Fear of intimacy?
It has never really occurred to me before, but I think that maybe I have a fear of intimacy. I was watching Bridget Jones' Diary (random I know) and it struck me how uncomfortable I felt watching some of the more 'intimate' scenes, despite not being very raunchy as it were. It then struck me that I find it really awkward seeing people hug/kiss etc. The thought of being like that with someone seems crazy to me.
I have spent a lot of my time moving around - I'm currently living in my 11th house and I am only 18. I have loved the moving around, I have lived all around the world in some truly beautiful places and met some truly wonderful people.
I'm reasonably confident with myself I think, I have the usual hang ups and my body is in no way perfect but it could be worse.
I don't have any really, really close friends, you know, the ones who know your all your secrets, that I can rely on to be there when I need them most. I know I am close to them, as in I know a lot of their secrets and so on, they just don't know mine if that makes sense. I do have a bit of a 'tough girl' image with most of my friends though, none of my current friends have ever seen my cry and I like that image, if that doesn't sound stupid. I'm not weak, but I'm not as strong as they perhaps think.
I have only ever had one boyfriend, a few years ago and I thought he was pretty clingy to be honest, the main reason for me dumping him after a couple of months. He tended to constantly hang out with me and not his own friends as well as constantly touching me which I sometimes found a bit awkward. I was always afraid of being alone with him for some reason, although I felt as though he was trustworthy and wouldn't push me at all.
I do quite often want a boyfriend (and there is someone who come to mind...) and all the niceness and problems that comes with it, but I just freak when I think about becoming more intimate with them. I don't wish to have sex with any boyfriend that I have unless I am sure that they are 'the one' and I know I won't move on that - they are my values and I shall stick to them.
I don't know if all this is relevant but it just might be easier to make a judgement if you know a bit of my back story. I do find it quite hard to open up to people I know, should they think that I'm weak or just a bit weird! Thankyou for taking the time to read this
You pulling away from guys probably causes some to try to get you to change by being clingy. You might want to try some type of group therapy to become more comfortable around people in general. I can see where the constant moving could cause this type of situation.
I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
...
Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?
Patrick Henry
You are me, 10 years ago. And i've turned out alright
There is nothing wrong with you apart from a lack of experience, thats all. This one boyfriend that you had was probably not right for you, especially if you were uncomfortable when left alone with him. Do you have any plans to go to university? The reason why I ask is that this is what transformed me. I had to come out of my shell and socialise, I had to deal with male attention and I had to learn how to look after myself. If you have no plans of going to university, perhaps join a social group anything from a pilates class to a cooking course!
Your...shall we say confidence, will improve with time and experience.
“As you regonise that you already own the wholeness you seek, and no one outside you can give you more than you already are, dysfunctional situations will evaporate like bad dreams exposed to the morning sun.”
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