hawaii , if finances are a problem for you or your family. There are also Safe houses that you can go to while awaiting a way to get home.

Act normal until you can get out.. If he works, gather your most important things, some clothes, all ID and Photo's, Laptop or Computer or any Saved external Hard drives or Picture CD's DVD's.
Change all passwords on your comp ( if you cant take it with you ).

Drive or take a Bus to another town until you can get help home.

Do Not tell Anyone but the Police and your Trusted Family or Victims Advocate, where you are or will be.

It may take a day or two, but there is Help, you need to get it ASAP.
When you are away from him, do not Call him, accept calls, answer calls, emails, Facebook, Nothing !! Have No Contact with him at all.

It's the Old Saying " COLOR ME CLEAR " ...
Then start a new and happier life, one you Deserve.
Take care