Shallow Boyfriend

**minime** · 07-19-2011 06:55 PM

Hello everyone!

I love my boyfriend and he loves me. We are planning to move in together and get married in a few months, we both are very committed to make our relationship work. However, I think that I should consider everything about him before taking these huge steps. There is something that bothers me a lot about him, and I want your opinion about this. He thinks the looks of a woman are very important. I consider myself to be pretty and I am still young and everything is in its place, but although he considers me the same right now, he wants me to go to the gym periodically so I make it a routine and that way my body is always fit. The first year of our relationship I didn't go to the gym, now I am trying but sometimes I can't because I am in my last semesters of college, but he always pushes me to go, even if I have to study, he says I can take my study guides or books with me, so that way I do both of them at the same time. He says I should see the gym as an obligation, as if it was my job. I do not know if this is right or not. I understand that most men love their wives to look perfect but I haven't met a lot of guys that actually tell them to keep in shape as he does to me. I also asked him about pregnancy and he told me that while pregnant he will not push me, but after giving birth I should go back to the gym immediately and he will take care of the baby. He is very fit, he goes to the gym every weekday and he sees it as an obligation, he has to have time to go to the gym, otherwise he is unhappy. I don't know if this will be something that would damage our relationship in the future because I do not love the gym like he does and I am not as fit as he is. I don't know either if I should put up with it since he is great in every other aspect. Please give me some opinion.

Thank you!!!

**rcoreyus** · 07-19-2011 11:12 PM

I think my wife is beautiful because I love her, and I think a lot of men are the same way. It isn't a case that I put up with her looks, but I really do think she is gorgeous. I know that she is almost 50 and a rational eye might find flaws, but all I see is the woman I love. My only interest in her staying in shape (which she does), is so that she will be healthy and happy - it has nothing to do with appearance.

I don't think that making a lifelong commitment to someone who thinks appearance is that important is a good idea. Honestly, at 50 you are very unlikely to be as beautiful as you are now. If he loves you, that shouldn't matter.

The only case where I think appearance matters is if you want to be a "trophy wife". A young beautiful woman who marries an older wealthy man. To my mind that is basically a business proposition - she gets the lifestyle that his money can provide, he gets a beautiful woman - who he will probably trade in after a few years. As long as both understand the situation, I don't have any moral objections, but I don't think that is what you want.

**jns** · 07-19-2011 11:38 PM

Originally Posted by minime

Hello everyone!

I love my boyfriend and he loves me. We are planning to move in together and get married in a few months, we both are very committed to make our relationship work. However, I think that I should consider everything about him before taking these huge steps. There is something that bothers me a lot about him, and I want your opinion about this. He thinks the looks of a woman are very important. I consider myself to be pretty and I am still young and everything is in its place, but although he considers me the same right now, he wants me to go to the gym periodically so I make it a routine and that way my body is always fit. The first year of our relationship I didn't go to the gym, now I am trying but sometimes I can't because I am in my last semesters of college, but he always pushes me to go, even if I have to study, he says I can take my study guides or books with me, so that way I do both of them at the same time. He says I should see the gym as an obligation, as if it was my job. I do not know if this is right or not. I understand that most men love their wives to look perfect but I haven't met a lot of guys that actually tell them to keep in shape as he does to me. I also asked him about pregnancy and he told me that while pregnant he will not push me, but after giving birth I should go back to the gym immediately and he will take care of the baby. He is very fit, he goes to the gym every weekday and he sees it as an obligation, he has to have time to go to the gym, otherwise he is unhappy. I don't know if this will be something that would damage our relationship in the future because I do not love the gym like he does and I am not as fit as he is. I don't know either if I should put up with it since he is great in every other aspect. Please give me some opinion.

Thank you!!!

This makes me wonder what else he is going to require you to do in the future so you can meet his expectations. Are you requiring of him such lofty goals, also?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-20-2011 05:17 AM

minime

Does this man see your inner self, whom you are or is he superficial?

Just because he trains and goes to a gym are you a handbag?

I think you are asking yourself these questions, and rightly so because unless he loves you, for you, could not live without you, being his perfect woman as a handbag, without loving all of you is superfical.. A sigma, you must not only have the right weight (unless you are pregnant) but dress well, do your nails, make-up, hair, he will feel people will judge him, the people at his gym, you are not cool, your wife is fat....

What is his in-securities? Why must you be a model of sorts?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-20-2011 06:24 AM

I'm glad you're here and are asking for opinions on this. That shows already that in your heart you know this isn't quite right. Perhaps he's wonderful in every other way, but this is a big thing. If you love this guy and you truly believe he loves YOU (the real you, the inner you, the soul) then he needs to be made aware right now that HIS exercise regimen is his own, but that he can not make decisions for you based on your own physical fitness. It's no secret that alot of people get married and then let their physical appearances go, no exercise, eating unhealthy, slipping into comfort zone. It's not unreasonable to WANT to be physically attracted to your partner. It's not unreasonable to want your partner to be physically healthy. But it is unreasonable to try to force them into an exercise regimen that YOU see fit. It is unreasonable to think that you may marry someone who will think you're fat and lazy and unattractive if you gain 10 lbs.

He needs to stop telling you to work out. When and how you work out is 100% up to you. If you see any potential for a future with this guy at all, you need to speak up and put your foot down now.

**Seeker_Advice** · 07-20-2011 07:47 AM

A) I wouldn't move in with this, or any other guy, that thinks, feels or expresses himself in this way.

B) I certainly wouldn't marry this guy for LOTS of reasons.

Just my opinion.

**BabyGirl** · 07-20-2011 12:12 PM

First, it is good you are contemplating all of the possible issues or differences before moving in, marriage and kids.

Secondly it is also good that he is into being physically fit. Though there are extremes to everything,it is good that you also are basically fit and want to be fit. When you do get pregnant you want to be in the best of Health, so as to be able to carry the child with less stress on your body. Over weight or even unhealthy women have a harder time with Pregnancy than Healthier women.

Next comes the issue that your going to the Gym, is an Obligation. It is if that is what you chose for yourself. You are not Obliged to go to the Gym because he says so.

There is a compromise here though, you can always get a Home Gym system, even just a Stationery Bike, maybe some weights or even one of those more expensive " BowFlex" type systems. And some that fold up and go in a closet or under the bed, ( rowing types).

There's also DVD workout Videos, The WII Fitness program, and some Fitness Channel Workouts on TV. And the Good old taking a walk every day, Swimming, Yard work like mowing the lawn, are all Exercise that can help keep you fit.

The after the baby, thing is a bit much for him to expect of you. You will get plenty of exercise, doing laundry and taking care of the house, as the child grows, chasing it down to change diapers, and so on. Lol

And as I do many times in posts, I bring up the possibility of Injuries or Illnesses. He or You, how will you two handle something like that ? What if he got injured or Ill and couldn't go to the Gym daily, What if You were injured and couldn't follow His " Expectations " ?

Would you and could you both, hold on to the other, love the other, support the other, even with limitations ? The answer to that is what you should keep in mind, before committing yourselves to each other !

Like it or not, you and he will change, your bodies will change, you will grow older, we cannot all be Jack LaLanne or his Wife Elaine. Even though Jack died at the age of 96 this January, which is a testament to good Physical Health, these days it's very hard to live like that and I applaud anyone who can.

Lastly, say all goes well, things work out on this problem. you have a child or 2, think 10 years down the road, how is he going to treat your children ? Will he be Demanding, Exacting on their Health and Accomplishments in Activities ?

I understand he will probably want the Best of Health in his children and America does have a Obesity Problem, especially in kids. But How will he handle this and will it affect their Emotional Growth... say if one had Asthma or other Limits ?

Things to think about. Most of us only find the answers in Hindsight. You at least are Thinking Ahead !! Kudo's on That .

**Texinator** · 07-20-2011 01:03 PM

I'd be concerned about how important your physical appearance is to him. It's natural to want to be physically attracted to your partner, but that doesn't mean your partner has to be confined to having a certain body type.

What if you do gain weight, even without a baby? What when having a baby leaves stretchmarks? What if, for the sake of argument, you were to have an accident that altered your appearance, required a limb amputation, left you paralyzed, or anything like that? Would he stop loving you?

**oxy-moron** · 07-20-2011 03:10 PM

Hi
Doing some fitness training is obviously beneficial but should be your choice.
I think that BabyGirls compromise ideas could work for you.
Life changes things and while he is a keen Gym user now he could just as easily take up running instead or even let his own fitness go in 10 years time.

You are however going to have to question how superficial he is and how he will make ongoing life decisions based on your appearance.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-20-2011 05:48 PM

If I were you, I would do some soul-searching AND some communication with him on how he feels about your looks as far as aging goes.... Rcorey makes some really great points. I mean if you are dating a superficial guy that makes you happy thats one thing... but marriage, thats supposed to be your life partner, the one that will love you when you are at your best AND worst. If you hurt yourself and couldn't work out and gained 10 pounds, could he still love you or would he leave you? If you developed stretch marks when you have that... could he still love you. And most importantly, as you age, your looks WILL change... will he trade you in for a newer model when you can no longer meet his asthetic expectations? Date the superficial guy if you want... but marriage? Save that for the one that loves your soul, loves your heart... that way they will love you no matter what life throws at you.

Don't get me wrong I think its IMPORTANT... to keep up your appearances for yourself AND your mate, for your health and your self esteem... but being with a man that has so much riding on your appearances would not be so comforting.