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Thread: I'm trying so hard to please her, but...

  1. #1
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    Default I'm trying so hard to please her, but...


    I'm trying So hard to be patient with my wife. I'm really making an effort to help her so she will have time to herself and therefore relieve some stress in her life. I was hoping for her to want me in that special way. I'm not doing this to get laid, even if it sounds that way.
    We were snuggling in bed this morning face to face, she had to get up to get ready for work. I understand that part, but the whole time she was stressing out about it. She got in the shower and I got up to make breakfast for her and my son. Problem is this, anytime we get close she clams up and doesn't release her tension. She says things like, "I need to get up and get busy with housework or I need to get to the store. It's these distractions that are sabotaging our sex life and thus our marriage. It's so frustrating to be in my shoes. I try So hard to please her and she recognizes it, but just passes it by without a thought. Now I'm left feeling rejected and unappreciated. This feeling isn't something I'd want anyone to feel. I'm really trying here... I truly am, but like last night... I got yelled at because I was trying to hook up our tv to a different cable and nothing I did was working. She got frustrated because I was frustrated and cussing. Electronics and electricity- not my thing. Mechanical things are my thing. So anyway, I ended up getting scolded and try to explain my position, nope she's not listening at all. I just went down to the garage and sharpened some of my knives I've been meaning to do for weeks. She seems to not care anymore even though I'm trying so so hard to please her. I just don't know what to do other than just tough it out and hope for better times. How can a person be this committed to go through all of this and still feel rejected, but yet be so willing to stick around and tough it out? It's not easy to get into the mood whenever you are pushed away so much. Maybe I'm just not the one for her, even though I have an endless love for her. All of this just breaks my heart to even talk about. I didn't expect my work to help overnight and I saw a little improvement, but it seems to have withered away. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough to please her. Who knows, maybe I'm trying too hard. Sure she has a high stress job and had a bad day yesterday and I tried to hold her, she rejected my comfort, so I kind of insisted but she pulled away very quickly. It's a relationship of frustration it seems. So, now what? No... divorce isn't on the table. What else can I try to win her heart again? "I know she loves me, I just don't think she likes me anymore." to quote George Strait.

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array sungoddesschelsy's Avatar
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    Maybe shes scared... scared that your new behavior will stop if she gives in? Scared of the pain she experienced before even though you two had spoken about it and you know now that you have to give her time to be ready for you? Scared to dissappoint you after all this time?

    Just throwing some thoughts out there for you... because excuses like "i have to get to the housework, or to the store"... are total BS in my opinion

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    You didn't get where you are over night and you're not going to get out of there over night either.

    All of the little things that you've been detailing us on that you are now doing around the house will have to go on for weeks if not months in order for them to really make a difference in her/your lives.

    So hang on, keep your chin up and keep doing the laundry, making breakfast, cleaning the house or whatever to make her/your life less stressful and don't be so "quick" to reap the benefits of your efforts.

    As you've readily admitted, you only recently made some discoveries, based on a book recommended by WC that you read, that shed some new light on your situation.

    Since you made those discoveries, I think you are expecting too much too fast IMO.

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    I probably am expecting too much too soon. I guess I'm still feeling left out in the cold while the fire inside seems so warm. Just a situation I don't like to be in I guess.
    It seems to me that if she pushes me away all is good, but if I ever push her away, I end up paying for it. Maybe I'll play hard to get and see how she likes being rejected. No... I know that isn't going to help my situation, but I have thought about it. She has said that the sexual feelings are all but gone toward me, God this sucks! Just throwing out ideas and letting my mind free itself of all the hurt. Why can't love just be? Why does all of the little things build into the locked gate at the end of the country lane? I feel like I'm locked out of my own fresh air and open space I love so dearly. Sound weird? Maybe it does to some, but you have to remember, I'm just a good old country boy with a big heart. Seems those kind of guys are the ones nobody wants anymore. Maybe I should have stayed single after my 2nd divorce, too late to look back now. I probably would have crawled into my shell and just stayed there. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just wondering if I would have been happier. I would have missed out on my son, that kills me to even think about. He's the greatest kid- like the old man, big soft heart always with his heart on his sleeve. I hope he finds a woman that is crazy over him so he never goes through the broken heart I'm going through.
    Well, guys and dolls, have a Great day! I'm going to get some work done around here and try to get my mind off the stuff that's bogging me down.

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array sungoddesschelsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarkT View Post
    She has said that the sexual feelings are all but gone toward me
    How is that true if she gave you those amazing kisses just days ago?? I really think shes afraid...

    Dont give up, try harder. (easy to say not being the person getting the rejection)
    Dont give up... if it were my situation I'd respect you more the harder you try.

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    It takes two to tango, and while you're stepping it up, it sounds like she could try a little harder as well. I remember you posting about having realized how some of the things you were doing were hurting her... but it sounded like you had to figure that out on your own and she didn't really go out of her way to explain to you how the things you were doing were affecting her. She needs to communicate better.

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    It's always hard to know what's going on inside the other persons head. I'm the type of gal that has a hard time relaxing when I know I've got a laundry list of things to do. For example, if my house is messy (messy to my standards...I live alone with my furry child. lol) I have a hard time thinking of anything else or doing anything else (much less enjoying anything else) if I know I need to get that done. I tell myself that if I can just get those things done, then I can do other things and enjoy them but lots of times by the time I get everything done, I'm tired. In other words, I put alot of pressure on myself. Her situation is a bit different because she's someones wife, there are expectations there. She's someones mother, there are expectations there. She's someones employee, in a stressful work environment. There are expectations there too. She's highly, highly, stressed, pulled to her max, and loss of libido is a result of that in many women.

    Not implying that you don't help around the house, (so don't take it that way ), but housework should not be her burden to bear, grocery trips should not be her burden to bear....they should be shared things that both of you make sure get done.

    It just sounds to me like this woman is at a point in her life where there just isnt enough for her to go around and areas of her life are suffering because of it. All you can do as her loving husband is to try to help take some of that stress off her (and I don't mean sexually. ). She's in constant "GO" mode and that's her way of dealing with the stress....she's afraid if she stops she won't be able to start back.

    "Be what you're looking for."

    "The next time you're thinking of kicking someone when they're down, offer them your hand and help them back up instead."



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    Yeah, what about those amazing kisses from a few short days ago?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice View Post
    Yeah, what about those amazing kisses from a few short days ago?

    Those were Great, I'll tell ya! She seems so distracted by something, but won't talk to me about it.

    Every Wednesday is towel day, so I gathered them all up, washed, dried, folded and put them all away in the closet. I also did the jeans and the whites just to keep busy and yes, suck up. Hey, at least I'm honest about it- Just anything to help her out from under all this pressure and stress. Her job, she's in charge of licensing certain businesses in the State. I can't say much more than that, God it Must be a hassle to get them to comply with codes and other laws. She is a stickler for details and makes sure they are up to code or she won't issue the license. It's tough to be on the phone with a jerk and not be able to pull his scrawny butt through the phone line. But, that's me talking, I would if I could. Sometimes we will get calls here and I'll pass gas into the receiver if someone is being a URD with a "T" in front of it. Or, I'll just let the phone dangle along the wall. One of my favorites is to put the phone beside a radio on a very low volume. That's funny!

    So anyway, I'm really making an effort and I just need to give her more time to get used to the idea of me doing all this stuff. Come to think of it, if she suddenly gave me a bj and tons of sex, I would be a bit skeptical too. BTW, no bj's around here at all. No mouth stuff either way, hey, I tried, she said no way was I going to put my mouth on her! Kind of feel left out on a lot of fun things I Really enjoy. I love to have my tongue all around places on females, I always have. No one else ever minded it a bit, they even begged me for more and I always did. 12 1/2 years of this really wears on a person. What else can I say, I'm trying very hard.
    If you were a female in her situation, what would you do? And I'm talking about all of it, from your perspective and your "wantings". I'm just curious what another female would do. This would take into account everything you know about me, which I'm pretty open about it all. Just curious, that's all.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarkT View Post
    no way was I going to put my mouth on her!
    Has it always been this way? Has she ever explained why? I know some women are afraid they might have a foul taste or odor, but of course things are naturally very clean in that region.

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