Finding it hard to get over break up...

**jaskaur** · 04-21-2011 03:22 AM

Hi All,

Firstly please accept my apologies for the length of this message...

Its been about 8 weeks since our breakup and although I feel better about everything most days, there are those odd days where I feel so down and start thinking about everything (our relationship and where it all went wrong…more importantly…why did he end it?!)…On those days where I am thinking my mind goes in to overdrive trying to establish what was true and what pushed him to end things…It confuses and frustrates me

We met about two years ago (to the day!) and everything was great. Although I didn’t feel the instant chemistry towards him, I soon got to know him and liked what he was about. We went on ONE date and I felt he was quite an intense guy with a serious outlook on relationships. I was at that stage in my life where I was looking for a serious relationship so I felt comfort in this situation, that we were both on the same page. However, after that date, he cancelled on our second date and sent me a text to say he basically wasn’t interested and was unsure about me. I left it….

Six months pass and suddenly he is back in contact. In the six months we hadnt been in touch, he had gotten engaged (in the traditional indian arranged marriage way) and then called things off. He had waited 4 weeks before he got in touch with me. I was reluctant to meet him, but eventually I did to hear him out and generally catch up. He told me everything and apologised for his actions before. I forgave him and we started seeing one another. Everything was great. He was quite consistent with his communication and very keen to be with me. After about 5 months we slept together for the first time. Soon after (about 2 months) he completely cut contact with me. I saw him one evening for a bite to eat and the next day I heard nothing. Days passed and still nothing. I tried calling him and texting him once or twice (I made sure I didn’t appear to be a psychotic stalker) and I kept things general and polite. No response. I left it 10 days before I finally sent him a message on Blackberry messenger to basically tell him how lame he had been and it was unfair on me to be treated that way. He read my message straight away and finally responded that night saying that I was being weird and he felt things were getting too serious and that he wasn’t ready for commitment etc… I was actually lost for words at this point because it was him who chose to come back in to my life?! And we never actually talked about marriage. In fact he hadnt even met my sister at this point, who is very close to me. It had always been about just me and him….After this exchange over Blackberry, he deleted me as a contact. I got the message loud and clear and again…left it…

I booked a holiday within a week of things ending…I went and had an awesome time. On the last day there I get a text from him asking me how my holiday was going. He must have found out I was on holiday as one of his friends had seen me out on holiday and told him straight away…I never text back. I get back to London and carry on as normal. I still havent contact him. A week later my friend is out and she bumps in to him. He goes over to speak to her and tells her how me and him were 'no more'…and how I was a great girl (you get the drift…) My friend said very little to ease his mind about how I was doing. The next morning he send me a text asking if I had spoken to my friend. I still didn’t respond. A whole ten days pass and then his friend calls me telling me how much my ex was missing me and that he was sick of looking at his depressed face all day. Again, I said very little to his friend apart from wishing my ex well and that I had nothing more to say. I kept things polite and even had a little bit of light hearted banter with his friend to keep things casual. The same night my ex messaged me asking how long I was going to carry on ignoring his texts. I didn’t reply. The next day I finally replied and said I had nothing to say to him.

After an exchange of messages I told him he had taken me for granted too many times and that talk is cheap. If he wanted me believe any of what he was saying that he would need to prove that he had changed. He vowed to me that he would show me and that he was going to take whatever came his away.

After that, he was coming to see me every other day…calling me…taking me on dates to some amazing places…we went shopping together…He even began to take an interest in ME and what I liked. My birthday was approaching and I was now debating on whether to call him or not. So I did. He came. Alone. And he met all my friends and cousins for the first time. It was a great night. From there it all went upwards and beyond…I was happy and so was he. We then met each others parents (after 2 months) and they also met each other. We spent our first christmas together as an official couple.

Now here is where it changed…he started making comments about a couple of my close friends and about he didn’t like them because he felt they were too independent and how they were married but didn’t put their hisbands first. He also made a comment on how he didn’t want me wearing dresses out unless I was with him. He then made comments on how when we got married he wanted to be sure that he would come number one and that he didn’t want me going out unless it was for birthdays. He was always asking questions about my ex boyfriend (Who he never met and that relationship ended four years before!!)…I wont deny that it put a strain on our relationship because I didn’t quite understand how they could be so important to him. So I bit my tongue on many occasions and just reassured him he was the man for me. I did really love him by this point and would have done anything to make it work.

Another twist is that his friends are all so much older than him (at least 10 years) and are married with children. Yet they go out and behave like they are single which I had seen for myself! They have the view that women are housemakers and should not go out etc. I began to feel like he was living in his friends shadows and being influenced by them. One of them had made a comment in the past that I seemed like a very headstrong girl and didn’t think I would be the type of girl for him to marry. Also, (without sounding too big headed) I am a very attractive girl. In terms of attraction, there was a lot of chemistry between me and him. But he always said he couldn’t handle seeing other guys look at me and again, I felt that his friends were making him feel that my looks would land us in to trouble or something. He constantly needed his ego to be massaged. Again, I loved him, so I told him how wonderful he was to me….

And then Valentines comes. We go away for the weekend. It was great. In fact, it was perfect. We were two happy people, away from all our friends and family and familiar surroundings. And we had the best time ever. I was a girl who could not feel the ground. Within the week after Valentines, he began making comments about how he felt I was going to leave him. And also about how he thought I would be OK if we ever ended. I kept reassuring him I was going noweher and that my life was with him. By this point our families were looking forward to a wedding, although the Indian traditional engagement ceremony had yet to be done.

The following weekend, we are on the phone as usual on a Sunday evening catching up and then he dropped the bombshell. He wanted to end things. He said he could not continue as he felt I deserved better and that he was a 'bad' person. He said I was amazing etc….He even cried! He said he wanted to tell his family the next day that things were over. He had become so sure that he wanted to end things, so suddenly and I was left reeling. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he had done this to me. Again.

Yes, sure, we argued. Who doesn’t? But he used that as an excuse. I know that is not true because when we disagreed, and came to resolve our issues, we did it like adults and let issues rest…

We both sat on the phone crying to each other but I knew in my heart it was over…

Since then, I have heard nothing. Until last Thursday…he messaged me on facebook basically apologising and saying that I deserved better and I would get it one day…

I never replied. I don’t know if I should? I know he is bad for me. He never knew my worth in the beginning and I was silly to think he would in the end. The truth is, he never changed. He just pretended to be someone he isnt. But why do I miss him so much? And why am I so sad? And why do I feel the urge to message him back?

This is so hard….[/FONT]

**spurzzz** · 04-21-2011 04:24 AM

"he completely cut contact with me....................Days passed and still nothing" - First Alarm Bell

"saying that I was being weird and he felt things were getting too serious and that he wasn’t ready for commitment" --

The guy is telling you he is not ready for commitment but on your first date you appreciatd his mature outlook on relationships and how serious he was........also notice how he is shifting the blame onto you for being "weird" but yet he is the one who keeps coming and going - 2ND Alarm Bell

After this exchange over Blackberry, he deleted me as a contact - 3RD Alarm Bell
He is a game player, get him and x-box.

"his friend calls me telling me how much my ex was missing me and that he was sick of looking at his depressed face all day" ----

What this really means is that after his failed attempts at manipulating you with his texts, he used his mate to do his dirty work. A classic trick from a control freak - Alarm Bell 3

"he started making comments about a couple of my close friends and about he didn’t like them"

Remember my control freak comment above......see the signs now? This fellla has some major insecurity issues -- Alarm Bell 4

"Within the week after Valentines, he began making comments about how he felt I was going to leave him"

Yep, the insecurity issues again. Also he is playing games with your emotions and twisting things to project his faults onto you....it is how guilty people like him deal with the guilt. Notice how he says that "you will leave him" that way when he leaves you it will strangely leave you with the notion that it was your fault. Alarm Bell 5 - GETTING LOUDER

"I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he had done this to me. Again."

Think about this one for me. He has been doing the very same thing from the start, the writing has been on the wall yet you have chose to erase them everytime.....why?.....You felt you could change him right, to make him good, the way you want him to be. What a confusing and challenging man this is, the push pull of emotions, the adrenaline of when you are finally reunited, the connection must have been wham! The highs of ecstasy to the flowing tears that were inevitable. Drug users go though the same thing you know? And there is always one road that leads to.......are you now beginning to understand why after 8 weeks you are so hooked on him ---------- addiction for the mind. Alarm Bell 6 and this one has broke it was so loud.

But why do I miss him so much? And why am I so sad? And why do I feel the urge to message him back?

you are so entwined in this mess you feel empty without it..........your brain felt alive with all the emotion, you felt alive even when it was negative! The want, the chase, the drama. What really is at work here is that this man hurts your ego everytime he leaves you high and dry and you feel that you must compensate for that by getting him back. GET OUT OF THAT TRAP!

Do not reply to his calls again or his texts or anything. It is not about proving anything here or showing who is the bigger person, it is simply about you saving yourself from this mess and allowing your mind to heal itself in a positive way.

Use this experience as a positive one where you have learned from mistakes and how some people are. Keep note of the alarm bells in future and be cautious. Be a real Woman, know what you want and don't tolerate for nothing less.

I wish you the best of luck.
If you need advice/want to talk you can message me anytime.

**jns** · 04-21-2011 06:29 PM

He sounds controlling and so do his friends. It also sounds like he is trying to set the hook deep and make you emotionally dependent on him.

**Need_advice** · 04-22-2011 06:15 AM

Look! Even I have gone through this kind of emptiness post breakup. I knew my ex was a wrong person but still I felt like I need him back in my life. Its true dat this is addiction to mind.

Don't let anyone else rule your mind. Save yourself from dat jerk. He has abused U. He was never truly in love wid u. It was always mere attraction. 'coz u r beautiful. He has never loved d real person dat lies in U. B strong. I know its very difficult. we girls get strongly attached 2 d 1 we fall in love wid. but...The attachment will gradually disappear once u detach.

Not everyone here gets this type of Callings in life. Dont ignore his abusing.
Save yourself for your wud b lyf partner. N b wiser wen U make a choice this time.

Don't reply him.. You hav already given him fair chances. Forget him. 'coz who is not worthy staying in life, is not worthy staying on mind either.
Keep yourself busy in other activities of your interest. Move ahead for a New life. Make a fresh new start.

All the Best!!

**ren_07** · 04-25-2011 09:39 PM

Here's what's really sad: you seem like you're way out of this guy's league with how awesome, giving, and beautiful you are and yet he's managed to make you think he's the best thing for you. Trust me, all his friends including him knew you could do better and since he feeds off of control like the rest of his buddies, he realized controlling you would fill him with guilt since you deserve better. I think his games finally caught up with him.

He will be back because underneath this mess, he does care for you although its always overshadowed by how much more he cares for himself. He has no concern for what emotional damage he's causing to you (and clearly others since he broke off that previous engagement so suddenly). So you must prepare for how you will handle it this time. And I highly advise that you don't fall for his toxic mind games anymore and hope and pray you meet someone who blows this dude out of the water and totally takes your mind away from the past and maybe wakes you up to some of the stunts he pulled BEFORE his next appearance. I suggest getting him a prescription for Paxil.

**ren_07** · 04-25-2011 09:42 PM

And I do love the classic "it's not you it's me" lines. He totally was setting up his stunt to bow out gracefully from that weekend you spent together with all his "you'll leave me bc you're so much better than me" comments. I don't think there's anyone this guy loves more than himself.

**jaskaur** · 04-26-2011 06:55 AM

Hey! Thank you all for your replies. You are all very right in the fact that he is a controlling guy. I constantly had this feeling of anxiety and worry that something would go wrong. I kind of began to feel like he was maybe too good to be true, with all the promises of a 'great life' and 'sticking together forever'...Those are just some of the things he promised me. I always had a bad feeling about his friends and remember saying to myself that their influence on him would bring the downfall of our relationship and put strains on us. It did in the end. I am relieved that this happened now and not later down the line, where walking away would have been even harder (after marraige). I have no doubt he found it hard to end the relationship, but more for his own conscience, and not because of the fact that he was hurting another girl. Me.

I wont deny that this has knocked my confidence somewhat. I am scared that next time i will miss the signs (as opposed to ignoring them) or that the next guy will be even better at stringing me along, whilst i will be crazy in love. I dont like to think that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I just dont know if i trust my own judgement anymore

I admit, i ignored the alarm bells...because for so long, my dear friends and family told me i was too fussy and that Mr Perfect doesnt exist. I was told that the guy most women fall in love with has his imperfections to begin with and that over time, they fade away as you grow to love them. That was the approach i took with him. Yes- on paper, this guy was all that and more. Very attractive too. But i am also 'a catch' and i guess i forgot that while i was with him...