I'm at a loss...

**kristalyn_04** · 07-02-2011 05:38 PM

Some of you may remember why I came to this forum... complicated situation between me and my now former best friend who at the time I was in love with. I'll try to keep this short. If you need a refresher on the situation let me know (I'd rather avoid bringing up those old threads since I'm trying to leave that behind me).

Anyway, I can finally say that I'm over him now... it's taken a long time but I no longer have romantic feelings toward him. But I do still care about him in a close friend kind of way, and I just want us to be friends and for us both to be happy.

Over the winter and spring I built his website for him (graduation requirement for his last semester of art school), I even let him host it off of my server space. We didn't talk much, unless it had to do with his website (which was ok, I know he was busy with school so I wasn't angry). Now, he's been done with school for over 2 months, and he just went poof, gone. He hasn't contacted me at all since his website was finished, last time we even saw each other was almost a year ago. I can't help but feel like he used me to get his website done, which is strange because that is definitely not his character.

I thought everything was fine (at least he said it was last year). I really don't want to chase him down to try and get him to talk to me, but I don't want to lose this friendship either (if I haven't already). One of our mutual friends said I should take his website down, but I think that would be a mean and childish thing to do. Seems like my only options are to ask him what's going on, leave it be, or just walk away. Thoughts?

**Maximus** · 07-02-2011 06:31 PM

kris,

You said you wanted to keep his friendship even though he hasn't contacted in a year.
Sure ! Then you need to be consistent all the way and not shut down the website.
As for contacting him. I wouldn't recommend it.

Although there is silence between you, at least on your part, there is still a lot of energy involved. I have the feeling that contacting him would come from a place of being needy and somewhat resentful.

You don't need that.

Since you are walking towards a closure, then leave only positives on the way out.
Closures don't always involve being in contact with the person.
You can goodbye to him, by writing and never send the letter, for instance.
The key factor is to go through the process, and actually hold your spirit high, lovingly, care about, and no longer for.

As long as you are clear with what your final objective which is to care about him, and have affection as a friend, genuinely then you won't need to pull up your fence when he contacts you, because you would have moved on.

**WildChild** · 07-02-2011 06:36 PM

Whatever you thought his character is, if he thought of you as a friend he would treat you as one. Sounds like basically, you helped him graduate, he's done with school and done with you. Some people are that way and I think, especially men. Kind of like the guy who leaves his wife and never contacts the kids again - he sees them as a package deal.

Do you have any reason to think that he has done anything in relation to the web site since he graduated? I would email and ask when he plans to transfer his site to another server or does he want you shut it down because you cannot continue to host it for him. You gave, he took, in that sense he's still taking and you can take control and clean that bit out of your life.

Wash him out of your hair.

**kristalyn_04** · 07-02-2011 07:42 PM

Thank you both.

Max, I just haven't SEEN him in about a year. It's been about 2 months since we last talked (over AIM). But regardless, I'm just a little confused by his behavior since his exact words were "Everything's cool as far as I'm concerned. I'm not going anywhere unless you go somewhere." (referring to our conversation last year about where our friendship stands). He showed much gratitude while I was building his website, although that was the only time he contacted me, when he needed something. I have known him for nearly 4 years, this is not like him. I may be a little ticked off by this, but let me just make clear that I do not need him, for anything. I don't have feelings for him anymore, I don't NEED his friendship, I just miss it.

It sounds like you both are telling me I need to cut him off. That makes me very sad to have to do that, we were such good friends, we were once so close. I miss that. But if that's what I need to do in order to move on and not dwell on this any longer, then I guess it's time to let go.

WC... the website is there to display his animation work in order for him to get a job in his field. Whether or not he got one yet, I don't know... but regardless he needs to have it, it's a part of being a professional in that industry. Thing is, since he's hosting his site off of my server, I have full control over it. So... do I tell him that I'm done with him and give him a timeframe to move his site to his own server space? Or do I just not say or do anything?

**Texinator** · 07-02-2011 08:29 PM

Is there anything that might be happening in his life right now that could be contributing to this?

...but regardless, sadly not all friendships - even ones that were once very close - remain forever. Sometimes people come into our lives for a specific reason, and when that purpose has been fulfilled - I don't mean in the sense of one using the other, but rather of one learning a lesson through the other - they might leave again. I know it all too well.

**kristalyn_04** · 07-02-2011 09:03 PM

Thanks Tex. I do know that, I've lost touch with several childhood friends who I was very close to, and it sucks... just makes me sad that I might have to say goodbye to him. We have a few mutual friends though, which might make it difficult to cut him off completely.

To answer your question, no, not that I know of. But I can't say for sure, since we haven't been talking so idk. Only thing I can think of is he's been working a lot, and/or putting all his time and energy into his long-time messed up relationship. But even so, it's still no excuse to not make time for your friends. Whatever, I guess it's not really my concern anymore.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-03-2011 12:16 AM

I can honestly say that there are people in my life that I care DEEPLY for, close friends and family that I think of, that I mean to call and visit... and life just gets busy and I don't find the time. Usually we ALWAYS make time for the people we are in relationships with, our jobs, our folks (immediate family) but after high school it seems that friendships, even close ones take a backseat behind work/school and all of those people I just listed.

I have a good friend that has done so many nice things for me and it makes her so sad that I don't make the time for her that I should, and I KNOW THAT I should... and not only should, I actually want to... but there are only so many hours in a day and time slips away from me and I always feel so bad that by the time I find the time to spend with her, I feel guilty, and know that I'm going to hear how sucky a friend I've been the moment I call -- so the selfish part of me will put it off even further at times, til I am ready for THAT storm.

Then something comes up and I NEED her, and there she is for me, that means she's an awesome, understanding friend and I know I need to make more time for her than I do. Its just she has a little more free time than me, she doesn't work, doesn't have kids and her husband is gone a lot.. so we're coming from two different angles.

I have a cousin who is my heart and we sometimes don't speak for months, even a year has gone by before and when we do talk, its like we pick up where we left off, we never get mad at each other for not being in contact more often, because we both know how busy life gets.

I think the best thing to do when you have a friend that isn't putting forth the effort to pull even a portion of their share, is to back off and leave them be. Those that truly matter and those that we truly matter too eventually make the time, and the necessary appologies for being a bit self-absorbed at times.

**WildChild** · 07-03-2011 12:20 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I think the best thing to do when you have a friend that isn't putting forth the effort to pull even a portion of their share, is to back off and leave them be. Those that truly matter and those that we truly matter too eventually make the time, and the necessary appologies for being a bit self-absorbed at times.

This is true but she is hosting his web site and this creates a reason that there should be some communication from his side. If he is expecting her to continue to service his site, at the very least he should say boo once in a while.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-03-2011 12:26 AM

Very true WC, there is no way in the world you should expect some ongoing gift from someone and not acknowledge them whatsoever. I love my friend to do my hair... but I don't dare ask her to do it without take her to lunch a couple of times, seeing how SHE is doing and feeling... before asking for a favor. There is no way in the world I would not return her calls, all the while expecting her to pick up a comb for me the minute I call... thats rude, insensitive and USING.

Since he is having you do something for him on an ongoing basis, he should do better than he is doing in at least maintaining contact... even if its just to say sorry I've been so busy, being too busy to even SAY you're busy... is pretty inconsiderate.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-03-2011 01:19 AM

I think alot of "people" are in-considerate.

You have his AIM? And I assume it never says he is on line, you have his mobile number, his email address yes...

If he's created a new website and working maybe he's so excited and has thrown all his time into his "new" website and has "neglected" more than used...

How would you honestly know unless you shoot him an email, or a line on AIM, or a text, " so hows the website, leaving me in the lurch to guess it's going good typical male perhaps

" and see what happens.

If he is a "true" friend that you want you should be able to express your feelings and he should understand that and respect that and set things straight.... You shouldn't have to hide behind your feelings.