Family curse?

**Wintersky** · 05-11-2011 11:36 PM

I've been lurking in these forums since April, and this is my first post. I'll try to give a condensed version since there's a lot of information to squeeze in.

I'm 29, female, and I've never had a relationship in my entire life; casual or serious. Not for lack of men trying to flirt with me, but lack of interest on my part.

I grew up surrounded by negative or failed relationships as far back as I can remember. The number of divorces and abusive spouses on both sides of my family leaves me wondering if I'm fated to end up like them. It makes me not want to bother trying at all.

My mother's side is the most obvious. She has four older sisters, all divorced and single. All of them married men that either had a drinking problem, cheated, or took drugs. My grandfather died of a heart attack in the home of a woman he was having an affair with. My mother divorced once then remarried... and chose the same kind of man without even realizing it. A lying drug addict who ended up in rehab while she was stuck at home with a toddler and a baby.

My father's family is no better, but they hide all their problems behind a nice facade. My grandfather was a schizophrenic, so most of them grew up without one of their parents, and my grandmother was too stressed to deal with all of them equally. My father's oldest sister got pregnant at sixteen and was kicked out, forced to marry an abusive man because she had no where else to go; she was also bipolar. I have two uncles on this side; both did hard drugs at some point in their life and one was arrested for stalking. The three remaining aunts are not in happy marriages, but they stay either because of religious ideology or financial reasons.

I'm sure this all seems unreal; it'd make a perfect drama series for cable TV. I can't afford to pay for psychiatric help and there's really no one in the family I can talk to about this. My mother is the one who told me about all these things. She's ill and miserable, but since she can't work she can't leave my father. She tells me all the time that she would have been better off staying single.

There's no way to tell what a person is really like when you first meet them. It takes years, especially if they're a good at hiding it like my father was. My mother isn't stupid, neither are her sisters, and yet they all went for horrible choices in partners; just like their mother did.

Would I like to be intimate with someone? Sure.
Do I want to end up like the rest of my family? I'd rather be a spinster.

Is there even a compromise between the two options?

**spurzzz** · 05-12-2011 01:56 AM

Hello Wintersky, welcome to the forums.

Your right, that is a lot of drama! But fear not, we are here to help *superman music*

All of them married men that either had a drinking problem, cheated, or took drugs.

My mother divorced.....A lying drug addict

have two uncles on this side; both did hard drugs

Notice the trend?

abusive spouses

drinking problem, cheated

Affair

schizophrenic

forced to marry an abusive man

she was also bipolar

Notice the symptoms?

The number of divorces and abusive spouses on both sides of my family leaves me wondering if I'm fated to end up like them

There is nothing in the above text that indicates fate as the cause of all the troubles your family have had to face. I can see why you would think that, given the common denominator of fail, BUT it is important that you do not fall into this way of thinking!
If you carefully analyse everything, you will see that everyone had their own choices to make and made their own beds to lie in. Fate had nothing to do with their failed, miserable lives. A hostile environment is what you have witnessed in which nothing is meant to last. If Lions fell in love with chickens, how long do you think that love will last?

It is almost like a pattern of doom from the start, which is what you feel, but not how you think it. Not fate but more so habit and expectations. So for example, one would grow up in a hostile environment with abusive family members, drink, drugs, violence and overall dysfunctional behaviour and than try to fit in with the crowd.....because it is normal behaviour to them. They have inherited the culture that has been bestowed upon them from the start. Many would have already suffered some sort of psychological trauma before they have even reached adulthood and hence would never have stood a chance with marriage. See, someone who abuses themselves and allows their family members to abuse themselves and not feel a thing indicates a big void of that word love. If you cannot love yourself, you will not be able to love others.

There is a saying: The apple never falls far from the tree.

I would take heed from this quote and really look within for change. I think it is a blessing and you must consider it a blessing that you have not fallen into the trap of doom that your family has taken. You are gifted with the ability to acknowledge your surroundings and to ask for help. Have confidence that you are not part of that surrounding and that you are an individual who will create her own surroundings; that full of love and happiness.

Love comes from within and so does change. Do not look to blame anyone or think of a possible cause for failure.....that will lead to only one path and one path only: The one your family know only too well. Rather, learn from their mistakes and grow stronger for it. If needs be, remove yourself from the harsh surroundings and concentrate on getting yourself where you want to be. If you feel you need help, there are plenty of support groups around that are primarily designed to help people from abused homes. Plenty of self-help books out there for spiritual guidance and motivation......and of course, your always welcome to come here for help anytime you need it

Change requires effort. Put the time in and know what you want.
Wish you the very best.

**oxy-moron** · 05-12-2011 03:30 PM

Hi
Spurzzz has covered a lot of good points.
Please do not hold back from leading your life because you have seen so many before you fail.
The problem you have described shows how poor family love and support can create a new generation of problems. A self sustaining cycle.

However this can also be a guiding light on how to pick your future partner.
If you can see t how well he treats his parents and how they treat him you will have an insight into the way he will treat you. Once he has been raised in a loving household he will not mistreat you.

Also with mental health you need to be guarded yourself about falling prey to mental health issues.
Things like exercise, fish oil, and avoiding sugar and alcohol can go a long way to maintaining mental health.
Good luck- now go out and get a partner but remember to check his family life.

**CatterDay** · 05-12-2011 04:09 PM

This is just going to be short, sweet and to the point.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I'm a firm believer that you live the life you want to live. If you want to break the cycle of horrible spouses. BREAK IT! Stop putting so much thought and energy into what everyone else did wrong or else you'll never be able to focus on your life and the positive changes you can make for yourself. Live your life not your Mom's/Sisters/Etc...

Sorry if that's not more helpful, that's just what popped in my head.

**Wintersky** · 05-15-2011 04:06 PM

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate it.

Deep down I knew what the answer was, guess it just needed to be reinforced in my mind.
For years I'd accepted all my family issues as being normal; that's just how it was for everyone.
It's scary how easy it is to fall back into feeling hopeless.

**jns** · 05-15-2011 06:45 PM

A problem is that you have no good role models in your own family of what is a good relationship. Therefore you have no family members to go to with questions.

Do not give up on relationships. Get advice from friends who have good grasps on relationships. A good relationship can show you how good life can really be.

**BabyGirl** · 05-15-2011 07:32 PM

Originally Posted by jns

A problem is that you have no good role models in your own family of what is a good relationship. Therefore you have no family members to go to with questions.

Do not give up on relationships. Get advice from friends who have good grasps on relationships. A good relationship can show you how good life can really be.

Friends are ones you can Trust.

You are in the Right place ( this forum ). And there are lots of Momma's and a few Pappa's and Duzziin of Cuzzinz. Sista's and Bro"s..

If you Ask, they will Answer.
Expect the truth of their Hearts. Learn a Lil and realize you have Love here.

**secret0524** · 05-15-2011 08:32 PM

Wow! That's quite a history! TBH, within the asian world of marriage in my family, i have never seen a happy marriage, which is why I do not want to get married as I grow older. But, hey not wanting to marry isn't a bad idea long as you have the ability to support yourself and as long as you're happy with it. But when you feel you want to tie bonds, think of your family as warnings and examples. Looking at them, I'm sure you have an idea how to look through these kinds of men, and have the hindsight of whether they're your dating material or not. It's unfortunate that you do not have great role models you can look up to but you could possibly be their counterexample. When you meet your man, I'm sure you'll gain enough experience to see if he's a druggy or a cheater and I'm sure you've seen all the stages of those troublemakers to know. Use some of those instincts as your guide and be careful who you choose. But please, don't let the failures of your family be the hindrance for finding the happiness of your life. You never know, that you could prove them wrong and show that you're capable of finding your happiness.

**Wintersky** · 05-18-2011 08:45 PM

I now have some more baggage to add to the pile.

We got a call a few nights ago from an old family friend, stating that my father's younger brother had locked himself in his house with a bunch of weapons. My uncle was ranting that some woman he barely knew had to marry him or he was going to shoot her. He also said that if the police came he'd shoot himself instead of being institutionalized. He blew a hole in his ceiling with a shot gun, broke all the mirrors in his home with his fists, then handcuffed himself and went into his backyard until the police showed up.

He believes he was fighting the devil. My family is afraid he'll commit suicide like my aunt did ten years ago.

One after the other, it just keeps going.