Thread: dating a recovering alcohlic & drug addict.

After growing up with an alcoholic father, and now seeing my alcoholic very addictive brother try to live his life in this world........I have some experience here. For starters, I found myself seeking co-dependant relationships because that's what seemed familiar to me. Correcting this behavior in myself right away was crucial.

I know what the textbooks say.....but what I say is that as long as you're relapsing, you're not recovering. Let me use a more drastic example. When you have cancer and rid of it, you are in remission for a period of time in which the doctors still give you treatments to avoid the cancer returning. If the cancer comes back, you are no longer in remission. So perhaps it's time to stop telling yourself "My boyfriend is a recovering addict" and tell yourself "My boyfriend IS an addict". Being honest with yourself is key to your own health and happiness.

People who are addicts become very selfish people. Even though deep in their hearts there is love for others, they are the only ones who truly matter to them at that time. They always have someone else to blame for their actions and their behaviors. Why ? Because then they don't have to blame themselves.

Weird funk. Those of us who have been with addicts or grown up with them know what this weird funk is. And it leaves us wondering "are they withdrawing from something??", "are they on something?" but then guilting ourselves into believing that's not the case because we don't want to falsely accuse them and set them into a downward spiral. Being with an addict IS walking on eggshells.

So for you ,this needs to become about you. You will NEVER fix an addict. He will only be recovering when he gives drugs and alcohol up totally. And there is a good chance that even if he does (and that's a big IF), you will spend your life walking on eggshells with an emotionally weak person who will look for every flaw, every wrong doing, an every opportunity to crawl into his shell of addiction again. Therefore, it will always be your fault, you'll feel that it's your fault, and you'll stay because you'll feel obligated to like it's your responsibility to help him. There must come a time for you when you realize that there are many people in this world, why settle yourself with one whom you KNOW you're going to have to go through the ringer with? Why settle yourself with one who will very likely subject his and your children to his addictions? Why settle yourself with someone who you feel like your life and your issues will ALWAYS take a back burner because he is the most important and requires all the pity and attention? Why settle yourself with a partner who is not really a PARTNER at all, but a duffle bag you carry around and take care of?

What do you want in your life? Forget about him for a moment and picture your ideal life. What is it?

I would suggest going to Alynon(sp?) meetings. They're meant for people in close relationships with addict/alcoholics. It might help you with a support system of people going through the same thing you are.

You probably love him, and this is why you want to help him. However, this relationship can ruin your life. Be careful. In the end, instead of helping him and having the relationship you desire, you may become depressed.

first off, thank you so much for taking the time to help. i totally agree with your post. you've said a lot of good points where i should look at the big picture & see what makes me happy.

thank you for responding. i have gone to a few meetings with him, but he feels like the meetings are a bore to me. i told him that they aren't, it's a part of my life now. he's just really changed since january.

thank you for responding too. i do love him very much. i'm the first caring, nurturing type of person, he has been with. not only, his first girlfriend too.

thank you for responding too. i do love him very much. i'm the first caring, nurturing type of person, he has been with. not only, his first girlfriend too.

This puts a lot of burden on you that you would not have with a non-addict. I am a firm believer that although an addict can get help and choose to live a clean life, they are always an addict. By that I mean, all it would ever take is one sip, one hit of a drug, or a trying stressful time in life to set them in a downward spiral. A true recovering addict recognizes that, and wants to be clean and stay clean so they choose to stay away. People like my brother realize he has a problem, but he's not a recovering alcoholic because he STILL thinks he can have a drink now and then. When that happens, it snowballs, and then he ends up nearly pickling his liver and spending days in bed.

You are feeling a sense of responsibility with this guy..........but you shouldn't because you truly have no control over the situation. You, your relationship and your happiness are at the mercy of his choices and that is not a good place to be. It is called, like I said about my own self, co-dependency. It's time to really take a look at your life and yourself. Based on what little you've told us, I'm afraid if things continue on, you're putting yourself on a road to disappointed, unhappiness, lies, deceit, and loneliness. And I can promise you, you deserve much more than that.

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

This puts a lot of burden on you that you would not have with a non-addict. I am a firm believer that although an addict can get help and choose to live a clean life, they are always an addict. By that I mean, all it would ever take is one sip, one hit of a drug, or a trying stressful time in life to set them in a downward spiral. A true recovering addict recognizes that, and wants to be clean and stay clean so they choose to stay away. People like my brother realize he has a problem, but he's not a recovering alcoholic because he STILL thinks he can have a drink now and then. When that happens, it snowballs, and then he ends up nearly pickling his liver and spending days in bed.

You are feeling a sense of responsibility with this guy..........but you shouldn't because you truly have no control over the situation. You, your relationship and your happiness are at the mercy of his choices and that is not a good place to be. It is called, like I said about my own self, co-dependency. It's time to really take a look at your life and yourself. Based on what little you've told us, I'm afraid if things continue on, you're putting yourself on a road to disappointed, unhappiness, lies, deceit, and loneliness. And I can promise you, you deserve much more than that.

we had a very long talk the other day. he's going to make some positive changes like going back into AA, calling his sponsor after work today, working on his steps, etc. baby steps to making it work for now. if things don't work out, we also discussed what we'll do when that time comes...