My boyfriend wants sex, what to do?

**jiji** · 03-19-2011 01:49 AM

Hi girls

In short:
I'm new in this forum. I'm 23 and I have a problem. I have a boyfriend (he is 30) and he wants me to have sex with me. I don't know what to do. We tried to have sex a few times, but we had to stop, it was hurting too much.

I'm afraid:
What makes it complicated is that when he met me in school he had a girlfriend. We started to like each other, but he did not want to leave his girlfrined unless he was sure it was not meant to be. So I had to back off for a period of a four-five months. He did not have it in him to firmly turn me down so we ended up spending some time together. His girlfriend knew everything. I even met her because she asked him to see me (he did not manage to do the meeting far enough from my place so my parents saw her too and they were upset about it and that bothers me a lot). He even asked his housemate to escort me home once because his girlfriend came over (he forgot to return a key to her so she came unexpectedly to his place to get it back while I was there). At the end did not work out between them. He never explained all the reasons, he mentioned jealousy. Because of what happened in the past I'm afraid.

Situation now:
Right now he also seems to have difficulties to keep a firm distance from other girls. He does not make out with them or things like that, but I get upset even when I see he smiles to another girls. Hence he gave me his phone and his password for a week so I could see what he did (he did not do anything that week). I broke up with him when he at some point changed the password back. We are not officially a couple, but I still consider him my boyfriend. He still allows me to see his phone and email, but he told me he will not be my boyfriend unless I show him I'm serious and actively do something to help his urge to sex. He told me that he is used to have sex every day and that his lack of normal sex-life make him do things like smile/flirt with other girls, but I somehow feel it is a part the way he is and that is why I don't even want to try to have sex with him (well we do try, but I always make him stop when it hurts).

Why I want him:
I have been dating several guys for all together a few years and for the other guys I would not even undress my pants. But he makes me feel in a way I have never felt before so for him I did that. I have been dating him since July 21th (almost 8 months).

What I have done:
I offered that we could go to a swingers club and I even gave him money to go to a prostitute, but he refused to go to the club and he used the money to buy us a ticket to ballet.

My boyfriend wants sex, what to do?

**stressed** · 03-19-2011 01:55 AM

He only wants sex. You don't. What to do? End contact with him and let him be. This is not a relationship, it's a game he's playing and the "I had sex every day but now I don't" is an excuse. He doesn't seem to be someone you can trust enough to have a serious relationship with. Unless you want unnecessary trouble in your life, end contact. You like him because he's been nicer than the other guys you've met, but he likes you for what you can offer him, which is sex. You two are after different things and this can't work.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-19-2011 06:46 AM

Sorry, but this is not a man...IMO. This is a demanding, immature, insecure man who is trying to put his needs/wants first by running over yours.

Swingers Club and a prostitute seem like desperate measures on your part to try and satisfy those same needs/wants. Fortunately, IMO, he did not take you up on it.

Regardless, HE should see that you're not ready to engage in intimacy and IF HE were any kind of man, who cared about you and not just sex with you, he'd understand.

He doesn't, so move on....

You found him, he's not the ONLY one out there, you will find another one.

**jns** · 03-19-2011 08:55 AM

Originally Posted by jiji

Hi girls

In short:
I'm new in this forum. I'm 23 and I have a problem. I have a boyfriend (he is 30) and he wants me to have sex with me. I don't know what to do. We tried to have sex a few times, but we had to stop, it was hurting too much.

I'm afraid:
What makes it complicated is that when he met me in school he had a girlfriend. We started to like each other, but he did not want to leave his girlfrined unless he was sure it was not meant to be. So I had to back off for a period of a four-five months. He did not have it in him to firmly turn me down so we ended up spending some time together. His girlfriend knew everything. I even met her because she asked him to see me (he did not manage to do the meeting far enough from my place so my parents saw her too and they were upset about it and that bothers me a lot). He even asked his housemate to escort me home once because his girlfriend came over (he forgot to return a key to her so she came unexpectedly to his place to get it back while I was there). At the end did not work out between them. He never explained all the reasons, he mentioned jealousy. Because of what happened in the past I'm afraid.

Situation now:
Right now he also seems to have difficulties to keep a firm distance from other girls. He does not make out with them or things like that, but I get upset even when I see he smiles to another girls. Hence he gave me his phone and his password for a week so I could see what he did (he did not do anything that week). I broke up with him when he at some point changed the password back. We are not officially a couple, but I still consider him my boyfriend. He still allows me to see his phone and email, but he told me he will not be my boyfriend unless I show him I'm serious and actively do something to help his urge to sex. He told me that he is used to have sex every day and that his lack of normal sex-life make him do things like smile/flirt with other girls, but I somehow feel it is a part the way he is and that is why I don't even want to try to have sex with him (well we do try, but I always make him stop when it hurts).

Why I want him:
I have been dating several guys for all together a few years and for the other guys I would not even undress my pants. But he makes me feel in a way I have never felt before so for him I did that. I have been dating him since July 21th (almost 8 months).

What I have done:
I offered that we could go to a swingers club and I even gave him money to go to a prostitute, but he refused to go to the club and he used the money to buy us a ticket to ballet.

My boyfriend wants sex, what to do?

It sounds like he is too self centered to have a good relationship with. And it doesn't sound like he wants to have just a single girlfriend. Can you live this way?

As far as the sex hurting, have you had sex before? Are you using lubrication and is he going slow? Do you two have foreplay that gets you to orgasm?

**jiji** · 03-19-2011 04:39 PM

I've never had sex before, if I choose to do it, it will be my first time.

**stressed** · 03-19-2011 05:03 PM

You've never had sex before but offered to go to a swingers club with him? You know what swingers clubs are about, don't you.

He doesn't seem to care about you being a virgin, doesn't seem willing to give you time, to support you, he pressures you for sex instead. This guy has nothing to offer you.

**rcoreyus** · 03-21-2011 09:56 AM

It isn't unreasonable for him to want sex in a relationship. It isn't unreasonable for you to not want to have sex with him. Not all couples are meant to be together.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-21-2011 10:55 AM

I think you should step back and try to figure out what you want from a relationship. You are searching his phone, demanding passwords , breaking up with him when he changes them -- yet offer to give him money to go cheat on you with a prostitute... I do not understand how on one hand you are upset when he smiles at a girl but on the other hand are encouraging him to go to a swingers club to get his sexual needs met.

You persued him despite the fact he had a gf, he was unable to resist you. I think that has planted a seed that will forever lead you to realize that no matter what promises he makes to you... if some other girl that interests him persues him -- he may be unable to resist. And that is not an unrealistic scenerio. Generally a person that will cheat on someone else FOR you... will cheat on you FOR someone else.

You are stopping him from having sex with you due to the pain, but could some of that be psychological as in you are truly not ready to offer up your body to him... so you are being tense, not relaxing... not letting it happen.

What is it about this man that you find to be so much more special than any other man you've dated so far? Is it the fact he left his gf for you? Is it because he offered up the false sense of security of a phone password for a week? Does he make you feel special? Are you happy with him or are you always stressed out and waiting for the other shoe to drop?

**jiji** · 03-22-2011 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I think you should step back and try to figure out what you want from a relationship. You are searching his phone, demanding passwords , breaking up with him when he changes them -- yet offer to give him money to go cheat on you with a prostitute... I do not understand how on one hand you are upset when he smiles at a girl but on the other hand are encouraging him to go to a swingers club to get his sexual needs met.

You persued him despite the fact he had a gf, he was unable to resist you. I think that has planted a seed that will forever lead you to realize that no matter what promises he makes to you... if some other girl that interests him persues him -- he may be unable to resist. And that is not an unrealistic scenerio. Generally a person that will cheat on someone else FOR you... will cheat on you FOR someone else.

You are stopping him from having sex with you due to the pain, but could some of that be psychological as in you are truly not ready to offer up your body to him... so you are being tense, not relaxing... not letting it happen.

What is it about this man that you find to be so much more special than any other man you've dated so far? Is it the fact he left his gf for you? Is it because he offered up the false sense of security of a phone password for a week? Does he make you feel special? Are you happy with him or are you always stressed out and waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I didn't want to give him the support for the prostitute. But he's been claiming to me that it's EXTREMELY hard for him to wait. And he thinks I don't love him because of the fact that I am not having sex with him. Then he said I only talk but never help him to solve his needs. So I passed him the money, and said look, I am giving you the money, but it doesn't mean that I agree with you and it doesnt mean that I encourage you to do this.

As for why do I think he's special for me, I asked myself quite a few times and I honestly don't have an answer. I know it's not fair to say, but I really feel that he is not a good person, yet I don't know why I am attached to him so much. Even if he is able to make a promise, he won't be able to keep it. Long time ago he promised me he would stop contacting his exgirlfriends, then it turned out he's still contacting her (once every month, that's this words).

I am definitely not ready to have sex with him, I never feel secured. I gave him QUITE A LOT chances and quite long time to let him to prove to me that he's the right person. I am waiting to see a complete change in him. But sadly, he's not changing at all. Or maybe he is, he is not having sex with the others. However, he is still flirting.

Yesterday i asked him to show me the email from his exgirlfriend, he refused to do it and deleted it right after. I dont know why then I started to be very emotional and I start to have hatred feelings about him. Then I told him that I will never have sex with him and told him to get out of my life.

**rcoreyus** · 03-22-2011 06:07 PM

If you feel he is not a good person, then find someone else. There are enough good people out there that there is no reason to be with someone who isn't.