Thread: Looking for a little advice to help a friend

As her friend, you can encourage her, you can bring resources to her attention that may aid her, but you can't make her leave. And I know you wish you could...I've been there and it's a very helpless feeling.

Is her family aware that she's in an abusive dangerous relationship?

If she has any private moments at all or access to a computer outside of her home, perhaps you could encourage her to join the site here and talk to us.

If she WANTS out, but is scared he'll hurt her, get the police involved and have her stay at your local safe space until things cool down a bit. He can't get to her there.

Does she want out? She needs to realize she may lose her life before she finds the "right" time. There is no better time than now.

It is a very helpless feeling! I hate it! She does want out but is scared. She's not the only one affected by this either she has children (teens from another relationship) that he is very controlling with too. I'm going to point her in this direction.....maybe getting advice from others will give her the ability to be strong enough to leave. She keeps asking me if she's crazy, if it's all in her head, because that's what he tells her. I reassure her that it's him and not her over and over again. I wish I could give her my strength because if it were me I would have left a long time ago. I've been in a abusive relationship so I know where she's coming from. I know the helpless feeling she has and the doubt. I know the "am I the cause of this" feeling she has and I just want to grab her and pull her away. Keep her safe so she doesn't have to go though it. I know I can't "make" her leave. I just wish there was a way I could convince her to leave.

Hi, welcome to WH. She is lucky to have such a good friend like yourself

It is so difficult for the person getting abused to see or think clearly due to the vast amounts of conflicting emotions involved, and so we can never lift their hands for them, that she will have to find the strength to do on her own....

There are sooooo many reasons people stay within abusivie relationships it really is staggering. I think the key thing you can do is to open her mind up to what an abusive relationship is all about and the signs to look out for, but also the damage a relationship like hers can do in the long term.
If she has a moment free, ask her to look up toxic relationships and research into the signs, the symptoms and the help that is available for people in her situation. Of course, you can forward her here also, but additional reading is recommended on her part so she can do some soul searching....

A controllive abuser will always create a scenario where it is never easy to leave them. They will use every trick in the book to control your mind and play on every single fear that you have, many of which they have created themselves by advocating their insecurities onto the vicitm. The idea is to have the victim so helplessly dependent on him that they cannot leave as they need him - this is how they feed their insecurities of abandonment and ease their tension. Very sad indeed.

It is in the end a battle of the minds and right now her mind is not focused. If you can get her to see someone local and professional for advice and guidance and perhaps print her off material to read up on that will open her mind to the reality that is her life at the moment.

Good luck, keep us posted