Looking for a little advice to help a friend

**miffed23** · 05-09-2011 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by spurzzz

Do they take drugs out of interest?

First thing that came into my mind too. Along with, does he drink?

Originally Posted by spurzzz

The thing is, our suggesstions on this forum could make the situation a lot worse as we are not professional enough to deal with a crisis like this. You must take this into consideration. If I was you, try and get her to see someone who can give her the advice and guidance she needs. In the meantime, just be supportive and tell her you are there for her

With the obvious exception to brining her here for support and sending her links to articles that may help her too.

I agree. I think it is unlikely that she will be able to come on this forum though, he will watch her every move no doubt. You really cant do anymore, you're there to reassure her and support her. Relax knowing that you are doing everything that you can. Friends like you are exceptionally important.

Please keep us updated.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-09-2011 04:40 PM

She is questioning whether or not it's in her head, because he has made her feel worthless.

More than likely he has also told her " no one would have you, want you, but me" that indicates that he loves her, in her mind.

Same with the Garage, whilst it's control, she is seeking love, attention and he's giving attention, doesn't want her to go right? Love.

Same with the plane, he lied, didn't want her to go must love me right?

Usually a person that puts up with abuse has been in a simular relationship before, felt un-loved, un-worthy, a pattern....

This is dangerous that she is now isolated she will have no self worth, what little she did have, does have will be gone.

If she was catching a plane, where are the children?

She must have a brother, sister, Mother, Father do they know?

The focus is on the children, does she want them to continue to see this and think that is the way you should live? Their future life?

If you can take her back to a place she remembers when she was really happy and ask her to look at that, how wonderful it would be if she was there again....

If she was to write down all the things she would love now from a relationship then write down all the things she has from this relationship one would be huge and the other nothing....(then burn those papers) she may actually see

She needs to see a good past, and she needs to see a future, a belief and at this point she doesn't hate him, until she can she may even turn up but there is no guarantee she will not go back to him...

It's like hitting someone between the eyes, OMG, yes, I was that person, independant, carefree, I used to do this, that and I was actually happy....And, yeah, I had a previous partner, this husband off course I am not old and can find someone better, someone else, how wicked it would be to have all that was on that list and my life back...I now see all the things I don't have with him....anger starts to come into it....

She needs to see, definately my kids I don't want them to ever live this life, another reason why I have to get the heck out of this.

If you can get her to that point, and if you could afford it, you, your husband, her family collectively on her doorstep in front of him, helping her walk out the door once and for all so he sees "everyone knows" .....

CW

**WildChild** · 05-09-2011 04:45 PM

She does need to get out and he could be very dangerous when she does. Statistically the greatest danger times are when leaving and when realize that they are losing the control. This is when she is most likely to end up dead or in mortal danger.

Keeping some one in a garage confined to a vehicle for hours is extreme.

How certain are you that she has any secure way to communicate? He could have a keystroke counter on her computer and get her passwords and access any and everything.

She needs to get in HER car and go, forget depending in him to transport her anyplace.
She needs to immediately get an attorney and separate the finances.
She needs him off her credit accounts and a Mrs only on the accounts, otherwise when she runs and she will be running, he can start tracing her through gas or hotel use by calling the credit company or bank and saying he needs to know where the card was last used.

She needs to have a "safe house" she can go to with her child who is still at home and that means someone he doesn't know. You are not a "safe" place for her to go, nor is her child who is no longer at home or her family. She, her child and her vehicle will need to be a to become invisible for a period of time. Depending on how deranged he is, make no mistake, he is, her older child could become a target and will need to be very wary.

It would be best if she gets out if she can change the kid's school and make sure the schools know to release NO information. Control freaks often do not give up control easily.

She needs an attorney, one of Seekers bulldogs but a very astute one.

Ideally she should act like she is won over on the idea of moving and is going to start packing and making arrangements to relocated her business and all that and that he really needs to stay with his mother to help her. If she can pull that off it will be much easier for her to get out of this.

I had to find a way to trick a controlling ex (he wasn't nearly as bad) to move back to my home turf where I had a support network that he didn't know to get out with my kids. This guy sounds much more extreme. We did spend a couple days in hiding and I did have a way lined up to literally vanish from sight. Yes, they are masters at manipulating people, it would nice to think that the police aren't so easily fooled but they are human. She needs to call first, for some reason many times calling first makes you more right.

**Freedom Fighter** · 05-15-2011 09:52 AM

A HUGE thank you to my Concerned Friend. Thank you for your support, thank you for listening, and thank you for leading me here.

For 3 years, I have kept everything to myself. Why? Because everyone loves this guy. Because everyone thinks we are the 'perfect' couple. Because maybe if I told them, they wouldn't believe me. Maybe they would think I'm exaggerating. Maybe everyone would automatically tell me to 'leave' him (as if I don't already know). Then, the pressure is on. When I began talking about the situation to Concerned Friend back in October, she did not simply tell me to 'get out.' I thank her for that; and I held on to that. Leaving is much easier said than done.

Controllers are master manipulators and the irony is, I was attracted to his high level of intelligence. Unfortunately, though, it is his intelligence that allows him to 'smooth talk' me in such a way to actually make sense. To make me believe that it is really me. That is, if I am unaware. On the surface, I can appear to be very aware of the situation. Heck, I have an Education degree and minored in Psychology. I know what he's doing to me. When I call him out (so to speak), he calls me Miss Expert Psychologist, for example. I think he feels threatened by my knowledge and perceptions. However, deep down, it becomes more complex as I find myself struggling with the maybe it is really me, maybe I am crazy, maybe...

I think it is my arrogance that has kept him around. I think I can try all these different ways to show him what he is doing and then he will stop! Wishful thinking is what I'm realizing.

After driving for 5 days (alone)-to get from AZ to MI-only to find out his mother really does not have a 3-week expiration date, he continues to tell me I am not supportive and I don't do what a good wife should do. "My mom is dying and you don't care. My mom is dying and you should be doing every little thing I tell you to do or you are not showing proper support." (in a nutshell)

When he drove me all around his hometown and pointed out every business and told me who owned it, who their kids were, where they went to school, etc, I became terrified. I became even more terrified when he decided we should open a bank account there and, upon entering the bank, he knew the person opening our account! I knew then that I could never get my own account for security purposes - he will know everything. Then, it hit me: No wonder he wants me in MI so badly. He will be able to watch EVERY move I make - or have someone do it for me. His words: It's gonna be great! I know everyone here; I can work them. I can get anything I want. Wait and see.

Oh God, no! It was at that time I had no doubt in my mind that I had to find my way back to AZ BY MYSELF! I quickly accepted the fact that it meant losing my car and brand-new laptop; after all, material possessions take a back seat when your sanity is at stake.

I am happy to say that I am home safe and sound. And although he managed to drain my savings, I came home to a few checks (one being a surprise), and scraped everything together and bought a car immediately. I came home on Friday, got a car on Saturday. Step 1 is done. So is step 2. I told him last night that we (meaning myself and my son) have no intentions on moving to MI under these circumstances. He immediately shifted responsibility and said, "I'm sorry you feel as if I'm a monster. I hope you can resolve this within yourself" to which I replied, "Resolving your issues is not my responsibility. That's what counseling is for." And I haven't spoken with him since.

But since I have gotten off that plane, I've reached out to my support system. I have been telling EVERYONE what is really going on in this relationship. Some are shocked, some already either sensed it or had a clue. But, just as suspected, they all say 'get out.' Only now, I'm actually ready to hear it.

This is my recovery process, and much like an addict, I have to fight any possibilities of a relapse. I know it won't be easy. My step-mom tells me she had to file for divorce 4 times before she finally left her controlling relationship. I am on the brink of insanity and cannot afford to go 4 times. I need help.

**WildChild** · 05-15-2011 01:05 PM

Talk to an attorney, talk to several, to find one you feel you can work with and who will really go to bat for you. Most do a free consultation so you can assess this. In this process you can also get a lot of information. Get a separation filed ASAP. Make sure you understand how this limits both of you, you cannot take him off your insurances for example. DO NOT give him an opportunity to establish residency in another state and file there, If that happens you will be traveling every time there is a court date and you will have to have an attorney in that state as well as AZ. This can really mess you up. If you fear his response or that he will show up there, get a restraining order.

Get credit and bank stuff closed and/or separated ASAP. Pull up credit reports and see if he has opened accounts you don't know about.

**miffed23** · 05-15-2011 01:47 PM

I am incredibly proud of you. You have brought tears to my eyes. You are an amazing woman.

Keep your support system close, keep us updated and vent your feelings here as much as you wish.

Originally Posted by Freedom Fighter

This is my recovery process, and much like an addict, I have to fight any possibilities of a relapse. I know it won't be easy. My step-mom tells me she had to file for divorce 4 times before she finally left her controlling relationship. I am on the brink of insanity and cannot afford to go 4 times. I need help.

I'd suggest getting an injunction / restraining order. Do not look back. You have done the most difficult part, why would you want to go back? If its because you believe that he will change, he won't - for goodnesss sake, he tried to blame you for his behaviour! Keep busy, I cannot make it clear enough that you need people that you love around you, at every available chance. They will keep you from any possible relapse. Make a giant poster of everything terrible that he did to you and stick it above your bed, photocopy it, stick it everywhere. Think of your son, think about how it would've shaped his life growing up in the same household as this abuser.

If it were possible to hug you through the internet, I would be doing that!

**Freedom Fighter** · 05-15-2011 02:23 PM

All I can say at this time is THANK YOU! I'm going after the poster board right now!

**jns** · 05-15-2011 05:54 PM

FF, glad you got away from that situation and are in a place where you can start to heal. Stay strong. Good luck.

**A Concerned Friend** · 05-15-2011 09:47 PM

FreedomFighter (awesome name!) I am sooooo glad you decided to come here! Everyone here has been wonderful to me and have offered a lot of advice and support to help me help you!!!!!!!!! I am extremely proud of how far you have come and the fact that you are standing firm on what you believe in! I am and will always be here for you..... to listen, give advice, or be a shoulder to cry on.

<3

**spurzzz** · 05-17-2011 03:06 AM

Hi Freedom Fighter, I agree with your friend above great name!

What a well put article you made, thank you for coming here and sharing that with us, it was very touching and I as well as everyone else are extremely happy that you have found the strength within you to break free from the shackles of this disaster! Well done and stay strong!

He immediately shifted responsibility and said, "I'm sorry you feel as if I'm a monster. I hope you can resolve this within yourself"

Do you see how cunning and masterful abusers are? They are so cunning in fact that they even decieve themselves and cannot see the actions of their mind. The way he is eloquently shifted the blame on to you knowing the end is near ---- they always know.

We cannot all be wrong can we?
There is only one person who needs to question their sanity and it is not you. Although you do need to recover and recover now to regain that mental strength which abusers zapp and replace with their own insecurities.....get that back by all means possible, in doing so get yourself back. Your Son is all the strength you need. You want to be miserable or happy?? No need for motivation and no excuse for relapse, COMMON SENSE! THINK!

Plenty of places you can go for help and support, plenty of material to read from and plenty of support from us here and your dear close friend.....best of luck