How do you forgive and forget....

**pussnboots** · 03-14-2011 09:42 AM

I have been with my bf off and on for 18mths. I found out last summer that he has been carrying on with another girl we both work with. This continued for 6 months of our relationship without me know until i asked to see his phone and found loads of texts between them. I thought i could get over the whole thing but then found out that he met a girl whilst on holiday and pretended to be single. I now don't have any trust for him as i know he still bumps into the girl we work with all the time. She still texts him and invites him out, though when i am with him they ignore each other.

I am finding this incredibley hard to deal with. He is only the second person i have been in love with and i really believed he was the one for me but since finding out about him and the other girls i no longer trust him. I have now become terribly stressed in work and depressed and really don't know what to do. He has now started accusing me of all sorts now, things that are not true and things that really hurt my feelings. We argue a lot now and there is very little respect on both sides. Please help me decide on the right thing.

**CaveGirlEats** · 03-14-2011 10:05 AM

I've been there. The best strategy for moving on (and it sounds like that's what is best for you at this time) is to figure out how to focus on yourself, your health, your success. I began researching nutrition and better ways to stay in shape, started outlining my personal values to myself in a journal, and realized that if I wanted to live a life of integrity I had to move past anyone that called my honesty into question. Surrounding yourself with people committed to self-development and positive self-image is really powerful. You can forgive for your own sanity, and forget for your own good, but that does NOT

**WildChild** · 03-14-2011 10:08 AM

Originally Posted by pussnboots

I found out last summer that he has been carrying on with another girl we both work with.

Originally Posted by pussnboots

he met a girl whilst on holiday and pretended to be single.

Originally Posted by pussnboots

I now don't have any trust for him as i know he still bumps into the girl we work with all the time. She still texts him and invites him out, though when i am with him they ignore each other.

Originally Posted by pussnboots

i no longer trust him. I have now become terribly stressed in work and depressed and really don't know what to do.

Originally Posted by pussnboots

He has now started accusing me of all sorts now, things that are not true and things that really hurt my feelings. We argue a lot now and there is very little respect on both sides.

What is it that makes you think he is, "the one"?
If he is only the second guy you've been with, I think you need to meet more men instead of boys. He isn't ready for a relationship, he's still playing, nothing wrong with that but if it's not what you signed up for, it doesn't work. Now he's trying to make you wrong and undermine your self esteem. Don't go for it. Say good bye and exit stage left, or right if you prefer.

**pussnboots** · 03-14-2011 10:17 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

What is it that makes you think he is, "the one"?
If he is only the second guy you've been with, I think you need to meet more men instead of boys. He isn't ready for a relationship, he's still playing, nothing wrong with that but if it's not what you signed up for, it doesn't work. Now he's trying to make you wrong and undermine your self esteem. Don't go for it. Say good bye and exit stage left, or right if you prefer.

Hi Wildchild,

I mean't only the second person i have been in love with...thanks for the advise though

**pussnboots** · 03-14-2011 10:18 AM

Very good advise CaveGirlEats!! I like it

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-14-2011 10:27 AM

It's time for you to leave....

He's cheated, he's been dishonest, he continues to exhibit these behaviors.

It's time to go...

**WildChild** · 03-14-2011 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by pussnboots

Hi Wildchild,

I mean't only the second person i have been in love with...thanks for the advise though

Doesn't matter if he's the second or the 70th, my question still stands. Given his behavior, what makes you think that he is "the one"?

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2011 11:51 PM

Him accusing you of things that make no logical sense is a concern... people doing wrong often realize that what they can do wrong, their partner can be doing too... and so they can become paranoid worrying that you are doing what they are doing/did.

I'm with WC, what exactly makes this guy the one? What qualities does he possess that make you feel like you would want to completely dedicate yourself to him? Does he make you feel special and secure? Safe and loved? Do you feel precious to him? Oh thats so important... so much more important than his last night fitting well next to your first, or that he has the right job, right family, right friends, right smile etc... none of that stuff matters.

What matters is how he makes you FEEL inside... because that is what makes relationships worth everything they are worth... the love, the having someone out there in this world of strangers that you can share everything with, that you can trust, that you know in your heart that they would rather poke their own eye with a stick than cause you a single moment of pain on purpose.

If he cheated on you in the past its important to understand what he was feeling when he did it, did he do it because you guys were having troubles? because he thought something was missing? for the ego boost? Hearing from him what was going through his mind when he decided to pursue someone else is crucial in predicting whether or not he's doomed to repeat the same mistakes. If he did it because you guys were having troubles... has he thought about how he is going to deal with things when you have troubles again?

If he did it because he felt something was missing in his life or your relationship... has he figured out what that was? If he did it for the ego boost, whats to prevent him from wanting the attention of another female in the future?

Did he do it for no reason at all but the fact he was following his penis? If so... how can he reassure you that he's got that under control now?

Its ALWAYS going to be hard to re-build trust after someone shatters it, but it can be done as long as he is patient with your insecurites and allows you to voice them and comforts you rather than becomes annoyed... for it is he that caused your concern, he should be willing to help alleviate it. It will also take you being willing to let it go. Thinking of it will only eat at you and make it so that you don't move forward... If you are going to let it go, let it go with all your heart... take the weight off your shoulders and start fresh with him.

That doesn't mean to be blind to the signs if he acts off, but it means if you have to be so worried all the time, if you are hurting over what happened, feeling so uncomfortable... then its really not worth it.

**pussnboots** · 03-16-2011 07:40 AM

What i find the hardest is that i thought i could deal with it...but she is in work and he is in work. We all work together so i am reminded about everything that happended everyday. After the first time i thought i could get over it all but then it happened again with someone i don't know. Unfortunatly i feel that when he says things like I love you...i find them hard to believe as he said it all before when he was carrying on with someone else. I am no longer sure he is the one for me though i still love him deeply for me trust and respect are fundamental. Two things i no longer have in this relationship and doubt will ever come back as it takes a lot for me to trust in the first place. That is a fault of mine...

**jns** · 03-16-2011 08:36 PM

pussnboots, you are finally coming to grips with how hard it will be to sustain a relationship in which you are the only one working on it. The interaction at work will make it like a sore that keeps on getting poked. I agree with WC and HD. To get a good frame of mind back, you may have to get away from the source of irritation, meaning you may have to also change work locations as well as end the relationship.