Thread: Would this hurt?

I can relate to this. In my last marriage, I dealt with this. Prior to marrying sex seemed OK, but we didn't have tons of opportunity, my kids were little and he had his kiddo on weekends. After we were married, unless I initiated, there just wasn't any. When I talked to him about it, he informed me that he never thought about sex - ever, never masturbated, had no reaction to photos or porn or whatever. He told me I had to "remind" him about it. He was not concerned with this situation.

I was shocked. I couldn't understand why this man would marry me, if he didn't want sex. I'm all about connection and for me sex is a huge part of that. It's like getting an artist under exclusive contract and telling them you just want them to occasionally roll paint on your walls and only if they can prove to you that the walls really need it. He too saw nothing unusual in his complete lack of interest. In his case it was a serious health issue coupled with years of no other gender interaction.

Physically and emotionally healthy people have a desire for sex. We can blather on about all the reasons people marry and/or commit to a relationship with just one person but flat out for most, having legally (and in many cases religiously) sanctified sex with what we think is a good partner, is a primary reason. Otherwise you just have a roommate who has legal access to your personal business and whose debts and problems you are obligated to share in.

Of course this hurts, on many levels. It's a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. It essentially puts you in the position of either violating your marriage vows of sexual exclusivity or accepting involuntary celibacy. This is a control drama of major proportions. I've dealt with it several times. It's not one gender or the other, there just seem to be people who, married or not, have to be in control. It can be very passive aggressive and take the form of complete disinterest or even anxiety related to sexual activity but its all control drama. If the partner doesn't want sex, then they push for it and get very resentful, even aggressive. If their partners does want sex, then they withhold it, sometimes in seemingly indirect ways but they withhold none the less.

Think about it. If you really care for someone and are committed to a relationship with them, you will find ways to promote their happiness and your happiness being with them. In a balanced relationship both have their own interests and support each others areas of strength while encouraging growth in areas of weakness but there are also areas of shared interest and activity. In a good relationship you occasionally break out of your box to explore with your partner or to support their healthy needs. Even if your sex drives aren't quite equal you should find balance. The one with a higher drive will accept less sex than they really want and have some other outlets such as masturbation when their partner isn't available. The one with a lower drive can offer various options such as oral or hand sex or even phone sex support their partner and stay connected to their arousal. But to simply decide that your partner will have to be celibate is abusive. That is equivalent to deciding they aren't allowed to have any sunlight anymore because you don't care for the brightness.

It's one thing if your partner has gotten into some sort of kink that you really find repellent or unhealthy and they are unwilling to compromise. If you want intercourse by candle light with rose petals strewn on satin sheets and they only want oral sex and it has to be with you tied up, hanging upside down, having first been flogged, yes, you have a right to refuse to fill that roll. It's time to start dividing assets and let each of you find someone with compatible tastes or agree that you will have an open relationship.

But still, healthy people have an interest in sex. If for no other reason, she should be concerned that this reflects a problem either physically or emotionally. If she is choosing to be celibate then she needs to allow you the option of filling your needs elsewhere. She does not have the "right" to force you into celibacy.