Coping with boyfriend leaving for someone else

**lily123** · 05-16-2011 12:06 AM

I feel so stupid because I'm completely heartbroken and devastated with the fact that my boyfriend of 7 years and father to my 2 children has chosen someone else over me. The whole situation is really messed up. We have been unhappy for most of our relationship because he's abusive and controlling, but somehow I still loved him. He could never keep a steady job, he is a recovering ice addict who has relapsed 5 times within the past 5 years, and has been in and out of jail 3 times for violating probation for domestic violence.

I've done my best to support his drug recovery, help him get and keep jobs, buy him cars, clothes, and basically provided everything for him and our family since we've been together. I mostly stayed with him because I didn't have anywhere else to go (we live with is parents) but I eventually got so stressed out with everything that I wanted to move to live with my mom in the mainland (we live in Hawaii) so I could live with her while I finish school (about a year) and then I told him I would move back. We both were on good terms when I left and we were going to do a long distance relationship.

About a week after I left he stopped answering our calls- I immediately knew he relapsed. And I was right, two weeks later he finally answered my call- needless to say I was a complete wreck. Its so hard to know someone you love has relapsed and because I was so far away and because I left I felt like I created the whole problem. Anyway, I ended up finding out about his girlfriend (also a drug addict) and he was so mad that I wouldn't believe him when he said he didn't have one. This went on for about a week- us fighting about her and that I didn't believe him blah blah blah. He eventually got so mad and depressed he said he was going to kill himself, so myself and 2 kids got on the next flight out and were there the next day. I thought by coming back it would fix everything- that all he needed was to see his kids and me. Little did I know, we didn't matter.

He continued to do drugs and see his girlfriend. We were gone for 3 months and when we came back he saw his kids for about 20 mins each day for the first week we were there and then it got further apart to every other day for 30 mins or so, etc etc. He ended up going to a psyche ward because he actually tried to hang himself, when he came out he stayed clean- its been about 3 weeks since he has been out of the hospital and doing good. While he was in the hospital he told me he was sorry and he only wanted to be with me and that he loved me and I believed him. Now I'm finding out he still talks to her and is only with me for the kids and that he really wants to be with her, by the way she is still on drugs and he wants her to get clean so they can be together.

Im so confused as to why after everything I've been though with him and after everything I have done for him- through thick and thin, I have been by his side and he chooses this girl over me. I've never felt so worthless in my life. The one person I've given everything to and have bent over backwards for (besides my kids) doesn't want me- he wants the drug addict girl who doesn't have anything and lives on the streets. What is wrong? I don't understand... Even more so, I don't understand why Im so depressed about this when he has nothing to offer me.

I know I deserve better and that I don't want to be abused anymore or scared or worried about him relapsing and living my life walking on eggshells so he doesn't go crazy on me, but for some stupid reason I cant stop crying about the fact that he doesn't want me. Does this just mean Im selfish? I feel like the only reason Im sad is because he loves someone else and not me- like I want him to be begging for me and Im rejecting him. I know one day Ill be happy again but I don't understand how this can be taking such a toll on me when I'm really just losing all my problems and heartache.

**WildChild** · 05-16-2011 12:16 AM

You sound co-dependent.
Just to get a clearer picture:
How old are you?
Have ever lived on your own?
Are you employed?
How is it that you live with his parents but can afford to buy cars, clothing for him and such, but not get your own place?

Could it be that at some level you think that by caring for this loser he should be grateful and love you but if you were with a functional man who is a decent person, he would somehow find you deficient?
You have to love and value yourself before others will. People tend to treat as you expect to be treated or at least as you will accept being treated.

**jns** · 05-16-2011 12:31 AM

You have given all you can but it is not enough. He loves drugs and the drugs has led him to her as she was supportive of the drugs and that lifestyle. I doubt that both of them will get clean together and continue through life clean. He may want to help her, but it will not be enough for her either. Know this: he does not love you, only says he does when he wants something. This is not what you should be subjecting your children to, even if they are his kids. I get it, you want to fix him. But he doesn't want to be fixed by you.

Somewhere out there is someone for you who will love and take care of your kids as well as take care of you. Try not to get someone who is the similar to your bf.

**secret0524** · 05-16-2011 03:17 AM

Love doesn't always return, no matter how much one invests and gives to let it nurture. Despite what you have done for him, in attempt to lead him to a better and new path, he doesn't seem to be able to give up what he loves the most: drugs! Jns, I agree with you because the girl he is with does have common interest with him drugs and unlike you, she will allow him to live in the path that he wants to live in (his stubbornness refuses to let him give up drugs as it seems).

He doesn't seem to respect you for your great efforts to lead him into a better way of living nor does he seem to truly love you. True love would give up virtually anything to protect the family and make them live a happy life. He doesn't provide you neither of them; drugs destroy families and he betrayed you. You're not selfish and let yourself know that. The selfish person in fact is your husband; what kind of man would give up his loving wife and beautiful children for drugs and a druggy girl? I don't mean to criticize him in any way but as a father, he has responsibilities and right now he seems like he's abandoning them.

What would happen to your children (who I assume are too young to know what is going on), if you kept on letting this go on and see them understand what's going on? I think it would hurt your kids to know that and I think you should use this situation, at least to your slight advantage, by maybe using the time to refresh yourself and calm your restless emotion to clear up your head and make the right choice for you and your children. Tbh, with that kind of man, I feel that divorce is not a bad option but this option of course is up to your husband, who has to choose one between you or the druggie. Also, if he denies the fact that he doesn't believe you, reveal some of the evidence you caught on like his networking page, phone, email, etc. It would also be helpful if he seeks a psychiatrist I think drug isn't the only problem, depression or bi-polar disorder could come into play of his actions to kill himself and changing to good then a complete drug addict, etc.

**spurzzz** · 05-16-2011 03:48 AM

Im so confused as to why after everything I've been though with him and after everything I have done for him- through thick and thin, I have been by his side and he chooses this girl over me

You have to remember the effects of drugs on a person.....they are not themselves when they are taking drugs. <<<<<< remember that.
The psychological damage and reprecussions of taking heavy substance again and again is far beyond our comprehension, for those of us who do not take it at least. Behavioural problems in the severest of forms becomes apparent very early on amongst the countless other problems that come with the package.

Was he taking drugs when you first met him? If so, you need to question why on earth you had 2 children with him whilst he was on this substance or merely on "a recovery program" ------ that is a selfish act that is not fair on your children. Question yourself, why did you stay as long as you did through all the mess, it may very well be co-dependency issues as WC says or more.....seek therapy if needed.

I don't understand how this can be taking such a toll on me

Of course it would, the drama along with the ups and downs is now second nature to you whilst being associated with this man and your body has become used to the rush of it all. Now that is has all gone, you feel empty and alone, bewildered into the nothingness that seems before you. It is ironically like a drug in itself when being in a turbulent relationship such as what you have described and recovery doesn't come easy......learn about the recovery and get some outside help if needed. Plenty of self-help books about too.

People like your partner know nothing about love or feel any emotion whilst they are heavy on a substance like that, there way of thinking is very different to that of a person without the substance and so try not to view him as bad for going off with another woman but sick.....and you are all the better for it.

Concentrate on the welfare of your kids and work on getting yourself better asap.