Stay and not have kids- have you coped with this decision?

**Trifides** · 07-11-2011 01:52 AM

Hi all

Ok so I posted a few months ago about being in turmoil about my other half not wanting kids and me wanting them. I'm 40, so you can imagine my bio-clock is CLANGING right now. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do when 4 of my friends of the same age announced they were pregnant (what are the odds?!). It put me into a spiral. I realised I had to get off the fence. Soooo.......I've taken two weeks away from my partner (who so doesn't want any more kids -having 3 almost adult kids) to decide.

I'm halfway through this time-out and what I have realised is that I don't want to loose him. That means I'm going to have to make the gut wrenching decision not to have a child. I'm really scared right now, it's causing me sleepless nights and palpitations as I'm afraid that in years to come I'll be really upset about it.

Has anyone been through this? How have you coped? Is it possible to work with a decision that seems this big right now and live with it? I am afraid I'll be horrible to him down the line and I really don't want to do that. Like I said I do love him enough to really do this- I'm just struggling trying to work through it.

Thanks for any insights.

Trifides

ps Some of you might say enjoy his kids but TBH they have zero interest in me and if something happened to him in the future I don't think I'd see them again. I'm saying this because they have no interest in their own mother, grandparent, cousins etc and never see them.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-11-2011 02:18 AM

Trifides

It's a tough decision... I thought at 36 I wanted a child..My then fiance said we could "until" we married then he backtracked... I guess I could have deliberately tried and bad luck but something told me non-responsible with kids, and I was the bread winner then and now? Especially considering I am separated from him at 44 I am glad that I didn't.

I remember your thread and from what I remember, you so want children badly you have to consider the resentment of him as you get older and can't have them...

It will be there if you are honestly strong about having children.

And, you have to consider are you two a match really ? I mean he's not going to compromise does he with other things, can you see two souls being one with him, does he make you feel loved, really loved, can he give you the "gap" and therefore you know you made the right decision and it just wasn't your calling this time round.

People call me Mom here, quite a few and it doesn't stop there, they text, they email, they call when they need a "Mom" and I am there for them... My animals are sick, old, diabetics and I am there for them.

The love I have and all that I can give to so many people, animals to me, more than makes up for it, because had I had a child I wouldn't be able to give as much as I do give.

So, consider how you can fill that gap if you decide to do this.

**rcoreyus** · 07-11-2011 12:37 PM

Do you really know you want kids? My wife thought she did, so we became foster parents for 6 months taking care of a wonderful little girl. By the end of it we both agreed that kids were not for us and my wife in particular was VERY glad she hadn't decided to have any .

**Lorelei** · 07-11-2011 01:04 PM

I don't have any experience, but I do want to wish you good luck with whatever decision you decide upon. That has to be a very hard position to be in.

**Little** · 07-11-2011 01:38 PM

I went through this power struggle with an ex - one day he wanted 12 kids, the next none, ever. It was gut-wrenching. I wanted desperately to be a mother, not in that moment, but in the future.
I can understand him thinking that three kids are "enough." He's made his decision, and you have to make yours. Personally, my heart was completed by the birth of my son. It was a great confirmation of why I wanted children.
Do you want children because you think you're supposed to? Because you're running out of time? Or because you really want a little one (who will become a bigger one) to care for?
If you choose to continue your relationship and give up traditional parenthood, don't think you've lost every opportunity to have that kind of bond. You should take up some kind of volunteering opportunity if you can, working with programs such as Big Brother Big Sister. There are a lot of children out there whose parents can't give them all their love, time, and attention; they need an outside person to give them extra. It's no small service.