Continuous drama with the boyfriend!!

**Mes T** · 05-20-2011 08:40 PM

Ok I'd love some advice - will try to keep this short.

My boyfriend and I have only ever fought about one thing, and that's been his ex.

About a year ago I found out he was lying to me about the two of them talking (email, texts, facebook, IM, you NAME it). They were talking nearly every day at one point, which is annoying enough in and of itself, but my main issue is that he was lying to my face about it.

I confronted him, we fought, made up, and he continued talking to her pretty much the same amount.

A few months later I demanded he talk to her much less, like once a month. I don't believe in the need to stay friendly with your exs at all, but I didn't want to seem like the crazy girlfriend by coming outright and saying STOP TALKING TO HER ALTOGETHER.

Well about a month and a half ago I said exactly that, because I was sick of it. He was sending her pictures of OUR pets and I just thought it was beyond ridiculous. All this time he said he felt "obligated" to keep up this relationship with her, due to their "history" and whatnot.

Anyway we AGREED that the next time she emailed him, my boyfriend would say "hey look I don't think we need to keep in touch, have a nice life."

Well, he didn't. The first email he received after our argument, he deleted. The second email... he replied to, as usual. So basically for whatever reason he couldn't bring himself to do this.

A couple of weeks ago I sat there and forced him to write the dang email. She replied all huffy, we had a good laugh at her reaction, and that was the end of it. FINALLY. After a YEAR.

He and I share his laptop. Yesterday I accidentally came across old photos of her, including a naked one. Awesome. He says he didn't think they were still there, that he only didn't delete them because he didn't remember blah blah blah.

So today I kicked him out of the house for the weekend, at least, so I can clear my head.

Only my best friend knows of this situation and she's sick to death of it.

Advice? Forgive? Or dump?

**WildChild** · 05-20-2011 08:51 PM

Darling you know only you can decide if this is hopeless.
If the emails were just friendly not sexy or romantic, I wouldn't worry much but they were more the, "I miss you, can't live without you sort of thing, that's another story.

**Mes T** · 05-20-2011 08:57 PM

They definitely were just friendly. It's just all the dang LYING...

No, I haven't contacted her.

No, I don't have any pictures of her.

No, I didn't send her anything.

Grrrr.

I feel utterly disrespected by all the lies, ya know? Like, how could you look me in the eye and actually tell me a lie?

I've been giving him a VERY hard time since yesterday and he hasn't been trying to defend himself or anything...

I just want his ex to leave my life.

**kristalyn_04** · 05-20-2011 08:59 PM

Ah, Mes, this is tough. Let me ask this... do you have any reason to suspect that he would go outside of your relationship and do something with her? If not, if you trust him in that respect, then why does it bother you so much that he is in touch with his ex? Just trying to get some more perspective on the situation.

**caterpillar79** · 05-20-2011 09:05 PM

My dear, remember, he is not going to change. They way he is treating you now, is how he will treat you in the future if you end up marrying him.

I see all red flags. I personally could not tolerate this. Sorry, I really cannot tell you to do otherwise. However, only you can decide what to do. The mere fact that he is lying to your face means he does not care nor respect you and your feelings enough. Not a considerate man now, will never be in the future unless he makes a conscious decision to change and commit to change.

An ex is an ex for a reason. And for that same reason, it is pointless to keep the communication open if he is not wishing or hoping to get back someday or what not. Maybe I am a selfish, biatch but I do not want to share my man with any ex or any other woman other than his mom. I also cannot afford to be treated like my feelings do not matter and be like a doormat. How about you?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-20-2011 11:26 PM

Ask yourself why it bothers you if none of the emails are ever flirty, only sharing including your life, ie) pets...

It's possible to be friends with the opposite sex...

Why is it bothering you, there has to be something in the back of your mind..

I know you will say the lying

But that is just someone whom doesn't agree with your logic, and so, goes behind your back.

Yes, that's not mature, he should be able to state what I did above to you and talk about it rationally both of you, lying to me is the only think I don't tolerate... It will always have me on eggshells.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-21-2011 12:09 AM

It may have well have been an oversight that he still had a picture of her on there... for some reason though.. men are way more weird about that stuff than women. Guys always think women cling to old love letters and napkins from an important dinner (lol... i really hope no one does that) but so many guys are friggin terrible when it comes to keeping trinkets or trophies from previous relationships and the ultimate trophy from an ex seems to be 'the nakie pic'. I have no idea if they are waiting for the girl to become senator so they can sell it to the enquirer or what... but they just don't seem to let those pics go.

Thats why 20 years later some lady gets famous and wallah ex bf from 1924 has pic of her in her skivvies on his rug that he can't wait to share with the world.

I wouldn't let the pic get to you as long as 1. It wasn't in the recent browser history and 2. He deletes it now with no argument, ie agrees its rediculous to hold on to it.

I'm sure you're fuming mad, who wouldn't be? But eh, ask yourself if you love this guy (I think you do) ask yourself if you thinks he loves you (I think you do) either he's just struggling with being the 'bad guy' by disconnecting from her, or she did make an impact as a friend... but it doesn't sound like she holds any place of romance in his heart.

Recently my bf had an ex on his fb and it bugged the heck out of me, even though I know he loves me and has no interest in her. It was just the point of it that bugged me... like who in the world would want to see all their exes rants of the day, all their new pics, everything going on in their life -- why do that??

If FB didn't exsist, who in the world would call an ex and say hey, can you please send me any new picture you take... oh and tell me anytime you see a new movie, I want to know about it... if you make a new friend? Please tell me!! I would like to see their picture also!! Etc and so on... It would be unheard of to do such a thing... but having an ex on facebook does ALL of that and more.

Anyways he said he didn't want to reject her friendship, cause he didn't want to hurt her feelings... and I understood... I don't want this girl that I don't even knows feelings hurt, I have nothing against her... but at the same time, I don't need her stirring up old feelings everytime she decides to post new pictures or remince about the past etc... so I finally explained why it bothered me and he agreed that my current feelings on the situation matter way more than whether or not she gets to have a pristine collection of her exes on her facebook list.

It sounds like you tried to back off, hoping maybe he would disconnect on his own, that you tried asking... nicely (the whole once a month thing) and that he still didn't get the hint... but when you finally did dump your cards out and say how much it bothered you -- he did the right thing... and you have to respect that, despite how long it took him to get there.

Do not let her and her needy ways, or him and his nice guy ways... make you feel like you need to let go of a man you love, not if you really love him, not if your relationship is otherwise an awesome thing.

**Mes T** · 05-21-2011 01:12 AM

Thank you for your wise words guys...

CW (and Kristalyn), yes okay you caught me.

It's a little more than the lying. It's also that, despite him claiming that they're regular "friends," he never once mentioned me in ANY of his emails/messages to her. It's like I completely didn't exist. He gave me two excuses for this when I brought it up. One, that he didn't want to "share" me with others, and two that he didn't want to hurt his ex's feelings by boasting about how happy he was with me.

I believe the second reason and it makes me angry. Because he could speak to ANY of his other friends about me, about all sorts of things in his life. But not to her? So she's a "special" friend in some way, a friend that you have to be very careful with? Psssshhhhhh. May as well not be friends with her at all!

HD you're right, he DID get there in the end, and after I've had a few hours to cool down I DO believe that the pictures were an oversight, I do NOT believe he would have ever actually looked at them while in a relationship with me...

I am glad I kicked him out for the time being though. I need his ex out of our shared life and that message has to sink in to the bone, once and for all.

Ooh on a side note it's amazing how much clearer one's thoughts get after a few hours away?

Thanks for the help guys.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-21-2011 01:43 AM

I wuv you, BUT....when a current seems to want, to communicate with an ex, what is it that he is seeking? What is it that he liked, via communication because it seems that's what it is that you aren't doing?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-21-2011 01:43 AM

I wuv you, BUT....when a current seems to want, to communicate with an ex, what is it that he is seeking? What is it that he liked, via communication because it seems that's what it is that you aren't doing?

Relationships are such hard work and I'm hoping for