Long, Please Help! Need Advice Badly!

**desiree1974** · 03-03-2011 11:54 AM

This is long, so please bear with me. Any advice I would appreciate. Let me start off by saying I have been married almost 16 years and we have been together for 21. I am married to a wonderful man, you will see what I am talking about as I tell you my story. I in no way want to hurt him anymore that I already have.

When my husband and I were first together we had a child almost 20 years ago. We were young and my husband did not do anything but drink, go out and party, etc. I could not take it and did not want our child around it, so I left. I moved out and moved to another town.

A few months later I started dating. We shared custody of our child. I met the most wonderful romantic man I have ever known. We had a wonderful relationship for about 6 months. He asked me to move in with him, he treated my child good, etc.

Well, around this same time my husband now, babies daddy then, decided to straighten up, told me he loved me, and asked me to marry him. I loved him still and did not want my baby to grow up in broken home so I said yes.

Well I just up and left my house, moved and quit all contact with this other man. In the meantime, guess what, I am pregnant. I know almost for a fact it is his. My husband now made me promise to never say anything and he said he would raise it as his own. He has and treats this child better than his own child.

No problems until here recently. I cant stop thinking, dreaming, etc of this other man. He has been married and divorced and had 2 children in these years. I found him on Facebook and Myspace. It is tearing me up inside. I feel and huge need to get a paternity test, one of those at home ones, to take and see for sure who the father is, my husband or him. He has no clue he may have another child out there. How can I give a test without the 16 year olds knowledge. The child would fiqure it out and ask. I never want my child to know. My husband said he could not stand it if this child found out he was not daddy, if that is the case. He has never wanted to know for certain.

I want to write an anonymous letter to this other man to ask if maybe in 10 or 15 years wherever we are in life, I would like to ask for his forgiveness and explain everything. I would liek to keep in touch with him until then strictly online. I do not want him to contact me. I am afraid if he sees my child he will know. I am scared if something happens he could be her only lieline or her brother and sister he has from another marriage.

Please help me I can not afford a therapist. I am without a job and my husband is losing his job shortly. Would you write that letter? Would you do the paternity test? How without the childs knowledge? Why after all these years is it tearing me apart? How can you love 2 men so much it nearly kills you? I am having health problems because of the stress. Please send advice my way. Help me get through this. Help me not to hurt my husband anymore. He is th ebest man ever, even though our relationship is awful. No sex, no romance, nothing. We never even do anything together. I think this is why.

**desiree1974** · 03-03-2011 12:01 PM

Oh yea, the results would only be for me. I would not tell anyone else.

**pretzel** · 03-03-2011 12:32 PM

Not sure if this is advice or not, but the last couple of lines in your OP seems pretty evident that this is why you feel the need to do this. Is your fear not what your life is now, but what your life could have been like with this other man? Are there regrets that things haven't worked out the way you had hoped with your husband causing the pain?

As for your main question, even though you say it would only be for you, I'm not sure of that. Say this other man was actually the father would you then have to wrestle with the questions of telling him? telling your husband? telling your children? Would the reprecussions of knowing this at this stage be worth the benefit of knowing for sure?

I don't know if it's right or wrong, I honestly don't. I just happen to think this may something you may not want to address until it's absolutely necessary. There may at some point in this child's life where a medical condition may arise either with themselves or potentially with their offspring. But, it may not. Right now, you know for sure it's either your husband or this other man.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-03-2011 12:44 PM

Would you write that letter? No

Would you do the paternity test? No

How without the childs knowledge? You can't and if you could that would only create more problems down the road. The days of being deceitful or thinking in a deceitful manner need to end. With perhaps one BIG exception, allowing that child to continue to live the only way they have ever known.

Why after all these years is it tearing me apart? It's called GUILT. You need to get help to work through your guilt. Blowing the lid off of this thing is only going to make it worse for the other man, your husband and MOST importantly, the child. You want to do this for you and that is the wrong reason IMO.

How can you love 2 men so much it nearly kills you? You can't, you only think you can and look where it got you.

I am having health problems because of the stress. I am not surprised...are you? Which is why you need to get some help. I don't care if you don't have jobs or insurance. There are organizations, Lutheran Social Services is one, that are income based that can help you. Find one.

Help me not to hurt my husband anymore. Only you can decide to stop hurting your husband and probably not until you get some help.

He is th ebest man ever, even though our relationship is awful. No sex, no romance, nothing. We never even do anything together. Read this statement 20 times and see if it makes any sense to you. It makes no sense to me. He is the best man ever, except A, B, C, D and E. If he was the BME, there'd be no A - E.

Clearly, you need some professional help to work through several important issues. DO NOT allow your current financial situation to prevent you from getting help. It's out there, you may have to make some effort to find it, but you can if you care to do so. Please DO NOT allow your desire/need to relieve some stress ruin or negatively impact three other lives....especially that child.

I answered your questions in bold type so it would be easy to differentiate between the two. I hope you or anybody else does not take offense to that, as none is intended.

My dad's only "sibling" was not his sibling at all but rather a first cousin who his father took from his sister, brought home and raised that child as his own until he passed. Even long after the death of their "father/uncle", my dad's sibling was NEVER told. They passed away from complications of cancer knowing that they had a family that loved them until the very end. That family consisted of a mother, father and a brother and that's all they ever knew.

Was it a secret ? YES. Was it kept all of those years in the best interest of all parties involved ? YES Because in the late 1920's you didn't get pregnant by another man without being scorned by society and everyone that knew you for the rest of your life. My grandfather did what he felt was best for his sister and her child, while making amazing sacrifices, at first, to his own family. Why did he do it? L - O - V - E

Please cosider this BEFORE you take action that WILL change three other lives FOREVER.

I will keep you in my prayers.

**Claret** · 03-03-2011 12:45 PM

My own feeling are that whenever possible a child has the right to know exactly who their parents are. It would be a sad thing for something to happen before they knew about each other and as days and years go by that could be the reality. Are you afraid of your husband leaving? If you told the other man would you be afraid of him wanting custody?

Before you jump the gun I'd suggest you try and find some community counselling and get fully in touch with why and when you would want to do this. Then, and if the time is right, it would have to be something you all do in concert with your husband, your child and you. I feel the other man has a right to know his child.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-03-2011 02:06 PM

I think you have settled into a place where you are starting to travel down 'oh what could have been... lane'. Think about why you really want to contact this man and if it truly has anything to do with your daughter... or if its just your need to reconnect with him in someway. If you were sure that the child was his, as you said in the beginning of the post... why the paternaty test? And if there is a possibly the man that said he would raise this child as his own regaurdless of the truth... why not let it be. Why tear apart your daughters life, your husbands life, this mans life... all to ease YOUR conscience? I don't think its fair for anyone involved. ESPECIALLY if the real reason is just wanting to be able to communicate with this man again... i'm not saying it is... I'm saying ask yourself what is any of this going to benefit anyone at this time.

Children are adopted all the time and have no knowledge of their biological parents or how to contact them, the instances that they would need to find them for a 'lifeline' would be so very rare and in the cases of closed adoptions, impossible to get anyway.

Your daughter is at a volitile time in her life... teenage years are NOT easy... she's already going through so much... dropping a daddy swap possibility on her right now can change the course of her direction... and maybe not positively. Perhaps if you feel you must let her know there is a possible alternative biological connection for her... you could find a better time to disclose that to her than in the midst of an already difficult phase of development... especially when there is no gain to be immediatly had.

**desiree1974** · 03-04-2011 08:29 AM

Thanks for the input. I see the majority thinks I should just let it all drop. If there is any way I could know for myself only, I would do it without any of the other people involved knowing, but there is no way. I should have done it when the baby was small and I did not. It just did not bother me until now. I keep thinking it would put my mind to rest if indeed it was my husband's child. I would be so happy if it was, but if it is not would I be able to rest and put these memories away. I just do not know. I am going to call around and see if there is any counseling I can find anywhere that is very little or free of charge.

I want to tell my husband how I am feeling, how I think we need counseling for our marriage, but I am afraid it will bring back to many open wounds. I know I did not do anything wrong in the relationship because we were not together then and it was all my husbands idea to do this with child and since we already had another one, not thinking of the future, I went ahead and said ok. All has been fine until just recently.

Granted we have never had a terrific relationship, but I do love him and feel he loves me. I think he just holds resentment towards me and the child, even though he will never admit that. I am just in a time where I want something more than he is giving me, I think, and do not know how to work through it.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-04-2011 09:02 AM

"I keep thinking it would put my mind to rest if indeed it was my husband's child."

He/She is your husband's child as he has raised he/she as his own all of these years.

"I am just in a time where I want something more than he is giving me, I think, and do not know how to work through it."

Then you need to talk about this with your husband with the help of a professional.

I want to tell my husband how I am feeling, how I think we need counseling for our marriage, but I am afraid it will bring back to many open wounds.

You need to tell your husband how you're feeling....today (IMO). You need to talk WITH him about counseling...today (IMO).
The largest open and biggest festering "wound" can be resentment if it goes "untreated", so that too needs to be addressed.

You have said some pretty powerful things and I think if you just re-read them, you might find some answers within them, as I feel that I have.

Please DO NOT let your perceived financial picture prevent you from seeking and receiving the help you need.

**WildChild** · 03-04-2011 09:33 AM

You do need to get clear. Your posts are contradictory. First you say,
" I am married to a wonderful man",
"My husband said he could not stand it if this child found out he was not daddy",
" He has and treats this child better than his own child",
"Why after all these years is it tearing me apart? How can you love 2 men so much it nearly kills you? I am having health problems because of the stress."
" Help me not to hurt my husband anymore. He is the best man ever,"
" our relationship is awful. No sex, no romance, nothing. We never even do anything together"

Then you say,
" Granted we have never had a terrific relationship,"
"I think he just holds resentment towards me and the child"
"I am just in a time where I want something more than he is giving me"

It seems you have more than one issue here and are confusing them. There is a big difference between what you want emotionally, sexually and in relationship and intimacy and what is best for your child.

You are the only one who can decide what is right and best. I don't think that you really know what that is. You have been pulled by your husband's choices, apparently based on some idea that as the male and breadwinner he had some superior knowlege? Or was the one better able to support you and your children? You left " the most wonderful romantic man I have ever known" to be with the father of your oldest child, with whom you say you never had a terrific relationship. Why? You didn't want your child to come from a broken home? But they had a home with a "wonderful" man who treated your child well.

You were with the second man for 6 months? That's not long, you don't know how long that relationship would have lasted and stayed good. You have a child who is nearly 20 and one who is 16, they are nearly grown but still quite vulnerable. You are facing financial stresses, as are many these days. I don't think the problem is that you love two men - you haven't even seen one of them for what 15, 16 years?

You are in your 40s? You can see the empty nest appoaching. You aren't employed, when was the last time you were? You and your husband have, " No sex, no romance, nothing. We never even do anything together." You are approaching or starting perimenopause. You need to make some life changes. Start with you and your relationship. Forget the man you left, at least for now and work on what you have. You can't change your husband but you can change how you respond to him. You say he is the "best" man. Well, start treating him like you mean that. Start treating yourself like a woman who has "the best".
Better diet, exersize, prioritizing and getting things done.
He is about to lose his job, what can you do to help fill the gap?

I think the line I bolded is the real issue. Guess what? That is really more about you than any man. Don't confuse yourself further by putting off on who fathered your child. If you want more out of life then have more, create more, do more, find what is meaningful and draws your passion. No one else will fill that void until you have become all that you can be.

What might have been? We all have them. If life were perfect...If we always made THE right choice...Why not try making what you have great?

As for your younger child's parentage, they have a father. By all accounts a loving father (or is he resentful?) anyway they have a father who has been there, provided and cared. Why would you rip that apart? For your own what ifs? If you can't resolve your what ifs, can you at least forestall them a few years, until your kids are grown? Work on you and what you have for now?

**desiree1974** · 03-04-2011 08:17 PM

I think the line I bolded is the real issue. Guess what? That is really more about you than any man. Don't confuse yourself further by putting off on who fathered your child. If you want more out of life then have more, create more, do more, find what is meaningful and draws your passion. No one else will fill that void until you have become all that you can be.

Thanks so much this paragraph. I really cried and see maybe I am being selfish. I told my husband tonight to schedule me in for a heart to heart, that it is really important we communicate on some major issues. He said ok, so maybe I am on the road to relief and help. I hope he understands me and helps me out instead of just getting mad at me and ignoring me as he always does.