Horrid Ex boyfriend and desperate best friend?

**thecute1331** · 06-10-2011 12:08 AM

what do i do about my friend dating my ex. I hate my ex boyfriend very much. He took sex from me when I didn't want it. He abused/ beat me. He corrupted my younger brother. He was controlling, abusive, a manipulator, a druggy, and over all a horrible un-worthy person. I in no way want him back in any way. I want him out of my life and out of sight. I have my own wonderful boyfriend currently whom I think may be my one <3 Though my friend is sooo desperate to date any guy who will say "he loves her" whether they mean it or not. I have tried telling her all the bad things up above, including how he hasn't brushed his teeth in the past 3 years. Yet she still shrugs it off because she is just doing it to have a boyfriend. He doesn't even love her. He is currently using her to try and get back into my life when i don't want him. He is a hypocrite because earlier in the year he told me and all his friends (before when we were still dating) that he hated her, she is disgusting, she is nasty, she is a , and he would never date her. He also told his friend that he is sick of her changing her style to be more like me. I WAS THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE, with no doubt at all and my friend is a down grade compaired to me. I know I should let her make her own mistakes but I have in his own writing that I'm not the only girl who he has hit! There is no way that I'm jealous. I just hate his guts and want her no where near him.
If I can't make this happen then how can I avoid them in classes. How do you people deal with such a horrid person near you that you want nothing to do with and want to freak out on for hurting you every single moment?

**caterpillar79** · 06-10-2011 07:23 AM

You've made your point to her, she shrugs it off, let her lose and have her experience it and learn from her own experience. As for you, if you can witch classes, it would be better. If not, try to tune them out I suppose and just be casual. Imagine in a workplace, we should get along with everyone civilly, professionally without necessarily liking each and everyone of your co-workers. You can possibly do that, too, no matter how challenging.

The best way to show your hatred (of him) if you cannot let go just yet, is to make improvements on yourself and show that you are happy (only if you really are). If you're not, then work on that.

**rcoreyus** · 06-10-2011 07:51 AM

I am always dismayed by women who will will accept almost anyone in order to be in a relationship - in this case with a known abuser, and if I read you right, rapist. It sounds like she doesn't dispute your description of him.

There are lots of nice men out there - why doesn't she think she can have a relationship with one of them? Some are a bit shy - she may need to get up the initiative to ask them, but why walk into a situation like this? Is there something terrible about your friend that will keep most men from wanting to date her? I doubt it - I suspect she just has low self esteem.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2011 03:32 PM

I WAS THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE, with no doubt at all and my friend is a down grade compaired to me

Honey no one is a down grade compared to anyone, we are all different that's all...

Maybe she looks up to you, you stated that he stated before,when you were dating that she was coping you, people whom themselves are down and out, in-secure, having found themselves yet, will find someone they admire and in that, copy them, you should feel proud of that. And, in my opinion, you've told her all you can about him, maybe she feels you did it, she needs to, she is walking in your shadow because maybe she admires you... Stand by her if she is your friend and be there when she falls like you did, after all you've been there.

If I can't make this happen then how can I avoid them in classes. How do you people deal with such a horrid person near you that you want nothing to do with and want to freak out on for hurting you every single moment?

Would it be true that he and she is in your classes anyway, even if she is not with him? Firstly, it would seem to me that he's doing this to spite you, it's your friend and it's working look at how you are so angry at the situation.. It's not her dating him, it's him again doing something to upset you, the fact he is able to, means that you have to shake this and not let him win... It doesn't bother you, you'll be there for her when she falls and you don't care who he is with, because you know why he's doing it, and you have better things to concentrate on, you won't let him win, you have your new boyfriend.....

This person really hurt you in all sorts of ways and if you allow what he is now doing to hurt you more he's winning.

Ignore it, but don't ignore her.... Let him see it doesn't bother you, you know what he's doing and why and let him see your happiness and let him see you are still friends with this girl no matter what, and I pretty much guarantee that 1) you will feel better, 2) you are doing the right thing by your friend by being there, 3) your new boyfriend will be happier and 4) your ex loses and eventually knowing that it's not bothering you, will ditch her ...

I also want to ask, are you getting councelling? Because this guy has really hurt you, and you need to let go of all of that so you can be happy.

CW

**thecute1331** · 06-11-2011 01:07 PM

In classes I do not let him see that he is aggrivating and upsetting me. I know well enough not to show that to him or her. I just felt this would be the right place to vent and ask for advice because it does bother me. Though I'd never let either of them know. No, I am not in councelling because I feel I don't need to it.
I'm not too willing to agree on her walking in my shadow trying to look up to me. I have told her plenty to not be with him and she was with me through mine and his relationship. it was horrible and I want her to avoid it. I know clearly she has to learn from her own experiences but this is one I feel is unneccessary. I'm not to sure if she "was" coping me at all but it seems that way because before meeting me she dressed very down and not to well I might say but then becoming my friend more and more she started to dress more like me I guess you can say. I'd never say someone was coping me but it was what many people have told me. I know he is doing it just to spite me so I shrug it off in classes but I cannot at all stand it. Neither can my boyfriend knowing he is with her. I feel the need to not bother talking to her anymore but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. I feel like she is not worth my time anymore if she is going to go be with him after hurting me. I know clearly she would stop being my friend for ANY GUY.
Many nice guys don't want to date her because she has no standards, dates to many guys, sleeps with any guy just to feel "loved". I try hard being her friend but I don't like it knowing she would leave my side any moment for any guy when I have stated I would never do that before. I'd never dump a friend for a boyfriend. I do not however agree with her going out with him after the pain he caused me yet she does not care.
I feel the need to just move on from both of them and just be with my boyfriend who seems to be the only person to care about me. He feels the same way to. He doesn't feel the need to be her friend any longer and I'm the only reason why he even communicates with her any longer.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-11-2011 02:57 PM

It is a place to vent but as for an answer? You already have it.

I see it two ways.

Superficial, being your friend for the will and need of love, not because of you, who you are and therefore, you don't need "friends" like that and secondly, sad because these people are lost are they not? Searching for love no matter where they can get it.

But true friends as well, don't put another down, they speak to them personally sure in hope that they will listen to the advice but never to another. Not even anger should draw that out, so to me, she may have been someone you felt sorry for, originally and be-friended her IDK, but it's clear that you don't really see her as a friend..So I think as I said you know the answer, distance yourself from both of them.

It's good that you are strong in nature and are able to put that pain in the past, but it's surficed again due to this situation, so whilst you feel you don't need councelling you have said it really bothers you for the pain he caused you. You need someone to talk to and you obviously have a great boyfriend and yes, you then have here, venting is good

Why do you say your boyfriend is the only person that seems to care for you? You are not close to your family? Other friends?

CW

**thecute1331** · 06-12-2011 09:19 PM

I do not bother to have other friends. I have tried it in the past and I am not bothering until I move into a different state in 3 years. I have found that every "friend" I let myself become very close to had broken my heart by dumping me for a boyfriend or stabbing me in the back I guess thats how to say it.
For family I believe only my mother cares for me. My father had molested me in the past and when my ex beat me all my brother could say was "Well it didn't happen to me." I hardly speak to my sister because she has her own family and rarely consults with anyone else.
I feel my boyfriend is the one who has cared for me the most out of anyone and I feel his love unlike others.
I never felt sad for her because she is the one who started talking to me. We became "friends" when I started dating my boyfriend because he used to be friends with her. I do of course feel sad for her now because she keeps lowering her standards if she originally had one which I do believe not.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-12-2011 11:38 PM

It sounds like your friend suffers from severely low self-esteem. Unfortunately, having a guy acting like he's into her will be hard for her to reject. She probably deep down knows he is using her.. but the temporary high of feeling like some guy might actually like her is clouding her judgement. I doubt she is doing this to hurt you, or to hurt herself.

If you've given her all the information about him and she refuses to listen there is little more you can do except to maybe distance yourself from her a bit, or tell her, and ask that she understand that while she is free to do what she wants... you can not be around her when she's with him. That he hurt you physically and its not in the interest of your safety to be near him.

That should ring a huge red flag for her. She will see its not just you being jealous, its not just you wanting to control her or your ex... but that you genuinly don't trust this guy and fear for her safety.

If she still continues to be with him... if he's as bad as you say, it will be hard for her to stay dillusional for long. Plus once he learns he can't get to you through her, that you are obliviious and not reacting... he will eventually move on from her if his only motiviation was to try to provoke a reaction from you.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-13-2011 01:10 AM

You've been through some tough times and you've grown up not unlike alot of people in a loveless home, where perhaps one person showed her love, but in her own surrounds was not able to fully be herself either and from that, you've grown...

You are a giving person but there is also anger in you, possibly even a why? But, you know what? There are a lot of takers in this world, alot and you have to remember that you are the stronger, better person and you will lead a different life a better life as a result.

She was never your friend, she was your ex-s friend, she befriended you, possibly because she'd always liked him who knows? She could have even been a FWB to him, but I'm betting she always liked him and she therefore had an agenda by befriending you...

When you can see that, at the inset, that intuition saying why is she befriending me? And seeing it, then you'll know which people are true friends and which ones arent.

You say you believe your Mother loves you and you know your boyfriend does,trust me when I say one day, you will note there will be alot more...

Also it's possible that your brother and sister weren't exactly happy themselves growing up, and so they choose to distance themselves.

Take a little heart and aim at the future..... This is your past getting in the way of your present.

CW