enjoying relationships with women and enjoying gay sex?

**Brawn** · 06-14-2011 05:58 AM

i 've written a thread before "Gay Boyfriend!?Do Bi exist or are homophobic gays?"
but now after some talking my bf (having tried gay sex some years before but after that had relationships with women) admitted to enjoy anal play/ intercourse( i'm ok doing these things to him), gay/bi porn movies as well as normal porn etc .however, he said that he can't imagine kissing,hugging etc with boys and he feels complete with girls. Does this mean that he is one of these gay men that hide it, have family and children and have secretly gay sex with other men?
Does these make him totally gay?Can i be sure (even though he says that he tried it, he liked it but felt bad about doing it and then decided to have relationships with girls) that he won't "search" for gay sex again?

**WildChild** · 06-14-2011 09:18 AM

If you have to label it, sounds like he is bi. He enjoys sex with women or men but intimacy and love play with women rather than men. I don't think this is unusual. My understanding is that in casual sex many men would just as soon skip any signs of affection and get straight to it, regardless of whether they are with a man or a woman. They will kiss and such with the woman because they think she expects it or needs it to be fully aroused but would see no reason to engage in that kind of foreplay with another man.

**rcoreyus** · 06-14-2011 09:29 AM

Sexual behavior and interests are very complex - trying to apply labels just over-simplifies. His enjoying anal play isn't relevant to his being gay - there are completely straight men who enjoy this. His interest in gay / bi porn probably implies an interest in men - but it depends on what he is getting out of it. Maybe he has submissive fantasies, mostly of being dominated by women, but the idea of being dominated by men is just taking that to a further extreme? Or maybe he is simply interested in gay sex.

He may be completely happy with you. Even if he is attracted to other men, that doesn't mean he will act on that attraction. I'm attracted to other women, but that doesn't mean that I cheat on my wife.

WildChild - I think a lot of men do enjoy affection and intimacy as well as sex, I know that I do. Just plain sex is fun too - but I think there are some women who enjoy that as well.

**BabyGirl** · 06-14-2011 08:24 PM

Does it matter if he calls himself Gay/ Bi/ Hetero ?

Do you Love him as he is for whom he is ?

Are you having questions about a Future with him that may be Permanent ?

What we " Think " here is irrelevant, it's what You Think, what You Need, What You can or cannot live with in this relationship.

Hoping not to seem rude or condescending . But you asking if there is a general con census among the members here , about if we think he is a certain " Sexual Type " of a man.
Seriously, we don't live with him, Date him or even Know him. So it is a bit unfair for you to ask if we can " Label him as Gay or Bi or Straight ".

Now if you have questions about certain behaviors or your feelings about his behaviors and giving a bit more detail to what he is doing, how you are feeling and how can you improve your reaction or decide if you should continue with him?

I'm sure you can get many responses, heartfelt ones from all age groups, sexes, ethnicity and even religions.

Hope you will continue to post, and hoping it will be more specific so we can try to help you.

**WildChild** · 06-15-2011 09:52 AM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

WildChild - I think a lot of men do enjoy affection and intimacy as well as sex, I know that I do. Just plain sex is fun too - but I think there are some women who enjoy that as well.

I agree.
I was referring specifically to casual sex. By that I mean, the basic one night stand or one hour stand. My understanding is that within the gay community there are some men who regularly engage in very casual encounters that may take place on a very opportunity based level in locations such as a public bathroom, or the infamous bathhouse. My guess is that there is very little playing around or displays of affection with this. Sometimes it is really fun to have sex this way - I've done it. But I understand that a lot of women won't or can't, men are far more likely to.

My point to the OP was simply that his fantasies of being with men and not wanting any displays of affection with that are probably pretty common for a bi or gay man.

**Uglytrollgirl** · 06-15-2011 10:36 AM

I'm going through something similar only my boyfriend refuses to admit to being bi.

I've found gay profiles, emails, etc setting up encounters (all of which he seems to back out of at one point or another). I'm not sure that he HAS done anything with a man, but he is certainly interested. It seems from what I have read that he has not yet had an experience with a man at all. I did not go searching for this info....it looks like he just fell asleep on the couch before turning the computer off last night.

I have to say...i'm really pissed. REALLY PISSED. We've been together for 4 years, i've admited to experimenting with girls before i met him, and yet he feels so ashamed/scared of telling me he's bi that he'd risk mine and his health by trying to screw a stranger from the internet? Had he told me this was something he was interested in, I at least would have had a choice if I wanted to be involved in his exploration of this.

I'm pretty open minded. I have freinds of all shapes, races, sexual orientations,etc. I really don't care. Earlier on, if he had expressed this to me, I would have been interested in letting him explore this if we could do it together. But now, it's just too late. Too many lies. There have been several occasions in the past where this came up, but nothing as clear as what I recently saw. I questioned him about it, and all he does is DENY DENY DENY..

I have an idea of how hard this must be from the man's point of view. But come on...the evidence is there in black and white (and color photo i might add). Time to come clean. After 4 years with someone, I think I deserve it.

**WildChild** · 06-15-2011 10:38 AM

Do get tested

**Uglytrollgirl** · 06-15-2011 10:51 AM

I have been in the past just because of my own neurosis when I got sick a while back. Everything came back clear, and so have my yearly gyno checkups. I definitely will again.

The thing that sucks the worst is that I spent the last 2 years supporting him while he was unemployed and going to school. As a result I am now burried under a mountain of debt and can't afford to leave him. No family around to stay with, they all recently moved halfway across the country.

So now I am stuck living with this jerkoff, who decided that just because he's a closeted bi, that cheating with men doesn't count.

I just found the worst of the evidence this morning before work, so i haven't had a chance to talk to him, but he knows what I saw. I'm interested as to how anyone here would handle the situation

thoughts? advice? places to hide to body after i get done with him??? (< ---obviously joking)

**rcoreyus** · 06-15-2011 11:27 AM

It is strange, but society is much more accepting of bi women than of bi men. For women to admit "experimenting" tends to add a bit of exciting naughtiness. For men to admit "experimenting" is viewed much more negatively. I think that because of this men are much less likely to admit this sort of interest than women are - and that will drive them to lie about it.

Uglytrollgirl do you think he really wants to be with other men, or is just using the internet as a fantasy mechanism? Its not uncommon for people to go to pickup sites without any interest in doing anything real.

**Uglytrollgirl** · 06-15-2011 11:46 AM

I did consider the stigma that comes with a normally straight male having bi curiosities. I realize that must be really hard for him to cope with. I'm not asking him to shout it from the rooftops. In fact this isn't something anyone needs to know about. But I feel me, as his girlfriend for the past 4 years, should know if he is having certain needs that are not met that I can't provide for him. So much so, that he feels he needs to go behind my back to cheap to fulfill them. THAT'S where i take issue. Cheating is cheating. Or at least attempting to anyway....

rcoreyus :

Thank you for responding! It's hard to say wether or not this is just an internet exploration or something he's seriously trying to pursue. He has a profile that states "discreet, safe sex only" and mentions he is in a straight relationship and that no one knows he is bi. This site is also a pay site for membership, so I find it hard to believe someone would pay just to explore rather than actually get the actual encounter this site promotes. There were also local Craigslist ads as well he appeared to be browsing.

He did have correspondence with some of these people but he backed out at the last second and created phony reasons why. So maybe he's not sure himself if he really wants to take that leap, or he could know full well that he's only in it for the fantasy. It's hard to tell. Maybe you can tell looking in from the outside.

Regardless...i can't unsee what I saw. I know he is very VERY sensitive about this, and will probably shut down completely when it's brought up. So i guess I will have to be very vague about the whole thing and non-confrontational. I jsut don't know how i can do that....