How to deal with my gay friend?

**D.D** · 04-21-2011 07:13 PM

i wanna start by saying that im from Lebanon so that you would understand more the story im about to tell.
ive been friends with this guy for like 6 years, we went to the same school, and now we're in the same college. we're close friends. he was straight, but he was never in a relationship because every time he got closer to a girl, he ran away saying that hes afraid to commit to her.. he had sexual experiences with random girls..
first year in college, he failed his first semester (and in the college we're in, failing one semester means you cant go through the second one, and you have to wait till the next year to redo the courses you have failed.. its pretty messed up..) im kind of a geek so i study a lot, so we kinda drifted apart when i had my exams.
he felt alone and miserable, his friends were so busy studying, and having nothing to do with his life, feeling like a failure, a guy hit on him.
and this is how it all started. my friend is kinda weak and usually NEEDS my advices in his life, but during this phase i was absent. he went out with this guy and felt happy with him, he gave him what he needed, a friend, then this guy kissed him, and my friend kissed him back, and for the first time in his life, he was in a relationship with someone he had feelings for. the day after they had sex, my friend took me out, and confessed everything to me, it was a shock. i didnt know what to do and how to deal with it. i listened to him talk, and discovered that he has regrets, and he wants to be straight, so i helped him get back on that track. he ended his relationship with that guy, and started going out with girls (but as usual, he ran away). its been 2 years now, 2 months ago, he confessed that he is gay. he told me that he has been in a relationship for 9 months now and he's so happy, and this is who he is. i accepted him for who he is but im so worried about him, being gay in Lebanon has a dead end. if his family finds out it would be a big problem.
im not sure how to advice him anymore, he seems to always make bad decisions now, his bf treats him bad, he even cheated on him, yet he got back with him (after promising me that he wouldnt) when i give him an advice he would say that homosexuals are different and that his life is now messed up and dirty.
i listen to him talk to me about his sex life, which disturbs me, i find it really hard to imagine, i dont even have sexual experiences and the only stories i hear are about homosexuals.
from time to time i try to tell him to go see a therapist, without pushing him, i tell him that it might not make u straight, but it would be nice if you talk to someone, get to understand why you are like that. he said he really wants to go but he doesnt have enough money.
yesterday we were talking again about this, and i told him to tell his brother to pay for his therapy, but he refused.
today he came over and told me that his brother found out about him being gay. he has been watching him for 6 months, and has threatened him to end his relationship with that guy, and to stop what he is doing right now, he even said that he'll force him to marry a girl when he's done with school. he threatened to harm his bf if he keeps talking to him. so in the end my friend ended up telling him that he will stop everything (just to shut his brother up), and that he needs to see a therapist. his brother told him that he will pay for every session and that he will be watching him closely.

i'm kinda lost here, im happy he's seeing a therapist, but im kinda sure he's not going to change, i dont even know if being gay is something psychological and could be healed.
should i be pushing him to have therapy and end his relationship with his bf? or should i take his side and defend him and maybe even try to talk with his brother?

**WildChild** · 04-21-2011 08:52 PM

It is generally accepted by most people, outside of certain religious types, that homosexuality is something a person is born into. Efforts to "cure" people of it have been largely unsuccessful. Your friend has the burden of dealing with this in a social and religious environment where it is not acceptable on any level. Here in the US if someone who is gay has the misfortune to have a family that cannot accept it, they have to option of finding communities (especially the larger cities) where they are accepted. Your friend does not have that option in the present situation in Lebanon.

His ideal solution would be to be able to emigrate to a country where he would not be subject to possibly severe reactions due to his homosexuality. Another possible solution would be to find a lesbian woman to marry and then each could discretely have a same sex relationship. I believe that in the past this was a fairly common solution in many countries. Unfortunately in those times when women's sexual needs were not much considered, it was more likely that a gay man would marry and his wife might not know that he was gay. She would be his unwitting cover and if she actually loved him and wanted sex, she was in a tough spot. But in some cases in did work out ok.

I think right now your friend needs to play it safe, complete his education and then see what he can create for himself in his life.

**jns** · 04-21-2011 08:58 PM

Well said, WC. Can he get his education in a more open country?

**D.D** · 04-22-2011 06:46 AM

he always talks about leaving his parents house, and then leaving this country when he graduates, he tells me that he does have dreams to be living with his bf in one house. but right now he's being watched closely that his brother wont allow him to stay home alone anymore. his brother is going back to Saudi Arabia in a week or two but i dont think he'll leave him alone even when he's gone.
about getting his education somewhere else, right now he has no money no nothing, he still depends on his parents, if he wants to go to another school abroad, his parents would pay for that, and now that his brother knows he will never let this happen..

homosexuality here is increasing a lot that its becoming a kind of trend, so im worried about his true feelings, i have a lesbian cousin and a lesbian aunt and i never doubted that, but i keep doubting my friend because he gets influenced by others all the time, if you put him with a group who smokes he will start smoking. he once took me to a gay bar with him and a couple of friends. i got hit on by a girl, and when i told her i was straight, she told me to stop coming here, that she was straight too and in a relationship, but she came here frequently with gay friends, that soon she turned into a lesbo. this thing creeps me out! ive heard it a lot that now everybody is going bisexual just for fun, this is why im doubting my friends true "gayness". and thats why im lost if i should push him to see a therapist or just accept it the way it is.