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Thread: My "Boyfriend" is Really Really Cheap

  1. #1
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    Default My "Boyfriend" is Really Really Cheap


    I need advice ASAP!

    Okay so here's the background. I have been seeing this guy for 9 months now. He smart, funny, and has a great job downtown in finance. We have the same personality and have a great time at home or out on the town. We are technically not official. Its a long story, but basically I am coming out of a really long and messy relationship and want to stay single after six years of being w/ a guy. My new guy pal is sticking around by keeping me company and is very supportive about the whole thing.

    My dilemma is he is a tightwad w/ money and self center.

    In the beginning of the relationship I insisted on paying for things (this includes lunch, dinner, hotel rooms, and special events like movies, plays or games) for two reasons.
    1. After moving out of my exs, I lived w/ my parents and literally had no bills.
    2. I am a very giving person who likes to pay most of the time. I like that I am young independent girl who makes good money and have the $$ to pay. I also come from a large family and its sort of ingrained in me to share as much as I can. I also pay for my friends, who always return the favor.

    So before we got too serious, I was the first to whip out my debit card and pick up the tabs. He was very appreciative and thought it was quite odd that I paid, but none the less, he let me do it time and time again. I didnt realize it at first until I moved out of my parents house to my own apartment. Now, I have to pay rent, utilities, food and other expenses like cable and travel. The first time we went out after putting down 1,800 on my new place, (to a 4 star restaurant I might add) I figured he would pick up the tab. When the bill came it sat there for like 30 minutes before I picked it up. He immediately said thank you, are you sure you got it? and of course I said yes since I already picked it up. Since then Ive tracked whats been going on.
    - He doesnt pay for anything, even when he picks the place.
    - He stays over my place all the time and uses my soap, toiletries, medicine, and an insane amount of Kleenex.
    - I paid for a $ 200 V-day dinner cause his wallet was stolen and promised to pay me back and hasn't.
    - I also got him a $100 dollar camera for V-day and I got, a re-gifted candy lolly pop.
    - I always make it a point to go out of my way and buy him very luxurious gifts and he buys convenient store candy for me.
    The last straw was when he took home the remainder of his Benadryl he purchased, after using up all of mine. Im now pretty bitter about the situation and have stopped going out w/ him. When we do go out I set a budget. So instead of going to a place that is over my budget and paying for the rest, He finds a place to make sure that my cash covers the entire tab. When the bill comes, Ill make comments to him like Oh. I guess Ill pay, again. He dismisses them as if Im being caddy. I think, by nature (being a numbers guy) he doesnt see anything wrong w/ it.

    Ive tried bringing it up a few times, like how I think there is an imbalance. Hell entertain me for a few minutes and then say something like oh are you having money problems? or say that we arent together as a couple, so if you want to be more serious let me know (which i think is a cop out). He pretends like he doesnt understand my dilemma by saying What do you want from me? Do you want me to pay for myself? I thought you liked to pay? Did I do something wrong. I told him I dont mind paying for things every now and then, if he contributed in other ways, but after he pays once it goes right back to the same way.

    I dont want to loose him as a friend so, I agreed to sit down w/ him TONIGHT and explain things. I don't feel comfortable talking about it either, like asking him for me or to pay for my toiletries if he only comes over 2-3 times a week. He's also not my boyfriend, but i don't think this should matter. I feel like i'm treating him like a boyfreind and he's treating me like a friend w/ double benefits, pay for dinner and score. He also told me before we were serious that he had other friends doing the same thing that i'm doing now.

    What should I say? I dont want to seem weak or that I cant pay. But he takes that as I will pay all the time. Should I stop seeing him or be his GF? Will things change? Is this normal or is this a big red flag. Or is it that i'm just a really really giving person and he just isn't. . .

    On a side note: I'm getting really attached to him and He I. We say I love you and we are in love, but i feel like i'm open, honest and giving to him and he's not reciprocating. Although he's a very loving and passionate person, He's also very closed off about his personal life (I barely know where he works). He says this is because we aren't together and if we were he'd open up more. Am i being played for a fool?

  2. #2
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    I'm an old MCP So take my advice with that caveat. Total what you spend on "dates' with this guy and in things used at your home. Now total what "benefits' you get from your relationship with him. Is the "game" worth the candle? Are you being "used" financially- yes. Is the benefit worth the price? And since you say he "loves" you and you think you love him- is this how you wish to spend your life?
    If you have to "pay" for his company- - be sure you ae getting your money's worth.

  3. #3
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    Very well said Sahara

    Honey, here's the thing, you can not complain about him being really, really, cheap because you are giving.

    When you give, you don't expect to get back... You just give because you want to.

    Now, having said that, see the poster above, the difference here is he is using you and having a good time over it as well, surely he has some money, and so, where are the flowers? The I'll do the grocery shopping this week, or honey my shout for dinner, nada, and so you say, no more.....

    You have to be careful being a giver, because you will always find the real takers..........

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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    Triple Diamond Member (3,000+ posts & member 3 years+) Array jns's Avatar
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    It sounds like his personality is one of a taker. Don't expect him to buy flowers unless you give him enough to buy them.

    Should you get rid of him? Well yes, absolutely.

    Generosity is a trait I like and I wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who is not generous (it doesn't have to be money, it can be time or else wise).
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    This sounds very out of balance. You aren't his mother. I'm sure I'm quite a bit older than you and I can tell you that when a man feels like you are in a relationship, he will want to take care of you sometimes, or all of the time. I make sure that a man doesn't pick up the tab every time. If he won't let me buy occasionally, I'll make a special meal or treat, do a few favors.

    Some men figure out how to make a woman feel special and cared for, others need some significant prompting. Tell him he needs to bring you flowers and when he does be fully delighted and tell him thank you and you should do this again soon.

    But this one seems to have decided that you are a free ride for going out and staying in.
    Talk to him but be prepared for nothing to change and to end it. You can do better. Find someone who at least goes 50/50.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array spurzzz's Avatar
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    I have to agree with the above posters in that he seems a very selfish man by nature and that does not bode well for any other areas of a relationship if indeed there will be one. Someone who is "emotionally selfish" may not very easily change their ways unless help is recieved.

    For me, he seems very cunning and knows exactly what is going on, he is taking your good heart for a ride and being inconsiderate. I also think you need to get a grip of yourself and stop this "friends/relationship" nonsense. You have had your fun, now it is time for either a relationship or just friends.....nothing more, nothing less. Stop giving him the excuse to act like a child and have no responsibilities.

    Oh, and him not being too open is a major red flag......what has he got to hide? Why does he never have money? His traits are not so good and I can smell trouble.....tread carefully.
    I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
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    He has probably always been frugal and is most likely well off because of it.
    Tell him that from now on you want to split everything 50/50.

    He sounds like a boyfriend my sister had for years- he didn't change and I did notice hew had no shortage of money to buy toys fro himself.

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    VIP Member Array clare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spurzzz View Post
    I have to agree with the above posters in that he seems a very selfish man by nature and that does not bode well for any other areas of a relationship if indeed there will be one. Someone who is "emotionally selfish" may not very easily change their ways unless help is recieved.

    For me, he seems very cunning and knows exactly what is going on, he is taking your good heart for a ride and being inconsiderate. I also think you need to get a grip of yourself and stop this "friends/relationship" nonsense. You have had your fun, now it is time for either a relationship or just friends.....nothing more, nothing less. Stop giving him the excuse to act like a child and have no responsibilities.

    Oh, and him not being too open is a major red flag......what has he got to hide? Why does he never have money? His traits are not so good and I can smell trouble.....tread carefully.
    Agreed - firstly that it's time for an ultimatum. You tell each other you love each other, but you're not in a proper relationship? That's bizarre.

    And it sounds like he is not only taking you for a ride, but that he most likely has something to hide too.

    If I were you I'd just get rid. This relationship started out on an uneven foot because you offered to pay all the time - it will be difficult to ever change these dynamics even if he is a genuine bloke.

    And take note for the future - do not pay for everything at the beginning of a relationship - simply offer to pay your half. You may not like it but if you don't do this you may well end up in the same situation again.

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array ren_07's Avatar
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    I also got him a $100 dollar camera for V-day and I got, a re-gifted candy lolly pop
    lol as sad as this is, it made me snicker.

    I agree with the posters so far. I want to add though that I think he feels somewhat justified in you picking up the tab and whatnot bc he feels you are holding back from him emotionally (since you won't commit to a title which hurts him) and you paying/offering your home/offering sex is the appropriate way to "make up for that." It's a wrong mentality, but I could see him having that. Especially since you said he pretends he doesn't understand why you're upset and keeps saying "oh things would change if we were together." It sounds like he resents not being a couple quite a bit. A lot more than you realize.

    So if you do have a conversation about this, regardless if you already did by now, I'd actually bring up how he really feels about the title not being there. I think you need to decide if you should commit fully or not, which I know is hard with him being such a taker at the moment. But I honestly think a good bit of it is stemming from these feelings. He may feel like you're taking HIM for granted since you don't see him as a special enough person to have your heart fully. It could all just be him attacking out against these feelings.
    In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.

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