My wife had emotional affair with someone but wants me back and forget what happened.

**wounded** · 07-21-2011 08:17 PM

Hi,
English is not my first language..so bear with me.

I am a man with a problem. It's my wife who, few days back, told me that he's been having emotional affairs with a man "online" for some time. it was the same man she's had online chat with, a few years ago while i was away on a long trip and she was pregnant and she felt neglected. but she thought it wasn't right thing to do.. admitted to me about that and said they aren't in touch anymore and asked me to forgive her.i did although it was hard.
Then recently we've been having some issues again. i guess she was resenting the false promises that i gave before we got married, that I will always keep her happy.but after the marriage it was always her trying to make me happy. I have been thinking she's expecting a bit more and judging me and looking at the negative side of me. anyway i never thought i mistreated her although i might have not met her expectations.
So she contacted him again and this time they revealed their identities and she expressed her love. This has been going on for a few months and I was kept in dark.
I could get a hint that something is wrong.
two weeks ago we were discussing something .we weren't fighting..but all of a sudden, she poured out how inadequate i have been.how selfish i have been..and stuffs like that.she said we would be better off if we separated.i couldn't take that. it was like a bombshell.i was devastated.she felt sorry and said we will try to work out.i promised i would change.
but days after that she always acted the same way.cold. I had a feeling that there is another man in her life.i asked her.she admitted and it was the same man! she went on to explain the course of incidences that led to meeting and falling for him.
by the way we live overseas and he's in the home country.
that was the bigger bombshell and i never ever expected that from her. we always promised to each other to be faithful and she always said that if ever she have an affair she'd let me know.that was major breach of trust.
Problem is I love her and we have a little kid.going away was on my mind but that won't do the kid good.i even thought suicide..but that would be stupid and she will have to suffer a lot.
after she admitted to the affair and saw how her news made me react, she felt guilty and asked me if i can forgive her.would i want to stay back and have the family life back.? i readily accepted it and i said i forgave her.
But i can't get over with this thing out of my head.i am always thinking of it. i was angry about the whole thing but now i am trying to make peace with my mind.

I would like to know if I had done the right thing? How can I forget this? Please give me your honest opinion and help me find peace with this. Thanks a lot in advance.

**rcoreyus** · 07-21-2011 11:35 PM

I think the first question is why she is doing this, because I think that as long as the reason remains, it will continue.

From what she said, it sounds like she feels you aren't doing enough for her. Is she being reasonable with this, or is she expecting the impossible from you? If she wants the impossible, then there is little you can do, and she will be unhappy in any future relationship. If there are things you can do - you still need to ask yourself if she is putting in the same effort for you.

Personally I think the least important thing in a relationship is blame. What matters is if a couple can be happy together. It may be satisfying to know that it was the other person's "fault" but it doesn't change the final result.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-22-2011 06:28 AM

I bet if you asked all married people here to raise their hands if their partner ALWAYS shows them the right amt of attention, ALWAYS makes them feel like most important, and NEVER leaves them alone...... you'd have no hands raised.

Marriage is hard and it sounds like your wife expected a fairy tale. There is nothing wrong with wanted to feel wanted by your spouse, that's very important. But there is definitely something wrong with going outside of your marriage when you don't get exactly what you want. It sounds to me like she is very childish.

What is it that she says you've done so wrong in the marriage?

It sounds to me like this woman is living in a fantasy world. She doesn't want what is real. What is real is: marriage, jobs, child, stress, work, compromise, etc. These online guys are a fantasy for her so that she can avoid reality. And that is very unfortunate because it sounds like at least one of you (you) truly wants this marriage to work.

Suicide is never an option. Don't even let yourself get to the point of considering it as an option. No human being on this Earth is worth taking your life for. Most especially when you have a little one looking up to you for guidance and love in life.

It sounds to me like you need to have a talk with your wife. Cheating is unacceptable and she needs to quit using your marriage as an excuse to do it. Tell her she's more than welcome to have these guys, but she will do so as a single woman, not as your wife. I'm not saying you're perfect and couldn't do things differently at times, but it sounds like she's jerking you around quite a bit and it's time to put your foot down. Getting out of a bad marriage is MUCH better for the child than to grow up in the middle of it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-22-2011 03:16 PM

Can I ask if this was an arranged marriage? It just seems that, she didn't know whom she married, doesn't know you, nor you her..

I say that because the communication really isn't there. She is offering alot of negativity, this emotional affair, this man, she probably speaks to about her life. He probably, says "if it was me, I would do this" and that then makes you in-adequate. You know what men will do to win the prize, and you know that the internet allows you to create a persona that is not that of your own.. I think you should tell her that.

You need to sit down together (not say yes I forgive) and nut out who she is and who you are and what you both would love from each other in every aspect and decide if you both can be that to each other...

When someone strays, something is missing.

**oxy-moron** · 07-22-2011 06:25 PM

Hi
To me it sounds like she may have married too young and as BD has mentioned she could be looking for a fairy tale life
If she is chatting online she could easily become infatuated with the other person. The way she revealed the whole thing to you makes it sounds like she sees you as an obstacle to her happiness. She will see the other persons good points only and ignore his faults.
This infatuation will eventually fade away as it is never sustainable but you are always going to have trust issues with her.
You both need to change your day to day behaviours to see if you can improve the relationship.

**Crystalblue** · 07-22-2011 07:16 PM

Problems in a marriage are never one sided, but what she did was destructive to y'alls happiness together. To do this repeatedly would demolish your trust and faith in her.

It's so easy to look down on yourself and wonder what's wrong with you. You mention so much about wanting to change for her, which is very giving, but if she truly wants this marriage to last, shouldn't she be doing those things, too. She should be doing everything she can to prove to you it was a huge mistake and won't happen again.

There needs to be some discussion about why she did this and what she was looking for. How is she going to keep this from happening again? What will happen if it does happen again?

Talking together about this will let her know what she has to lose and that you won't stand for that kind of disrespect. It will help prepare you to make a decision if she can't be faithful to your marriage.

I wish it was as easy to get over as just saying, "I forgive you." There's a lot of hurt feelings to work through that can't be wished away, but you can work through them. Talk about ways she can help you through, and think of ways you could help her see what she means to you.