Friendship Falling Apart

**lizzardb63** · 07-05-2011 10:25 AM

have been friends with my friend Kari (names have been changed) for a few years. About 3 years ago she got pregnant and I was the only friend who stuck by her side throughout it all. We stopped talking for about 2 years after she had her son (she was very fixated on the guy she was with) and now they broke up. We started hanging out again recently and its been great...until she started to hang out with a co-worker of hers. This co-worker is a depressed, out of control, bad influence on her and she just can't see it. We don't live very close to each other anymore, so its not all the time we get to see each other, but she can see this other girl every day if she wants...and she does. My friend has changed drastically. She isn't as nice to me, she has a horrible attitude. I've tried talking to her about this and all, but she just doesn't get it. Soon enough, I am going to give up. I can't hang onto something that isn't real. I know she isn't being herself, she is just lonely and needs someone around 24/7 and this friend of hers keeps her company. I would have no problem with her becoming friends with someone else, but she isn't good for her. My friend Kari now sleeps with random men, drinks till the mid hours of the night (even on days she has to work the next morning) and it just isnt HER. I know people can change, but this is breaking my heart, and i feel used. I was always there for her and now she's turning her back on me. What do I do?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-05-2011 10:42 AM

It's always tough when you have to watch someone you love on a path of destruction. My first thought with her is she sounds like a girl who has some pretty bad low self esteem issues. She needs constant attention/reinforcement from someone so that she feels okay with herself. It doesn't really matter what kind of person they are, she just feels like she needs someone.

Truth is, she doesn't sound like much of a friend to you. You sound like a great friend to her. But it has to go both ways...and I'm just not seeing it. She only seems to be around when she's lonely. Yet you, being the wonderful person that you are, are worried about her well being and I'm sure the well being of her child.

She's a mother........sleeping with random guys, coming in all hours of the night, partying..... that's not going to turn out well for her or her child.

My advice is, that if you have communicated your concern to her about this situation, let her be. It's not your place to protect her. Just be prepared that when this relationship falls through (and it will) or when she gets mad at this girl for something, or lonely, she'll be calling you up. And that's a good time to say "Kari, I love you and I love your little one enough that I can't call myself your friend while I have to sit back and watch you destruct."

Don't be the one she runs to when she has no one else. Don't be the one that gets used. You have too much love to give to be used.

**lizzardb63** · 07-05-2011 11:44 AM

Thanks Beautiful Disaster. I needed to hear that. I am going to give her her space and see what happens.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-05-2011 03:04 PM

liz, BD said it beautifully

Simply put your girlfriend doesn't value herself at all... She's clingy and needs people, if only she realised the love that she can get un-conditionally is from her child, not from people that party and laugh at her jokes, whereby she "thinks" they like her or the random guy that smiles at her, of whom she then sleeps with... At some point she is going to crash really bad and I agree with BD....Don't be the fall girl again...people do change and they also come into our lives and leave our lives, nothing we can do about it, but what we can do is offer advice and then walk if it's not taken because you deserve to remain you and not ever allow negative influences to effect your life, let it effect theirs, that's their choice.

**Risch** · 07-07-2011 02:18 AM

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree a little. She may be a crappy friend to you, while you are being a good friend, but your barometer of friendship should be about you and your integrity, not what she does. I believe that although you should step back and give her space, you also should be there to catch her when she falls. Good friends aren't supposed to judge you, they must be honest enough to tell you that you're wrong, but they should be there when you fall. You don't need to carry her burdens for her, you don't need to even really "do" something to help her. But when she falls, why can't you be there?

**lizzardb63** · 07-07-2011 08:38 AM

I guess I am wondering, how much does a person have to give before it's okay to let go? Risch, it sounds to me like you're saying I should just keep giving and giving and keep getting walked on with this person and its all supposed to be okay. I still think there needs to be self respect and know when to draw the line. I am not confused one whether I am being a bad friend. I thoguht I was being a good enough friend to be honest with her on how her actions are hurting herself and those she's involved with.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-07-2011 03:05 PM

I think Risch is saying, you've said all you can and if your friend isn't listening there is nothing you can do. However, a true friend is there when a person falls and she will fall... You can not control her life, it's hers good or bad... But, you can be there (without feeling used) if and when she falls... People are whom they want to be and it's their right be it right or wrong, it's their choice and we don't judge people over choices, we don't have to associate with them if it reflects on our own lives but if we choose to call them a friend, then yes, at the end of it all, when she needs you, be there

When people have no one, they are needy, when they have someone, "friends" are forgotten..A true friend will still pick the phone up and say hi from time to time and share their lives, an acquaintance never will....

Perhaps that is what you need to decide whether she is a friend or an acquaintance, remembering that naturally if you were both single your time together would have been 10 fold to that of when there were people in your lives.

**lizzardb63** · 07-07-2011 03:10 PM

Well, I will be there for her when she falls...but I am having a hard time not having hard feelings because at this point, she isn't there for me in any aspect. Yes, we e-mail and text each other, but she will bail on me, and if she does show up, she brings this friend, and finds some reason to storm off and leave me there by myself....blaming me for something stupid like "You had your back turned to me." I said hi to her when she came and gave her a hug and asked how she was doing, but then someone else came over to say hi to me. I wasn't trying to ignore her, and I should be able to talk to other people without worrying about her getting upset with me, but that was her way of making an "excuse" to leave and storm off with her so called friend, to go do whatever she does. Later that night, she left me a voice message (by accident) and I could hear her talking with several guys about random things, even though she said she was going home to bed. I just don't get it...

**lizzardb63** · 07-07-2011 03:14 PM

I am not rude to her, i constantly remind her that I will always be there for her and will be there to listen. Why does she have to act so childish?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-07-2011 03:23 PM

Maybe she is "feeling" your dis-approval of her, through your words and then actions make her paranoid of that...so she gets upset...

Talk to her properly not the blame game, or who cares if she "lies" and doesn't go to bed, maybe she had thought that she would but her friend talked her into partying again, or she lied because she knew you wouldn't approve as you have told us about the "random" hook-ups.

You have to accept her for who she is and let her lead her life no matter what path that is...If you are embarrassed by her at parties, etc? You make an excuse not to go and keep the friendship to just the two of you, me time...But acceptance is something you have to look at, because who ever she was before, she still is "inside" she's just straying the wrong way..and it's okay for you not to want to be in that circle, it's okay for you to not like that lifestyle.... that's your choice.