The interrupted sneeze that is sex.

**BleakA** · 05-10-2011 09:45 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and we get on really well, never even had an argument, we're both laid back and I try keep myself from being too irrational, arguing over the small things seems kind of pointless and we generally come to a natural compromise anyway. long story short: great boyfriend, terrible in bed.
This has been posted thousands of times across the internet, and I'd know since I've probably read a majority of the posts on forums but most advice and replies just seem kind of cookie cutter and chances are I've already tried them, so perhaps posting my own situation will come up with results that could help.
Problem number one:
I've probably never orgasmed, even at my own hand so to speak, the only thing I can compare it to is having an epic sneeze build up then being rudely interrupted and I'm left feeling unsatisfied and generally annoyed. sexy imagery but its as accurate as I can think of, and I'll be honest its something I've thought of a lot.
Problem number two:
He's more attractive than I am, and at the start of the relationship I was quite insecure on how I looked, so I overcompensated for my looks on trying to be a fantastic shag, or at least an adequate enough one to keep him interested, I was always looking up tips and advice on how to keep him interested and to better my... skills in the bedroom, look sexier, be more confident, "find my inner sexual tiger"- aright that one's made up but you get my point. This however set a precedent, I was always the one trying new stuff, how better to please him whereas he just sat there and took it, no new input from him, no... effort.
Problem Three:
as you may already be able to tell, I've been a little... put out with his lack of input, so here's a situation that's been more and more common lately.
me:*mid sexual activity*
him: mmmm or "..."
me: you want me to try a different position/style/whatever?
him: ummmmm.... i dunno.
by that point I generally keep on with the same position or mix things up, depending how bored I am. I don’t look bored, so I’m pretty sure that’s not the problem, so probing further into the realms of guesswork I go, which would be fine if he was at all vocal during the act, but only at the climax do I even receive any indication he enjoyed any of it. This means I’m either terrible in bed or he just isn’t that vocal, I’d rather think the latter but the former is still a possibility, I don’t have any experience to compare it to.
Problem Four;
Foreplay! I get none. Well that’s a slight exaggeration I suppose, he has been known to stick his hand down my pants on occasion and rarer still go down on me but always as a prelude to sex, lasting about 30 seconds to 5 minutes. I get ridiculously wet at the first sign of fire, so much so any penetration feels since I can’t really feel any friction, like at all, so that reduces the need for foreplay (apparently), and when I mentioned it would be nice to have more some months back he has kind of a bored face on which he says is concentration but it generally is just a turn off.

Anyway here’s a situation that happened earlier:
I was awoken by probing fingers in my nether regions, as some particularly bad smut novel would put it, which was pretty hot, I was turned on and everything! his hands roamed the erogenous zones of my flesh, Laurell K Hamilton style :P. and I got more and more turned on. He grabbed a condom and proceeded to screw me, The sensation comparable to enjoying a cigarette after a hard day’s work. Nice but not fantastic, I don’t really have high expectations so this was good enough, he started to pick up a rhythm that was particularly enjoyable (perhaps orgasm worthy) and I expressed my enjoyment as such. seeming to pick up on this, he continued at this frenzied pace and I got closer and closer to the edge, a glimmer of hope that all wasn’t lost sexually. And then he came. Removed his Johnny and started up his computer and set about the day.
That was a better than average experience to be honest. So any idea on what I can do about this? I’m aware he can’t read my mind and I do talk to him now and again about my… dissatisfaction in the bedroom, but telling it to him straight just upsets him and being more subtle just doesn’t work.
Without turning this into (more of) an essay I love the guy, I’m attracted to him, but no matter what I do sex isn’t more enjoyable than pursuing a pleasant hobby.
Any advice?

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-10-2011 10:02 PM

First, I want to tell you that you are so very articulate and I was able to understand everything you conveyed, CLEARLY

And...... there are some aspects I can relate to. The trying to compensate for perceived lack of looks by being good in bed -- been there, done that. If he's so hot, and he's with you... its because he's attracted to you, so you need to let that go... do NOT act like he's doing you some sort of favor by being with you. He isn't, he's with you cause he's into you.

You painted yourself into a sexual corner by taking the lead on everything to show how exciting you are... all he had to do was sit back and enjoy the ride -- and well... sounds like he's gotten cozy with that. If he made the best tasting dinner every single night, never complained, loved doing it... it was always new and exciting dishes... you'd probably eventually get spoiled with that and not really offer to make anything since you know he's going to do it, and he's going to do it well.

Communication iS CRUCIAL... it will change your whole sex life. But before we get there... lets get back to you, you really should try to experience an orgasm at your own hand... you are making a mountain for a man to climb when you expect him to figure out how to make you cum when you, yourself, have no idea. So some self-exploration could do you both some real good there. Because once you learn what physical sensations you need to get you to the big 'sneeze'.. you'll be able to play show and tell with him and let him know what it takes to get you there.

The typical guy WANTS to be good in bed, they want you to feel good, they want to make you cum, they just need you to give them the directions, the map- if you will. Masturbating in front of him, masturbating during sex are not only hot for him to watch, but are also non-verbal ways you can show him what feels good to you.

Spice it up, put the focus on you... instead of knocking his socks off by working on his body... put the attention on YOURS... take his hand and put it between YOUR legs... tell him you want to feel him touch you... I am pretty sure he's not going to disagree!

Just got to open up that dialogue, it will probably spark some new excitement from him as well!

**jns** · 05-10-2011 10:15 PM

It sounds like he won't be the one to get you to orgasm, so you are just going to have to do it for yourself. How have you gone about trying to get yourself to orgasm? Just rubbing while dreaming about sex or looking at porn or what? Many women take a long time to build up, how long have you gone at it? What else have you done to try to get to orgasm?

**BleakA** · 05-11-2011 12:53 AM

Jns, I've tried to get off in many different styles, using my imagination whilst massaging the clit, exploring the different areas of the vagina mixing it up but that generally just produces a build up then nothing, then I'm too sensitive afterwards and doing anything more becomes painful. I experimented with a theory I read somewhere that it could be an orgasm just a small one, and further manipulation immediately afterwards could result in a stronger one, getting over the pain by breathing heavily. this didn't achieve much other than being uncomfortable, but it felt like I was going in the right direction, but I abandoned it after a while of getting no results. as for porn its as much like using my imagination, a bit stronger perhaps but nothing spectacular. I haven't much experience with toys and they would be the next logical route to explore. I've tried a small vibrator and if anything it was less effective than just doing it myself. The whole process of even getting to the build up can take about 20 minutes, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter but I'd think it was a fair average. I've considered I'm just not able to do it but I've came close quite a few times, so I cant be entirely positive. just not sure what to try next
~
Hopeless dork,
I get what your saying about communication, through show rather than tell, but you have to admit the idea of being so exposed like that can be a tiny bit mortifying, which isn't to say I'm a prude, or even particularly shy with my body any more, it just doesn't really strike me as something that anyone would want to see. I'll take a crack at it like, as I say I'm willing to try anything.

**oxy-moron** · 05-11-2011 01:37 AM

Wow- I agree with HD. Very Very articulate. Congrats- best new posting I have read.
You have created a spoiled brat.
You are doing the role a lot of guys have to do. Good looking partners are likely to have been spoiled in the past and expect it.

From what I have read in your description you have had an Orgasm( you get sensitive and this is a post O feeling)
You have just not had the contractions.
Do some research on Oxytocin- It is the hormone that gives contractions.
You can build it up with cuddles massage and touch.- Probably about 20 minutes every second day. Also 20 minutes of it before sex.
You can do the massage yourself( on him) if he is lazy. Foreplay will also build it dramatically but he is probably too lazy for that.
Even spend some time each day daydreaming about him.

Good luck.

**MarkT** · 05-11-2011 07:01 AM

I can only offer this; as oxy-moron said, more foreplay. I can't cum until after my wife does. But there are times when I just can't hold it back and she cums with me. Time for fresh sheets

For the past 12 years we have had trouble and are finally getting back to working on us again. The journey is so fantastic, the foreplay is much longer than before and the act is so much more enjoyable for both of us. It seems foreplay, which is usually kissing, makes her extremely wet and at that point she has got to have me. That's where you should be before he enters you. Just my opinion... hope it helps.

**pretzel** · 05-11-2011 07:16 AM

Not sure I can add to much of what HD has already said, but one thing I will mention, and sometimes people tend to forget, is that no matter what, people are different and the degree and time one needs to gain a satisfying sexual experience vary greatly.

One thing you mentioned in the OP is that you generally allow him to set the pace, no matter who initiates. So that only merely guarantees that he'll orgasm and if the timing's right, it'll be ok for you personally. Not great, just better than usual. There's a gap there that isn't being covered.

Your bf needs to start understanding that he'll get his when the time's right. It may take a little longer, which is ok, actually it's better, but once he understands that as you become more aroused and you start to orgasm (which probably won't happen every time) then the experience for him will also be better as you'll feel more closer and in tuned with him.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-11-2011 08:02 AM

I love the way you add your own sense of humor into your explanation of the situation.

I do think communication is key, and I know you've heard it a kazillion times so I'm gonna say switch things up a bit...non verbally. Much like HD said, you've taken on the role as HIS sexual pleaser in effort to try to keep him. Your perception of you, and his perception of you was obviously quite different. He obviously found you quite attractive, else you'd not have started dating to begin with, right? But in your mind, it must have been a fluke so "now I have to do something wonderful so he'll not REALIZE I'm not as attractive as him!". Most likely, he thinks you're quite more attractive than him.

He's been allowed to be lazy in bed. Good looks don't make up for lack of effort. I can understand your frustration, that "interrupted sneeze" is your body saying "Ohh...I like this...keep going and something great might happen!" lol....but he's stopping before you get there because he's SO out of tune with what you actually truly want. So start telling him. I don't recommend sitting down and having a heart to heart about your sex life.... for me, situations like that just make things worse. But I do recommend leading him in the right direction and telling him you WANT to have an orgasm, force him into more of a leading role. If he ignores you and continues not making an effort, then it's time to have the talk and let him know he's being a very selfish lover. Surely he won't like that.

**pretzel** · 05-11-2011 08:12 AM

I'd tend to agree with the lazy aspect also.

**WildChild** · 05-11-2011 10:26 AM

I glanced at this and it brought back memories, at one time I dated a guy who had it all. He was wealthy, intelligent, and could have easily made the list of the 10 best looking men, if they'd had that mag back then. He lived in an area loaded with "beautiful" and wealthy people, it was ridiculous at times, almost cartoonish, women would literally walk into walls not looking where they were going because they were staring at him. I knew from his best friend that he had women he would call and have them come clean his apartment, have sex with him and then he would tell them to leave - and they did it! When I was there, I wasn't allowed to touch a cleaning supply, we ate every meal out, I asked him tough questions - like so what if you have money, what are you planning to DO with your life?

He adored me. Probably because I wasn't impressed. I wouldn't be his doormat. I questioned his ideas, made him think and he shared things with me that he never shared with anyone. He wasn't a particularly good lover either. It was too easy for him, women fell all over him, he didn't have to work at it. His pride required him to do a little this and that so that his partner got something out of it but in general why did he need to? He could pick up the phone and dozen would come running.

Being good looking doesn't make someone superior to anyone else in anything but looks. Getting preferential treatment because of it can make them lazy and keep them from fulfilling their potential. Good sex, good conversation, skills in many areas, last - looks can't carry a long term relationship. You are not doing either of you any favors with your approach. Its great to learn all you can and develop as much sexual skill as you can but unless he is doing the same, its a setup for failure. I guarantee you that you cannot keep this up and be happy. At some point you will tire of trying to keep him by being an unorgasmic sex provider. if you tied together them by marriage or a child, you will both end up miserable. He will feel ripped off and betrayed that you are no longer falling all over yourself to please him sexually and you will feel used and frustrated.

Start focusing on you. Learn what will bring you to orgasm, what feels good, what brings you to shivering heights of delight. Guide him in helping get you there.