he abandoned me after abortion (his choice) - i can't cope

**jessiemac** · 03-16-2011 06:43 AM

i met brad 4 years ago, we clicked straight away. He was 4 yrs younger than me and at first we were just friends. i never thought about him in that way but everyone else kept saying how perfect we were for each other. brad has issues and i really tried to help him. His dad is gay and dresses up as a woman and this really affects brad but he could talk about it with me (to a point, he pushes anything bad to the back of his mind as if it never happened). At one point brad even thought he could be gay and was too scared to tell anyone but he told me and i tried to support him all i could. That all passed and then one night out of the blue he told me he liked me and had always done since we first met but didn't want to ruin what we had. I was shocked but decided that we should try because we got on so well. It was strange for about a week but then it felt completely natural. We got on so well and had a really good relationship. After a while when i thought i could be pregnant he was really good about it and we got a test and he just hugged me all night. He made it perfectly clear he didn't want this baby because he was too young (21) and still had to go back to university for another year. He said maybe in a year or two this could be a good thing. I wasn't sure what i wanted to do but in the end we made a decision (after him telling me it would be unfair if i brought a child into the world that he didn't want and who would want me if i had a child). We went to the clinic and it was strange because we were so in love. I had to wait for the proceedure because i had a holiday booked to thailand with my friends for 2weeks. whilst i was away i noticed the change in him(he had never wanted me to go on the holiday without him). He got arrested and lost his driving lisence (drink driving), lost his job and became distant. when i got back he broke up with me the night before the abortion saying that he needed to be on his own for a while, he stayed the night and we slept together. He said he wanted to stay friends because he wanted me in his life, i said i didn't know if that was possible because we had crossed the friend barrier. He came to the clinic the next day and was holding my hand and putting his arm around me. he was meant to stay with me for 24hrs to make sure i was ok but when i got home he said he couldn't stay it was too difficult. I told him he could go because i didn't want to force him to stay. I got really sick that night and felt completely alone, i texted him and asked him to help, called him, emailed him - no reply. He called 2 days later (after my friend called him and told him she was worried about me) and i asked him to come over because i wasn't coping he told me to stop wallowing and start moving on. This wasn't the brad i knew. I told him i needed him to be there and he refused saying that what was he supposed to do put his life on hold for me! I felt so let down. I did send him some messages asking how he thought it was ok to treat me like this, He then told me to leave him alone because he had started to move on. I found out that he had been cheating on me and is now with someone new. I was in hospital with an infection (seriously ill) and he didn't even ask if i was ok. I just feel completely used - he knew how hard this was for me to do and i'm the one suffering whilst he gets away without feeling anything. I lost someone i was in love with, a best friend and a baby all in 24hrs. He has been so mean to me saying that he doesn't owe me anything. All i needed was an apology for not being there. I am not coping with this at all and can't stop crying, i just feel like i don't want to be here anymore

**stariana** · 03-16-2011 08:17 AM

try to remember who you were before all of this. . . men don't feel the attachment like a woman does, so no, he isn't suffering like you.... you made a choice "together", so blame doesn't matter right now. what matters is concentrating on your health. your body isn't only healing from an infection, it is having many hormonal changes as well. and you are grieving, for many losses. you need to allow yourself to heal, in all aspects. it's OK to feel the way you are feeling, just don't expect him to feel the same way, only to be let down. by "wishing" he was behaving differently you are setting yourself up for disappointment. have no expectations towards him. find your inner strength, knowing that you are going to be ok. i am speaking from experience, having had gone through a similar experience when i was around your age. my boyfriend and i had been seeing each other for a few years, i got pregnant, he didnt' want a baby, so i did as he asked, then found out he was cheating on my all along. .. . time really does heal all wounds. allow time to heal, and focus on who you were before you got involved with him. forget how heartless he is acting, it's his loss. you will be better off without him if he is showing his true colors in your time of need. you deserve better. take it one day at a time, and keep coming back.

**WildChild** · 03-16-2011 09:04 AM

Its unfortunate that you have had this experience, give yourself time to grieve. In time you may come to feel grateful that he showed his true colors at this time instead of leaving you stranded at some other even more difficult time.
You made a decision based on what was at the time, best for you. Infection and complications are a risk in any pregnancy or surgery. The rate of complications for an abortion are generally much lower than for pregnancy. Your situation right now has been complicated by his behavior and under stress it can be difficult to separate your emotions and identify just what you are really feeling. Right now your hormones are all jumbled up too and that doesn't help.

He had made his role in your life very plain now. If he comes back later don't get suckered back in. It hurts. There is NO justifying his behavior, even if you were broken up, in a world where everyone does what they should, he would have been there for you. But that isn't the world we live in. He is in denial. You said it yourself, "he pushes anything bad to the back of his mind as if it never happened". This is a flaw he carries, it isn't yours or a reflection on you. I hope someday you will be able to forgive him, feel sorry for him (because this is a BIG flaw) and let go of this. That doesn't mean you will forget it, but you will decide not to carry it around with you.

For right now, be gentle and loving with yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Rejuvinate yourself, revamp your diet and go super healthy, as soon you are well enough get out an walk, move, get some exersize. Buy yourself flowers, even if its just one bloom or better yet go work in the earth and do some planting. Think of the crying as washing the pain away. Where you don't want to be is feeling the way you do but this will pass. It will get better and the day will come when you wake up smiling. You have to be your own best friend, but you do have other friends too, rally them around you for comfort, hugs and some caring. Break ups are tough, break ups under stress are worse.

Hugs

**caster** · 03-16-2011 09:24 AM

As a friend he should have been there. As a lover he should have been there. As a man he should have been there. He failed at all three.

Keep looking forward Jessie, not back. Your new life begins today and continues tomorrow. Should he try to get back into your life at some point I don't think I'd let that happen. He hurt you deeply, don't give him the chance to do it again.

Get mad, get focused, but don't get depressed. You did nothing wrong.

**jns** · 03-16-2011 08:53 PM

Originally Posted by jessiemac

After a while when i thought i could be pregnant he was really good about it and we got a test and he just hugged me all night. He made it perfectly clear he didn't want this baby because he was too young (21) and still had to go back to university for another year. He said maybe in a year or two this could be a good thing. I wasn't sure what i wanted to do but in the end we made a decision (after him telling me it would be unfair if i brought a child into the world that he didn't want and who would want me if i had a child). We went to the clinic and it was strange because we were so in love. I had to wait for the proceedure because i had a holiday booked to thailand with my friends for 2weeks. whilst i was away i noticed the change in him(he had never wanted me to go on the holiday without him). He got arrested and lost his driving lisence (drink driving), lost his job and became distant. when i got back he broke up with me the night before the abortion saying that he needed to be on his own for a while, he stayed the night and we slept together.

It sounds like he had a change of heart that the separation before the abortion brought into focus. Did you two really talk about having the abortion after your holiday? After the abortion he could no longer handle it and could not pretend to be friends. When did he start cheating? WC has good advice about getting back to focusing on yourself and living for yourself. Good luck.

**jessiemac** · 03-17-2011 06:00 AM

thank you so much for all the advice. JNS to answer your questions we did talk after i came back, he did not want this baby he kept telling me that this was the right choice for him. i was the one who was upset about doing it and it feels like he comforted me until he knew i'd done what he wanted. The cheating - i have no idea how long it went on for but i think it started whilst i was away on holiday. my friend compared him to a magpie something new and shiny came along and he was atttracted to it. he didn't tell me he'd cheated or that she was now his gf, i found out from a friend telling me that he'd put on facebook how amazing his girlfriend was (this was a few days after we split, so we'd slept together and gone through an abortion and he had already met her), she was asking if we'd got back together and i told her no we hadn't. I was in hospital at this point and to find that out whilst i was in there on an IV with loads of drugs pumping through my system was the final straw. He was meant to be my friend and i had always been there for him when bad things happened (which was often) and i needed him once. He doesn't have to deal with this because he didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy or the abortion so nobody is there to talk to him or help him.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-17-2011 07:36 AM

Not all relationships are meant to last. Most aren't actually...only a few truly special ones. He came into your life and left you with what feels like destruction right now.......but as time passes, you heal, and get back into good health mentally and physically you will see that you have learned from this, gained strength from it, and will be better for that person you ARE meant to be with.

He was "supposed" to be your friend, supposed to.......but wasn't. It hurts terribly I know....but it's time to accept things for what they truly are and let go of what you hoped they would be.

This is YOUR life. Yours..... your body, your mind, your heart, your breath. Cherish it. It is so truly valuable. The world is not done with you yet.......you have alot of love to give and a wonderful life ahead. Hang tight, pick yourself up, and work on YOU right now.

**jns** · 03-17-2011 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by jessiemac

thank you so much for all the advice. JNS to answer your questions we did talk after i came back, he did not want this baby he kept telling me that this was the right choice for him. i was the one who was upset about doing it and it feels like he comforted me until he knew i'd done what he wanted. The cheating - i have no idea how long it went on for but i think it started whilst i was away on holiday. my friend compared him to a magpie something new and shiny came along and he was atttracted to it. he didn't tell me he'd cheated or that she was now his gf, i found out from a friend telling me that he'd put on facebook how amazing his girlfriend was (this was a few days after we split, so we'd slept together and gone through an abortion and he had already met her), she was asking if we'd got back together and i told her no we hadn't. I was in hospital at this point and to find that out whilst i was in there on an IV with loads of drugs pumping through my system was the final straw. He was meant to be my friend and i had always been there for him when bad things happened (which was often) and i needed him once. He doesn't have to deal with this because he didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy or the abortion so nobody is there to talk to him or help him.

He does sound like a jerk. Resolve to keep your own council in the future. If abortion doesn't seem right at the time, put it off until later.