my boyfriend just told me he's bisexual

**allatsea** · 03-19-2011 09:12 PM

I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 16, a few months younger. We've been together for almost 6 months but we only see eachother about once a week because we're both very dedicated to our studies. For that reason, the relationship isn't very intense or involved although i admit that i would like something more. He told me about a month ago that there is something he might tell me some day which explains why he isn't very affectionate towards me. We kiss and we hold hands but i just want to touch him all the time and i want him to hold me but i know that kind of thing makes him feel uncomfortable. i wondered if it's a psychological thing but apparently not.

Tonight we were out with friends having a few drinks. About half way through the evening my boyfriend was quite tipsy and he said to me he wanted to tell me "the thing" so we went somewhere quieter. He was clearly embarrassed but he told me "I'm bi". I don't remember much of the conversation because I was a bit overwhelmed. He was a state later on in the evening because he'd deliberately got himself drunk so he would have the courage to tell me. I have wondered about his sexuality before so it wasn't a total shock (it certainly explains a lot) and i have no problem with bi's, gays or lesbians for that matter. I'm not even 100% certain about my own sexuality. I have to say he seems to be certain that he is definitely bi.

My first reaction was "how can you be sure?" and "are you sure you're not actually gay?" and "i've got the impression bisexuality is usually a tempory thing". But he assured me "it's not just a phase". Before writing this i googled bisexuality and apparently those were entirely the wrong things to say but i think understandable :P i would feel less worried if he had ever told me how he feels about me, but he hasn't, which has made me feel very insecure at times but now this feeling is worse. He says he is more physically attracted to guys but more emotionally attracted to girls. He said he can't see himself in a long term relationship with a guy because he finds a guy's personality a turn off. I'm worried he's not physically attracted to me. He said "isn't the emotional attraction more important?" but i think the two are equal. He also said when he was drunk at a party last month a boy almost kissed him. He says at the time he was attracted to him but isn't anymore. He said he felt like he wanted to kiss him at the time but didn't because of me and he would never cheat on me. He emphasised that a lot and made sure i knew that.

What seems to be the major problem for him is coming to terms with the fact he is bisexual. He seemed as if he is ashamed. He has told a select few of his friends but his family don't know because he is afraid to tell them as he says they can be homophobic. He talked about it as if it makes him weird or abnormal and seems very worried about what people would think if they knew.

I told him i want to talk about it when he's sober. but i don't know exactly what to say. i want him to know i appreciate his honesty and that it was brave to tell me. i want him to know i don't judge him for it. i want to know how he feels about me. i want to know if he's certain that he is bisexual, but i'm not sure if this is a fair question. i don't want him to feel under pressure to define his sexuality just because of our relationship. he has to put his emotional wellbeing before me - i'll still be here when he's had time to think about it alone if that's what he thinks he needs to do. i want him to know he has nothing to be ashamed of and this is about him being comfortable in his own skin and not about what anyone else thinks. i want him to know i'm here for him. i want to help him. i want him to know my view of him hasn't changed but my understanding of him has improved. i want him to finally give in and show me himself. i just want him! but above all i want to know that he wants me.

I promised him i wouldn't tell anyone but i deal with things through talking. I let things out instead of bottling them up like he does. Because i can't tell anyone none of my friends can help me. We have a mutual friend who he told last year so i can talk about it with him but we don't see each other often. I burst into tears when i got home so i had to tell my parents. they think "he must actually be gay" and "well it's probably all over isn't it" and "it's ok you'll find another nice boy". but i don't want anyone else! i will tell them what i found out when i researched bisexuality and i know they will support me whatever i do but they will always have those thoughts deep down. so all in all i feel very alone right now. it feels good to get it all out though. any thoughts would be appreciated

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-19-2011 11:54 PM

Just because someones bisexual doesn't mean they are any more likely to be unfaithful or unfullfilled with one partner than any straight person. Straight guys are attracted to women... when they commit to one women they don't suddenlty become some other sort of sexuality that makes only that one person they are committed to be what attracts them. People with good character, people that are genuinly in love... aren't going to stray -- they are going to be so into and about the person they are with that no one else matters besides a passing, fleeting 'oh, that persons attractive' and on with their day.

The thing is you guys are so young. And yep I was 16 once, and I am not discounting your feelings of being in love with this guy due to your age... I know many people meet their life partner at an even younger age than you are and stick together... but by and large most people will have several boyfriends and girlfriends in their lifetime before they are at a point in life.. coincided with being with a special someone that things just click and thats all she wrote, you found your one.

If you guys are best friends , boyfriend/girlfriend... enjoy each others company etc... I don't think his sexuality is too big of a factor at this point. I am very very impressed with how mature you handled the situation, and your reaction to him... one of understanding and support will probably impact his life for years to come -- whether or not you guys end up staying together that long.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-20-2011 02:54 AM

You mention that you feel that bi-sexual means, a passing thing...Not necessarily, at all... Bi usually means both sexes...As HD stated though bi-sexuals can and usually want a committed relationship from someone, whom they are with, they generally don't cheat.

It's good that he could and felt he could tell you.

Your thoughts of what am I? Is a good thought because this has to be established.

Talking and communication is the key.

All your thoughts on what to say to him are good as long as it really does not bother you and you can understand and he confirms it is you in this time that he loves.

CW

**melissaw** · 07-21-2011 12:25 PM

hey allatsea, i am soooo happy you posted this information because the EXACT same thing happened to me, the boy i love was having SUCH a hard time with how everything was going, he decided to vent to me. Then, he said "babe, i need to tell you something, that no body else knows" , he was completely sober. I wasnt really prepaired for what he was about to tell me or what to expect. Then he just came out with it, that he is attracted to both female and male. At first my heart went into my stomach and i stopped breathing, i asked him what he said again to make sure i heard him correctly. As soon as he told me, i assured him that it didnt change the way i felt about him or how our future was going to be. To be honest, it doesnt matter who you love or what sex they may be. We have been together for about 8 months and he told me when it was our 3 month. Its still feels really new to me and im taking it as it comes. He still hasnt told any of his friends or his family members, and he said he probably never will. I want to encourage him to be who he is but at the same time, should i just let it be and let him handle it? I love him as a person and im sure we will be friends for a very very long time.

I want to again thank you for posting your story ,now i know that there are other girls out there that are going through this too!
thanks

mel

**FortunsFoole** · 07-21-2011 01:40 PM

I just wanted to kind of post a perspective from the other side. I can totally relate to your boyfriends comment about the emotional aspect meaning so much more. I came out to my first boyfriend in high school about a year and a half into our relationship. I'm bisexual.. his reaction? He was totally fine with it, actually seemed turned on by it. After that he would say things about being OK with me making out with another chick if he could watch... "jokingly" brought up threesomes suddenly, things of that sort. I told him just because I'm bisexual does not automatically mean I'm OK with or want to share him or myself with anyone else, I wanted him-- my sexuality did not effect that. I never felt a desire to be with someone else while I was in love with him. I fall for "people". It doesn't matter whether they are male or female. It's the person they are that attracts me beyond what they have going on in their pants.

Generally speaking, when you take out most personality traits and it's all about visual attraction. I'm much more strongly attracted to females. Once personality and compatibility comes into the equation, my heart was always fair game. I'm married now to my husband, who was my best friend before we ever started dating. I know to anyone else he's not model material or anything like that but because of how strongly I feel love for him, loved by him and how comfortable and compatible we are together.. He is the Most beautiful person in the world to me, Hands down. I can appreciate a beautiful looking female or male, it doesn't really Mean anything to me, but my husband just shines to me because of the person he is.

I don't know if any of that helps... but hopefully there's something there that can be of use to you.

**W6mum** · 08-18-2011 10:11 AM

you have handled this maturely and empathically but do yourself a favour and get out while you can. He is 16 and he doesn't want to fool around physically with you? He has openly stated he is more physically attracted to men than women. It is very common for men who later become openly gay to still want the trappings of female relationships (closeness, children even) BUT critically they look for their physical kicks outside of the relationship. And that is when it can become very seedy - I talk as someone who has just discovered that my long term partner is bi and it turns out has a very active profile (with pictures of his nether regions) on a gay pick-up site. He and I have a very active (like every night active) sex relationship. But apparently it's not enough. Your boyfriend needs to explore this side of his sexuality - do you think you can handle that? You are not really being satisfied - can you live with that? Men are also very drawn to impulsive behaviour - much more so than women - which ultimately could put you at risk. DON"T WASTE YOUR TIME. If you had a fulfilling physical side to your relationship maybe I would suggest something different but it strikes me you are the potential test bed for a young man who is very confused about what he is. It's ok to be confused, and not to be judged, as long as you don't suffer as a result