best friend pregnant at 18, father is a waster of a guy!

**babygirl123** · 05-31-2011 09:21 AM

Hi

my best friend has just turned 18 last week and found out a few days ago that she is pregnant. She has been with her 21 year old boyfriend for 6 months, but he is a waste of space. He doesnt have a job and doesnt even bother to look for one, loves his drink and finishes with her every time he is drunk. She says she loves him and wants to keep the baby and is basing the rest of her life on the past 6 months, and also says she can see a future with this guy which isnt going to happen, he won't be able to support her or a baby and im so worried about her. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and our relationship is totally different, more like a proper relationship than what she has, and i never let my boyfriend get between me and my friend and i feel as if since she got with him that hes been all she cares about, she's constantly with him, hardly ever makes time for me and her other friends and when she does its all she talks about and she texts him the whole time, and im worried that now they have a baby on the way we will never see her, even though I am to be the babys godmother. I know it sounds selfish but im worried that there will be no room for me in her life anymore, especially since she has 2 other friends with babies and will constantly want to be with them talking baby talk and talking about pregnancy and stuff. Also we have a holiday booked just us 2, so it means if she decides not to go then I cant go, and even if she does go she will be about 16 weeks pregnant at the time and im worried it will put a downer on the whole thing. I know it sounds selfish and im glad she's happy, and im also excited for her and cant wait to be a godmother but i just know that she's throwing her life away and scared that she is going to turn into a completely different person and im going to lose my best friend. If anybody could give me any advice i would be grateful. Thanks xx

**Little** · 05-31-2011 10:41 AM

You do sound very selfish ... and jealous.
I don't say that to insult you. I say that to get you in touch with your feelings. It's OKAY to be selfish or jealous.
What's not okay is to lash out at your friend's life choices.

She's really in love (or obsessed, depending) and she won't be the first 18yo to have a baby alone. I assume she's out of school and has a job? You have come to the precarious age when you have to decide when it's "okay" to have a baby.
(Hint: it's not your decision to make unless it's your baby!)
The last thing she needs is a friend putting down her choices. Being pregnant opens a woman up to all kinds of criticism; seems like anyone from best friend to complete stranger has an opinion and no problem expressing it.
As for her wanting to be around pregnant friends or those with kids, it's natural to want to be around those with similar experiences or interests. But she'll also want to be around those who remind her of her "normal" life - like you! That is, IF you learn to put your harsh sentiments aside.
As a final note - 16 weeks might be about the BEST time during pregnancy to go on vacation. Morning sickness will probably be gone, but she won't be big yet (first-baby bumps grow slowly!) She won't be able to drink, but from your post I assume you don't like to drink. So, what's the pregnancy going to ruin?
I'm sorry if this post sounds abrupt; I'm typing with one hand - baby's asleep on the other

In all, remember that while your sentiments are certainly valid, becoming a parent is the ULTIMATE personal decision and your friend is an adult!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-31-2011 10:57 AM

Okay, so she's pregnant at 18. Certainly not the end of the world for her. I've known lots of girls who got pregnant at 18 or younger and are living successful fulfilled lives, especially once they realized they can't sit around waiting on the "waster of a guy" that got them pregnant.

He may not stick around. It's probably to her benefit if he doesn't.

You don't want to lose her as a friend? Then stop focusing on yourself. Get used to the fact that always in your life, you may be at a different place in your life than some of your friends are. Put yourself in your friends shoes for a moment. She has a life growing inside of her, yet her best friend is more worried about whether or not she'll be able to hang out, go on vacation, after the baby is born. Her life is turned upside down at the moment. If you truly want whats best for her, then be there, be her support, be there when she's moody, be there when he kicks her to the curb, be there free of judgement because that's what friends are for.

**KMonte85** · 05-31-2011 12:22 PM

It can be tough to sit idly by and watch our dearest friends make silly decisions. Sounds like your best friend is doing just that, having a child with a man she's barely gotten the time to truly know. A man who, at least for the time being, won't be a very supportive partner or parent.

It sucks. But if it sucks watching a trainwreck and feeling helpless, imagine what it is to be right smack in the middle of the wreckage. Can you put yourself in your best friend's shoes right now? It may help you see what you need to do.

She's reaching out to her friends with kids because she needs their guidance. She's clinging to her boyfriend because she's scared and wants his support and comfort as they're in this parenthood thing together now.

But she still needs a best friend. She needs you there, unbiased, to be what you always have been to her - her best friend. Are things going to change? Yes. But that doesn't mean the friendship is over, it is just evolving (if you let it). However, If you don't think you can put your negative feelings for the situation your friend is in aside, then you should also decline being her child's God parent.

So if you intend on keeping this friendship (and it seems that's what you want to do) be there for her, be her support, be her friend, go on that vacation together and have a great time. Don't criticize, don't tell her she's throwing her life away, and don't tell her what you think about her worthless boyfriend and relationship (especially in comparison to yours). That is the antithesis of being a best friend and it isn't going to help anything. You should tell her you love her, are concerned for her, but want to be there with her every step of the way. Be that best friend that makes her laugh and smile through what is going to be a tough time for her, and start preparing to be the best dang God Mother any kid could have.

**babygirl123** · 05-31-2011 03:56 PM

thanks for your advice guys! but there was no need for the abruptness from "beautiful disaster", remember ive never been through anything like this before and dont know exactly how to word how im feeling. my friend is more than a friend shes more like a sister and im only looking out for her because shes basically giving up her life for a guy that doesnt deserve her for one minute. i know i do sound really selfish, i dont like change though and thats always been a big problem in my life, and i know things are going to change now and i will just need to deal with it. i think i was just initially in shock and it hadnt sunk in and i was just thinking of the worst of things (another thing which i do all the time, also another thing i need to stop haha) but the more ive been thinking about it, the more excited im getting

ive always loved babies and even when other friends of mine have got pregnant i havent been like this, i think its just because me and my friend have always been so close and im not used to the fact that things are going to be different. as for the boyfriend, i just worry about her, hes hurt her so much in the past, randomly calls her a , a cheat (when shes never went near another guy since they got together) and everything, and if hes like this the now then a baby could either change him for the good, or he might crack under the pressure and get worse which i couldnt see her go through. but wether he supports her or not she will still have plenty of support from me and her family and the rest of our friends, so i suppose its her choice to make. she has a job, but its minimum wage and about 1 day a week, 2 if shes lucky, and she was planning on going to college, talking about army and everything and now thats her just not able to do that for now, i just dont think shes ready for a baby but i suppose now shes just going to have to be and i will be there for her the whole way through (which i was going to be anyway, i might sound like a selfish little brat but i wouldnt not be there for her for a big thing like this, no matter how much i disagree with it, shes my friend and thats what matters) thanks

x

**BabyGirl** · 05-31-2011 06:51 PM

To babygirl123 from the Original BabyGirl. So as to not get us mixed up lol.

Welcome to the forum.
It is wonderful that you have a Best friend that is more like a Sister to you. It is understandable that you have concerns for her, her predicament, her choices that she has made recently.

The Baby, The Boyfriend and the other friends that have kids can be overwhelming to you and have you feeling that you are losing her. I have a sense you the Protective type rather than Selfish or Jealous.
You don't give your age so it's hard to tell much other than "you feel like or don't want to seem Selfish".
As others have said.. The best way to keep the closeness is to just BE THERE for her. Be there through it all.

Maybe study up on prenatal care, be her " Support " through Lamaze Classes. If able go or take her to the Well OB Check~Ups, Plan a day a week you can both go be " Expectant Mothers " and what I call Dream Shop, colors, wall papers, blankets, outfits, furniture.

You have 8 months to still be " Sisters" and show how much you will be involved as a " God Mother ", which is actually the one chosen to raise her child should she pass on. So educating yourself and her will definitely have you both Prepared for that Responsibility.

You do Not have to approve of her choices, you have the right to express your concerns in a way that you know will not be detrimental to your relationship. Chose your words carefully when you bring up concerns. put yourself in her place, How would you like a friend or Sister to let you know they feel you made a mistake ?

Beautiful Disaster ( BD) is a very Loving and Wise Woman, her advice may seem Abrupt, but it is Heartfelt, with EXPERIENCE of many things .
She like, others here, don't mince words or sugar coat them.
You ask for an opinion or Advise ..

You get it, from many different people of all ages and cultures and faiths. When I first came here, I asked for Advise and got more than I bargained for. Some things I felt were Harsh or " Wrong Thinking " and others were more Gentle.
The harsh ones made me think harder about my choices than the gentle ones.

I learned to appreciate the friends I have on here ( been here a Year plus now ). I don't always agree with their thoughts, but I listen, learn and even debate and contribute occasionally.

Please stick with us, we are here to help.
Take Good Care

B.G.

**ren_07** · 06-01-2011 08:39 PM

On one hand, I can relate. I had a friend who got married and is pregnant at 19. She has stability with her home and husband, but it has literally become all she talks about and does. It's almost unbearable to be around her bc she just wants to talk about the baby baby baby and none of us are even near that stage in our lives so it puts a riff between us. But it's kind of hard to ignore a life-changing event. Once she becomes a mom, I'm sure the friendship will become casual between my group of friends and her.

However, on the other hand, it was YOUR FRIEND'S choice to have sex, and HER relationship she's involved in. We all watch our friends stumble, but we cannot prevent them from all of life's bumps. She needs to learn these lessons of maturity for herself. If she's decided to keep the child, it's not your place to say that's the wrong decision. It's not your baby after all. You may see your life progress as "ideal" and your relationship as "standard," but people aren't always the same and there is no set pattern or plan one must follow in life. She's showing that she's interested in maintaining your friendship with a baby involved by making you the godmother. That's pretty special. When the baby is born, she's going to be pretty lonely trying to take care of him/her and I'm sure the dad will have to start working to afford the child if he chooses to stay with her at that point. She'll need you more than ever.

Try not to think so negatively. If it sucks for you, I can't imagine what's going on in her head. And if she's genuinely excited/okay with things, then let her feel that way bc it's for the best she stays positive in her situation.

I also want to add that I have several friends in long-term, stable relationships and I have not been with someone for more than a few months since high school. I find it incredibly annoying when they try and tell me how I'm living my life as a single woman is improper and not in accordance with how they would want their lives to be just because they've managed to find that perfect, special someone so soon. Their "normal" happy lives make them feel like they can cast judgment and give all this faux advice on my dating situations. Not everyone is so lucky to be in your shoes. This could happen to you, especially if you're sexually active, so don't judge her or hold grudges because you've been lucky so far to have a healthy relationship and no impending pregnancies.

**babygirl123** · 06-02-2011 10:46 AM

Hi guys

thanks again for the advice, i think my problem was that i convinced myself she was going to totally change, but yesterday we went out for the day and looked at baby clothes and stuff and i realised she's just going to be the same person and realised how excited i am now. She was talking about the child calling me auntie and how she couldnt wait to be calling me up to ask me to go with her to buy nappies and milk, and we were even talking about silly things like getting a car seat for when i pass my driving test for the baby, stupid little things but it made me realise how lucky i am to have a friend who is going through such a life changing thing and still wants me there, she also said that she wants me to be there when she has her scan to find out the babys sex, and told me about a friend of ours who told her that she WON'T be there for her, and to get rid of the baby, which made me realise she needs me more than before, i have thought of things to buy her and the baby and now the shocks gone it wouldn't surprise me if i was more excited than she is! Haha, anyway thanks for all the advice, now for any advice on what to buy my friend and the baby

! Xx

**BabyGirl** · 06-02-2011 07:39 PM

I am glad things are working out. As for the baby calling you Auntie, that's cool.

My kids all have Uncles and Aunties from the " Heart " rather than just the Blood related ones.

Now for gifts or things for the Baby, it's a bit early for actual Gifts and Supplies. Most Babies are born Fine, but some pregnancies end up terminating themselves. ( Hoping this does not happen to your best friend ).

If you want to do something now for her and the Baby, you can start a " Baby Fund" at a local Bank. That is where people can Donate or Deposit money into a Special Fund. You can set it up for short term or long term, like College education.

If you get a Short term one, just add what you can spare or want to spend, this way when the baby is born, there will be money for things that are not Given as Gifts, bought on their own or from family, like strollers or cribs, passed down.

At about 8 months along, you should throw the Baby Shower for her, letting all know what she has and what she needs Attached to the Invitation.

This way she isn't getting 3 baby bath tubs, 7 hair brush sets,16 pair of booties and one dress . Lol

The Best Gift you can give her is the Support. She will Change and sometimes seem it may confuse you, sometimes she may seem distant or frustrated. Just study up on the changes and feelings of Pregnancy, be ready to accept, help,and provide solutions.
If the father is a Deadbeat, be prepared for his anger at your loving support. If he is a loving guy and seems excited and eager to be a Daddy, let him know you are there for him also, when she has her Up's and Downs.

Good Luck Hun, Stick around and let us know whats happening, have your Best Friend join too. There are sites for her special needs too.

Oh and please Forgive me if I just call you 123, I just find it hard to call you BabyGirl or BG .. Lol , seems I'd be talking to myself, ( not like I don't already and I can say I Win Every Argument with my self ) LOL.

It may be possible for either You or I to change Nicks, so as we are not Confused and the readers aren't either. Mainly as I am almost 56, Kids are Grown and the talk of my best friend being a few weeks Preggers, she being 59,.

Also should you stay here for other reasons ( Like at WH we are the Greatest for Helping others) you and I won't be mistaken ..

*** Hint To CW, or any Other Admin ***
I'd love to change my Nickname here to Something more appropriate than Baby Girl .

**ren_07** · 06-02-2011 08:13 PM

I'm glad to hear this change of heart

You're going to be a great influence and support in her life! She's very lucky.

I think the best thing you can do is get her a giant load of diapers. You don't know how handy that's gonna come in for her. Is she has someone helping her stock up now, she'll have less worries in the future!