Friendship advice please :)

**Cougar1986** · 07-19-2011 01:18 AM

Hi everyone! I just joined this site in hopes of receiving a bit of advice concerning a friend's baby shower. I will start from the beginning.

Two months ago my childhood friend invited me to her baby shower (before setting the actual date) and asked me to arrange my schedule so that I could make her shower around the first week of July. I informed her that because I am a full-time graduate student taking a very in depth summer school course, I in no way knew if I would be able to make it out for her shower for the weekend because I had a huge research paper to write. I am also currently not working because I also intern, so I am living off of loans...and living very meagerly. She moved to a different state 5 years ago and lives about 6 hours driving distance away as well. She stated that it would be nice if I would make it, and I said I would try my best; however, I could not make any promises. Anyhow, a few weeks ago, I tried calling her to inform her that I was very overwhelmed with school, and needed to stay in to write my final research paper and could not take the weekend off to drive out to her shower with another friend of ours. She did not return my call. I called later that week again (before the shower), and again, no call back. Even though I do not have very much money, I bought $60 worth of gifts (wishing I could afford more) and sent them with our mutual friend to give to her. I never heard back from her. I finally emailed her (because at this point I knew she did not want to talk to me- our mutual friend informed me she was angry.) I emailed her asking if everything was okay, and she responded back saying she was not in touch because I hurt her feelings by not attending and this was the most important thing that has happened in her life. And she was upset that I attended a local wedding (in my area) the week prior to her shower...but did not make it to her shower. I informed her that the wedding was local, and I was only gone for 5 hours. In order to attend her shower, I would have had to spend all day driving on Friday to make it there Saturday, then spend all day Sunday driving back, and I just did not have the time with my final looming over my head and with the price of gas, I could just not afford it. I told her I was sorry I could not make it and wished I could...however she has not responded once again. This is a child hood friend who I don't want to lose...but I do not know what to do. This is an important time in my life as well, and my schooling is very important to me and I don't attend a lot of functions because of it, but some people get so offended. What do I do? Sorry this is so long...first ever post! Thank you everyone.

**Mes T** · 07-19-2011 02:17 AM

I take it the shower has already come and gone, as it was the first week of July? It seems like you had perfectly valid reasons not to go, and maybe your friend is just having a hard time seeing it from your perspective. How long since she's been in school, worrying about studies, worrying about money? You probably lead very different lives now...

Some people DO get very upset with us for not attending this or that party, get-together, lunch. I think it's just a risk we have to take every time we say "no." And we DO have to say "no" every now and then, otherwise we'd be spreading ourselves way too thin.

If you are childhood friends, she will probably come around eventually. Maybe you could invite her to your part of town on a "private" baby-shower, like a nice dinner or movie marathon at your place, just the two of you.

Shows you still care... and that it's simply circumstance that prevented you from making the long trek to her shower.

Just a note I've deleted your other thread, you only need the one hon.

**Cougar1986** · 07-19-2011 02:53 AM

Thanks so much for the response (and deletion of the other thread)

And you are right...we do lead very different lives. She got engaged, left community college, got married, and moved out of the state. Her life changed overnight. And she is very happy with her life (and for that I am happy for her). And my life is very different. I graduated with my Bachelor's a few years back, spent time traveling, worked full time for a few years shortly thereafter and was used to having a more lavish life and had time and money to visit friends like her. However, I decided to pursue my Master's degree full-time last year and had to change absolutely everything about my social life and spending habits. Most friends and family here at home seem to understand that though, because they physically see how little time I really have. And she never really went to college, so I don't think she understands what I am going through either.

Thank you for the private baby shower idea. I know I cannot afford the $200-300 flight to visit her, and she cannot fly or make a 6-7 hour drive out here if I invited her since she is so pregnant and probably also needs the money as well. I was thinking of possibly sending something nice out to her when the baby is born...but I don't know what?

**KMonte85** · 07-19-2011 06:44 AM

Some people just don't understand that their lives are not the center of everyone else's universe. Yes, baby showers, weddings, and birthday parties are fun and should be attended when possible, but a person should not be on the hot seat, having to prove themeselves worthy of friendship when they aren't able to attend. You had a legitimate reason for not attending and gave her plenty of notice, you sent her a lovely gift, what more does she need?

you're on a tight budget and spent a good chunk of change giving her a gift for her shower, instead of a "thank you" you were met with ill will and hurt feelings because you didn't do more. That is the height of rudeness and that (IMO) doesn't justify doing even MORE for her because she had a hissy fit! I understand she is your friend and you don't want to lose her, but you must recognize when you're being mistreated and unappeciated as well.

If I were you, I would let it go.. send her a lovely card and maybe a small gift when she has her baby, and perhaps in the future if/when she gets ahold of her ego (and you have more time and money), ask if you can get together so you can meet little Jr. if you're so inclined. But don't feel obliged to go above and beyond because what you did for her wasn't good enough in her eyes.

**Lorelei** · 07-19-2011 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

Some people just don't understand that their lives are not the center of everyone else's universe.

I have to agree. It sounds like your friend thinks the world should focus on her. Not sure if that's a normal thing, or just the excitement of being preggers, but she will eventually learn that not everything is about her. If she doesn't learn before, she will certainly learn after her child is born.

Just give it time, be a patient friend, and continue to be there for her in any way you can.

**Little** · 07-19-2011 10:15 AM

Pregnant women are filled with hormones and feelings that it are incredibly hard to control. There are days when you feel crazy, like the men in white coats should come and take you away immediately. At least, this was my experience.
That doesn't excuse how rude she was, considering you sent along gifts and made it clear from the beginning that getting there would be very difficult for you and that you, most likely, would not be able to come.
I agree with others who have told you to let it go. Revisit your friendship after she gives birth, when she can really understand what a busy life looks like

**Cougar1986** · 07-19-2011 01:18 PM

Gosh, I really cannot agree more and feel so much better knowing there are people who understand. I completely agree that people cannot expect their lives to be the center of everyone's universe. And because I could not attend a shower in another state (I'm in CA and she is in AZ), I don't feel I should be hounded for it, or considered a bad friend. I know women can feel crazy during pregnancy, but at the same time, I don't want to be treated with disrespect and not even receive a thank you when giving someone a gift. I really hope that you are all right in that maybe once she has her baby, she will come around.

I don't have a baby, but sometimes I imagine what I am going through as being similar as having a small child lol. There are days when I sleep only 3-4 hours, but instead of caring for another person, I am stuck writing papers and reading till the wee hours of the morning.

**jns** · 07-19-2011 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

Some people just don't understand that their lives are not the center of everyone else's universe.

I agree with all the other answers, but this hits it head on. Everybody has choices, she made hers, you made yours. I strongly appreciate what you are going through for your Masters and I agree that someone who didn't attempt to do the same or similar would not understand the pressure it puts you under. You can't just say "I have something personal to attend to, please delay everything for me." It would be easier to take off from work (if you were working) and go without getting paid if you had no vacation saved up.