Need a listening ear...relationship issues

**SomiticPit** · 04-30-2011 09:56 AM

I feel so unheard right now. There's no one to turn to, and I'm starting to feel completely alone. I try to keep my thoughts rational on all of this, but I'm starting to lose my grip. I need someone to hear me out and understand things from my point of view. I'm not looking to be told I'm RIGHT, because I know in a disagreement, it's not about whose right and whose wrong. I just need someone to LISTEN, and understand that I do have a good point of view, and that I'm not wrong for feeling the way I do. This will be a long one, so for those who take the time to read it and post your thoughts/opinions/advice....thank you so much in advance.

I don't even know where to start. I feel like there are so many issues. I guess I will start by saying this, my boyfriend's name is Eric and we live together in my hometown. I am seven weeks pregnant with his baby. So because of this, I can't just easily pack my bags and walk out the door if I feel "through" with the relationship. I need to find a resolution to our conflicts. We have both made the choice to stand our ground and we both feel we each deserve an apology from the other. I feel like it's always me who is saying sorry first; I'm always the one willing to forgive and forget and make things work. But I always feel defeated, misunderstood, and not completely okay with the resolution, while he always feels he's right and justified. But I still want to find that middle ground. He doesn't want to "agree to disagree," I've tried that one. He feels he isn't wrong to feel the way he does, and he's right, he's not wrong. But he NEEDS to realize that I'm not wrong to feel the way I do either.

I guess I'll begin by explaining our last big fight and what it was about. First off, the fight was about something so simple, I can't believe the fight was so big. I'm going to include a lot of detail, so I'll try to be clear and precise.

My friend Kayla invited us out to the bar. I asked Eric if he wanted to go, and he agreed to go. We both needed to get out of the house. As soon as we get there, I realize I am walking into a live band's show, I will call them The BB Friscos. Here is some information you will need to know:

This band's members are friends of mine, all male. I dated the guitarist prior to meeting Eric. His name is Elijah. I dated Elijah for about four months. Elijah ended up really hurting my feelings and I can now say I hate his guts. He is the scum between my toes... The drummer of the BB Friscos, on the other hand, is a really close friend of mine. His name is Michael. Michael and I never dated but we became really close friends and I knew that Michael had fallen for me about the same time I was dating Elijah. Michael and I never had sex, never became intimate. We remained close. Eric knows ALL of this. And for the reason that I had sex with Elijah and for the reason that Michael used to like me, Eric is very uncomfortable with me going to a Frisco show, much less attending one himself.

ALSO, Eric doesn't like any of the band members plus other mutual male friends because at the beginning of our relationship, I ruined any friendship they could've had. I invited him to Kayla's boyfriends birthday party. Kayla's boyfriend's name is Pierce. I ended up getting really drunk and Eric didn't. Pierce's roommate's name is Joseph. Joseph and I used to see each other last year, and we went out on dates and had hooked up in bed. Well, Joseph was at Pierce's party and flirted with me (and I flirted back, being drunk and all.) At this point, I didn't consider Eric and I to be in a relationship because we had only been talking for a couple of weeks, so while I'm getting drunk and flirting with guys I've dated in the past, I didn't much take Eric into consideration. Eric ended up getting mad that night, I ended up getting mad, and so did Michael and the other guys.

I will take the blame for setting the stage here. I know I was in the wrong. But now Eric feels like they all talk about him and don't like him. But the worst they have ever said is that Eric is controlling. They are all willing to overlook that night and the opinions they have had about Eric in the past, but Eric is not going to let it go so easily. So now the dilemma is that Eric and my friends (being Michael and Pierce mainly, all the other guys I don't consider friends really) don't get along, and because Eric won't forget past differences, I don't think they ever will.

The other dilemma is, I am basically forbidden to go to a Frisco show with Kayla. This really upsets me because going to Frisco shows are something Kayla and I have really enjoyed to do together. We've been friends for years, but it's how Kayla and I really bonded last summer. We would always go to a Frisco show and dance the night away! It's awesome that my friend Michael plays in a band that plays awesome music that Kayla and I can dance to. Last summer was a special time in my life for Kayla and me and the Friscos were part of that. Now Kayla goes all the time with Pierce, and I can't. She is saddened because I can't be there anymore, and I was the one person who introduced her to the Friscos, who set her and Pierce up. I'm the missing ingredient in her life. I basically feel like something has been taken from me. I understand that Eric doesn't want me around anyone I have slept with, it makes PERFECT sense. But he needs to understand that the guy I slept with, I hate! Elijah and I don't even talk anymore, much less make eye contact. So I don't know what he has to worry about.

Okay, so back to the reason we fought...we walk into the bar and I realize that it's a Frisco show. I stay close to Eric all night, try to make him feel as comfortable as possible because I already knew the situation we were in. Eric remains cool about it all night, he even talks to Pierce and Michael briefly who congratulate us on our pregnancy. Everyone treated Eric friendly (Eric says they were just being two-faced). Anyway. Kayla begs me to dance ALL night, but at first I refuse because my stomach hurts. Then I refuse because I feel skeptical about how Eric is going to feel if I do go dance to the Friscos. As soon as Eric walked outside to smoke, I danced. And Eric got really mad about this fact because I chose to dance when he wasn't around, which to him makes it seem like I have something to hide. But I didn't have anything to hide.He says if I can hide something this small then I will hide something bigger. He knew I danced, I immediately told him I danced, but he got mad because I waited until he went outside. I just wasn't very comfortable with him being there watching me dance to the Friscos when I know how he feels about the Friscos...I guess it just felt better to wait until he went outside.

So we had a very big fight, YELLING, CUSSING, NAME-CALLING that night as soon as we got home. He kept yelling over me and wouldn't let me share my feelings. He feels I did something wrong, he feels I'm being SELFISH, he feels I think my friends are more important than him, he thinks I'm choosing their side...The way I see it is I have friends and I'm losing them. I feel completely alone nowadays because seeing my friends isn't an easy task. I feel like I don't have a life outside of Eric. I don't ever see Michael anymore, I hardly ever see Kayla, and when I do Eric is always around so it's never really OUR time. Now he wants me to move to his hometown, where I know NOBODY and start a life with him and have our baby, our family. But I already feel so alone. I feel like a part of my life has been ripped from me and I can never have it back. And it's not about choosing HIM or THEM. It's about I want both. I should be able to have him and my friends. Isn't that a normal part of every relationship? But instead he's the only person I have to talk to and half the time I'm angry with him. He says I don't know how to communicate, but the problem is I don't want to communicate. Every time I try to tell my feelings to him, he disagrees and then it turns into a screaming match, where all I want is to be heard. So when I become close-mouthed, thats when the communication problem becomes MY fault, just like every thing else in our relationship. I know I've made mistakes in our relationship, but I also put effort into trying to make things right. I've worked so hard with trying to make things right with Eric, trying to give him piece of mind, and now that we have a baby on the way, I can't give up when I feel like I should. But all my efforts that deserve consideration get overlooked! ALL THE TIME! Eric feels like he has sacrificed so much but he doesn't realize that I have sacrificed so much too! I've given up a big chunk of my life, a part of my life that used to make me happy! I used to see friends on a daily basis, now I see friends maybe once a month, and that's ONLY Kayla! I don't have friend relationships anymore. And I do feel like it's my fault because of my past, but I can't do anything to change that.

I am so STUCK, so ALONE. I have no one to talk to anymore. =(
Please someone tell me SOMETHING, anything!

**SomiticPit** · 04-30-2011 10:21 AM

Also, I'd like to add that anytime we fight like this, I always have this knawing feeling inside to run back to my ex for comfort by email, text, or phone... please somebody tell me what to do about this!

**WildChild** · 04-30-2011 10:40 AM

It sounds like have put yourself between a rock and a hard place.
You haven't known this man very long.
He has been incarcerated, this limits his employment and living options.
You are pregnant, if you chose to continue the pregnancy you will be tied in some way to this man all your life.
If you are going to be a mother; alcohol, bars, dancing all night, hanging out with bands, getting into yelling matches and big blow up fights, are not very good pieces to have in your puzzle.

Yes, you are very likely to lose all these people you think of as friends once you have a baby. You are moving into a very different phase of life. It generally just doesn't work out maintaining friendships with only people who are living single and partying. At this point your body isn't just yours to use and abuse, anything you do, such as drinking and stay up all night, you also do to the fetus inside you. Once you give birth you have responsibility for another life, one who cannot care for themselves in the slightest way. YOU will be fully responsible for them for years.

If you are having these kinds of issues in the relationship this early on, you have both got a lot of work to do if you are going to make this last. If he is controlling and jealous moving away to a place where you are essentially socially isolated is a very bad idea. But it doesn't sound like you have a very positive support network where you are either. What about your family? Do you have any friends or family who are young parents? People who have good relationships, you can turn to for advice and emotional support?

Having a baby is a huge responsibility. Is he wanting to move to get to a place where there may be a larger support network? Where he can work and the two of you can prepare to be parents in a better environment?

Sweetie it isn't that a part of your life is being "ripped" from you. Its time to grow up, if you are going to be a mother, you have to put away the single life expectations and desires and move in a different direction. You and Eric have to learn to communicate, to give and receive, to respect each other. That will take both of you communicating, listening, compromising and finding a middle ground that works. Give this a few days to cool, and then sit down in a very calm time and talk. No voice raising, no histrionics, if he says something you disagree with instead of arguing, say, "let me think about that" or ask him to get you more information and deal with it separately a few days or a week later when you can be calm and rational and not have 10 other things in the pot with it.

Yes you can and should have friends, a partner and a child but they have to be able to blend together and be mutually supportive.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2011 04:14 PM

Honey,

You are with a man whom thinks being a man means, you respect his wishes, listen to what he says, and is opinionated, to which you will and have rebelled, such as going of dancing when he leaves the room,so you don't have to ask him and you don't have to hear the words no....

You know things aren't that way, you work things together..

It is a small town, it's therefore difficult for one partner to face others whom have been with their partner but he seems to accept that, would rather not face it though.

Your ex is an ex for a reason as much as those guys you slept with are no longer a part of your life for a reason...

You never go backwards.

You are pregnant and congrats sweet, obviously want to go ahead with this baby but you need to sit down and work out how you can go it alone, because anything can happen, you are not happy now, so you have to look at facing this alone, can you do that have you gotten all the information that is available to you to do that, I assume you are still in Oklahoma?

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-30-2011 07:37 PM

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. I have thought of you so many times, in worry for you because of this relationship, how quickly you moved, how you simply wouldn't hear of it when any of us told you to slow down, and how you were pretty non chalant about the idea of getting pregnant. I saw so many red flags that I feared for you and I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now. What WC and CW told you is 100% spot on.

A baby won't make a happy relationship. One of the other members here (can't remember who...perhaps Seeker...) said "children would rather be from a broken him than to grow up in one". This is so very very true.

Why is it you feel trapped? There's nothing about you that is trapped right now. A pregnancy doesn't make you trapped and it doesn't mean that you must be with someone you're not happy with. But here is the problem I have with that: jumping from one guy to the next is NEVER the answer, but it's DEFINITELY not the answer when there is a child involved. If you leave Eric, will you be leaving Eric so that you can run into the arms of another guy? There will come a time when you have to decide to be okay with just YOU. Your worth and happiness should not be defined by a man.

The fight ? Yes, that's small beans. You both are nitpicking each other. Can you be a mother and still have fun and do things with your friends? Absolutely. But the band, bar, dancing all night scene needs to be a part of your past. If Kayla is truly your friend and truly wants to be a part of your life, then she will want to do OTHER things with you. How about a dinner? A movie? A shopping trip? A massage? A manicure? Meet at a coffee shop for a chat? Take a walk? Exercise together? Etc. You do not have to give up your friendship. It just needs to change...because your life has changed. Life changes...and we have to be willing to change with it.

You're not alone. We're always here to listen and try really hard to tell you what you need to hear even if it's not what you want to hear. Life will be what you make of it at this point. You will have friends if you want them. YOu will have a life outside of Eric if you want one. It's up to you.....

**SomiticPit** · 04-30-2011 07:52 PM

Thank you everyone. I'll come back to read your responses more as I try to figure everything out. In times when I don't know what to do, this forum is usually where I turn.

**caterpillar79** · 04-30-2011 09:39 PM

Originally Posted by SomiticPit

Thank you everyone. I'll come back to read your responses more as I try to figure everything out. In times when I don't know what to do, this forum is usually where I turn.

You take care, dear. We are here for you. Listen to the ladies' comments above they are full of wisdom. It takes time, but you will make it. Change could be painful but if it is for your baby, it is worth it all.

**SomiticPit** · 05-01-2011 11:46 AM

I also wanted to share a few small points, just so there is no confusion...I was not drinking the night we went to the bar, nor do I smoke! I would never do that to a blessing growing inside of me. Eric and I were simply just trying to get out of the house, so we went where Kayla was at. And also, being at the bar with Kayla was I think they first time in months, so I try not to make it an every week thing. LOL. I just don't think it was necessary that Eric get so mad over ONE time that we went out, and he knows I tried to make it an enjoyable night for both of us, I don't know what went so wrong.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-01-2011 11:56 AM

Ahh, I never doubted that you wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol or smoke will pregnant.

I think it's just the setting, the bar setting, the scene, etc. There just comes a point in life where ya sort of have to be willing to give that up to some extent and reorganize your social activities to fit your lifestyle. And I still hold to the fact that if Kayla IS really your friend, you're not going to lose her friendship just because you are pregnant, in a relationship and can no longer me a Frisco (I'm sure I'm spelling it wrong..lol) groupie.

I don't think he was right in getting so angry over you dancing. I can see why it felt it odd you waited for him to go outside to do it. I don't think it's worth fighting over.