Thread: I love it when...

myself:

When I was about 11-15 I had a difficult period in my life, it changed me quite alot. The quality that has effected me the most, or the most negatively atleast is my neuroticism.

At first I didn't mind it; it helped me be empathic, perceptive, improved my analitical skills and kept me out of trouble.

As I've grown older my neurotic nature has grown and deepend and now it controls me. I find socialising hard, and sustaining relationships (whatever the nature)even harder, I come across as autistic at times, I am boring when I have so much to say, I'm monotone, I comes across as arrogant, self-righteous insencere, emotionless, cold. I over analyse to the point of convincing myself of things I don't instinctively believe. My previously almost flawed logic has turned into irrationality, my thought patterns are OCD in their nature, I don't know myself, I know the way I act, I hate myself.

And I hated how that sounded, I sounded so self pittying, no.

Nobody knows any of that apart from my girlfriend who although she had noticed im not paticuarly normal, didnt know why or the true extent (I come across as a pretty normal guy, just quite withdrawn) until I told her a week or so back.

My Girlfriend/our relationship:

We have been together just short of 3 months, I know it isn't much time, but we are deeply deeply in love. She is amazing, utterly amazing, i love her so much, she is beautiful and wonderful. I am real around her.

We were about to have sex for the second time when something got in the way in my mind, I basically couldn't get wood. My mind wasn't in the moment. She was worrying it being reasons which it wasn't, mainly my attraction for her and such. i should of told her before, i should of told her at a better time, but I hadn't. So i spilled out that evening, telling her all. She was upset, and understandably so, i felt guilty. She was understanding and caring, she is.

We havn't seen each other hugely recently, only because we havn't had the time. Today we went on a drive, parked up and had a bit of a chat, started making out. Discussed having sex, I was well up for it, until we were seeing if we actually had a condom [we did] but after that I just felt so weird, I couldn't lose myself in the moment, I wanted to, I wanted to so badly, I love her, when were just making out, I get lost int he moment, but something in the build up to sex I freak out. I think its nervous about being nervous. I'm fairly sure thats what it is.

After it was awkward, she drove me back to my house when i came out with something big. I said that she could do so much better and should dump me, that she could do better with some other guy. I don't know what I was saying, I wasn't ending it, I couldn't. I was trying to give her a get out if she wanted to take it. She took it as me wantign to end it, and i can understand why, I was really struggling to phrase it how I meant it.

We had just some huge conversation about the direction of the relationship, amongst other things. We are carrying on, but I've damaged the relationship with my insecurities about who I am. The ending note of the conversation was me saying I felt she wasn't being understanding. That upset her so she left. I read over the conversation again and I was wrong, she was being understanding.

I just want the relationship to be back on the track. I'm so confused.

100 percent my fault, all of it.