Would this hurt?

**BabyGirl** · 06-11-2011 07:21 AM

WC is right, it's basically the good ole Good Versus Bad list. The main difference is not everything is 100% Good or Bad.
Some things can be lived with or worked on or just not be negative enough to over power a Positive ( Point ), hence the 1/2 point system.
Though too many 1/2 points can swing the outcome, because they are " Maybe's " and you have to decide if you are willing to fix or put up with all the Maybes ..

**WildChild** · 06-11-2011 10:33 AM

People get stuck with the coulda, shoulda, woulda and the ifs, ands, ors.
We could make it work if...
If she/he would just change...
I should have ....

At some point in a relationship that isn't working we have to get really honest with ourselves as to what it really is.

Can it be revived? Only if both can agree on what they want and want to revive it. When one is fine with it and the other is miserable, there are limited choices, either the miserable one creates change to be happier, they somehow get the content one to see the value of change or they leave.

Do they both want to revive it? I know people who are not happy together, they are both good people, just not good for each other at this point in time in their lives. They stay together because a religion or some other outside internalized structure tells them they should. That is such a waste. They are lowering the world's happiness quotient to fulfill some human created control system.

Another factor, one I've gotten caught in, is the, "I blew it before and I'm going to stick it out and Make this work". What you are really doing is sticking it out and making both of you miserable.

Then there is the, "I'm not going to be the bad guy so I'm waiting for them to do the obvious and break it up". What if that's what they are doing too?

Sometimes we get lazy or distracted and need to wake up - that's fixable. Bad habits are fixable, once we recognize them. Serious problems like addiction can be addressed but again it requires recognition and then a lot of work. But when one or both are not capable of seeing what is going on, don't care or aren't willing to work on it. It's time to move on.

We are here for a purpose and not all of us are at a point that our growth and learning can be done within the context of a committed relationship with only one person. Once the relationship has served its purpose for both, not recognizing that and moving on can drive both downward and stall or hinder growth. A truly enlightened, very spiritually developed being can flourish anywhere - how many of us are there?

How often have we seen a couple mired in misery split up and all at once one or often both seem to just blossom? All at once they are out doing new things, creating, exploring and seeming really happy? I've seen this many times. Their energy wasn't bad, it was just bad together.

Sometimes we just have to face that it isn't failure, it's just time.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-11-2011 10:53 AM

I've said this numerous times and will say again that I do not understand the woman that wants to be married, and wants to be celibate... and doesn't see a problem with that. That expects that if her husband loves her, he should stifle his sex drive, go masturbate in a closet... sure, anyone can get rid of the immediate hornyness that way... but sex fills more than just an orgasm... its about feeling connected, feeling wanted, feeling desired... pleasing someone and being pleased... and you can't get all that from relieving yourself. Its a rediculous notion to think that you can decide you don't want sex anymore, expect your partner to be honky dory about it : hey we'll have more time for scrabble!!

I just don't get it. But not placing the blame on you at on pretzel in this example but I also don't understand men that marry asexual women, when they themselves are sexual. I do understand or have heard of the bait and switch where a woman 'pretends' to be sexual until they walk the aisle but I don't believe such an action is THAT widespread. I'm guessing the majority of women show their disdain for the act long before the question is popped.

I really hope for the both of you she does seek out why she has grown so asexual, or figure out what has caused that wall. But what I still don't get is why she couldn't still be enthusiastic about being sexual for YOU... even if it wasn't organically pleasurable for her. Like just because your not hungry doesn't mean you can't still sit at the table and enjoy the dinner conversation.

**rcoreyus** · 06-11-2011 11:57 PM

HD, it is possible to fall in love with someone and marry them before you realize that they are asexual. People are excellent at self-deception: "just give him/her time", "Maybe it will get better". People are often told that when someone doesn't want sex that it is a sign of other problems in the relationship, so they try to "fix" those (often nonexistent) problems. Also sometimes there is more of a sex life early in the relationship. In some cases this is intentional - a way to "catch" a mate, but in others I think low interest gradually dwindles to no interest at the novelty of the relationship wears off.

Still, once you are in a long term relationship, you need to give up a lot to leave.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-12-2011 02:23 AM

Is it possible that someone is not asexual, rather those two people know what love is, but not what "work is" in a relationship and how the effort has to be continual in order for it to continually work.

There is a book by Allan Pease, I agree with what they say. Is it any good if things laps for a year say, or more and then two people try to get it back, or is it any good for two people to have chemistry and some form of same interests but their knowledge and understanding of ensuring the marriage remains alive by keeping the dates, keeping the sex, adventure alive is a must in order for the chemisty to remain alive all be it more of a bond...

I think the problem is, we work at our work especially if it's for survival or we don't have income, a job....we have no choice but if we don't choose a job we like? Then we don't succeed anyway or we walk around un-happy all the time but at least make money.

Isn't that the same phyilosophy with a relationship? Even if one person thinks and agrees and the other doesn't or work got in the way and so the relationship took a back burner for too long, if it's not "two" working it, it can't happen...

The novelty doesn't have to wear of, it's a conscious decision to make sure that it remains alive and that is the hardest part...

CW

**Crystalblue** · 06-12-2011 09:28 AM

I didn't have any advice to add, just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. Feelings of rejection and betrayal shake the entire foundation of a relationship, trust. You wanna be able to trust that this person loves you and is going to take care of you. I hope you find the answers you need to make it through this & I'll pray for you.

**pretzel** · 06-13-2011 07:34 AM

Hey, thanks everyone.

I appreciate all the kind words and thought proviking suggestions.

I have some contemplating and some real soul searching to do. Not sure how it will take to process things, but I do know that I need to come to a resolution on my feelings.

Won't be easy.

**SaharaJim** · 06-13-2011 09:38 AM

God Bless Pretzel...and remember the only person you HAVE to live with is you.

**oxy-moron** · 06-25-2011 05:17 PM

Pretzel- have you made any progress.?

The problem I have with starting again in a relationship is the thought of getting back into the same position in five years time but with a different partner.
You could ask her if she would consider an open relationship.
If you are going to split there is not much to loose anyway. It may help her to see how serious you are about the whole thing.