Thread: Just so unsure

This is a long story but I will try to sum it up the best I can. Been married for 15 years. My husband was active duty air force at the time we got married. Discharged a few years ago for medical reasons. Nearly from the beginning, he has been obsessed with computer games. Would come home from work and sit at the computer all night. On the weekends, he would stay up all night on the computer and sleep all day. I have been a stay at home mom at times, other times worked part time, and now work full time. I've had to do everything around the house, run all the errands by myself, pay the bills, take care of the kids... just like he wasn't even there. He has had outbursts where he has screamed and cursed at me, pushed me a few times, been reckless in the car to scare me... He eventually went on depression meds and things were a little better but recently I found out he stopped taking them. Communication has been a serious problem. He refuses to talk to anyone about anything. He expects people to come to him and ask questions. He never volunteers information. I literally have to play 20 questions to get basic information from him. It has led to constant fighting because I don't have time for it. I need a partner in this marriage and I don't feel like I have ever had that.

A couple of months ago, there was a day we had an argument about the car. He took it to get inspected and it failed. He told me it was a certain amount to fix it and when he came home, he gave me a bill that was almost twice that amount. I was really upset because we didn't have the money for that at the time. I told him he needs communicate things to me better. He has a long history of not listening when people talk to him. I have had him take our youngest daughter to the doctor before and when I asked what the doctor said, all he would tell me is, "I don't know." Very infuriating. Well, he got mad, slammed his hands on the coffee table, yelled, "Well I guess I can't do anything right." and stormed out of the room. Next thing I know, he is on the phone with someone. Several minutes later, he says I have to go to the ER now. Not one word all day about not feeling well, in pain or anything. All of the sudden, when he gets angry, he wants to go to the ER for some unknown reason that he won't tell me. So I get in the car. He still isn't talking. I don't believe there was anything wrong so I was rather irritated. Another ploy to get sympathy. He has a history of this also. We get to the VA downtown and there is no parking. He pulls over and gets out. I said, I don't know my way around downtown at all and had no idea where to go. Plus it is not in a safe area. He got so angry with me, got in the car and said, "Just forget it." and took off. He pulled into some parking lot to turn around and he kept yelling and yelling... slamming the brakes over and over (being reckless) and at that point, I said, "Maybe when we get home you should leave." and he said, "Oh I plan to." When we got home, we fought more. He kept getting literally an inch away from my face, screaming, growling and cursing at me. He was being horrible. I kept asking him to calm down because our youngest was in the next room, screaming and crying because she was so upset naturally. He wouldn't stop. I asked if he cared what this was doing to her and he said no. I told him, then yes... you need to get out.

We left it as a trial separation at the time. He has been asking to come back home many times and getting angry that I don't want him to. He wants us to go to counseling but he still won't talk to me. He won't answer questions I have. He won't give me a promise that this behavior will stop. He says he'll try but that isn't good enough for me anymore. Both our daughters honestly hate him because he spends no time with either of them and the only time he talks to them, is to get onto them about something. My youngest (14) has Asperger's Syndrome and is beside herself upset about any chance of him coming back. He blames me for this. Just as he blames me for his being angry the day I told him to leave. He has told me this. He things counseling will fix everything. If we cannot talk, counseling isn't going to help anything. I tried having us go to counseling years back and after 2 appts, he told me his first sergeant wouldn't let him go anymore... which turned out to be a lie. So what makes me thing this time would be any different?

I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I have done things to frustrate him too... although since he won't talk to me, I don't have any idea. All he does is scream at me. But since he has been gone, we have only had 2 conversations which were mostly yelling and blaming on both sides. I cannot talk in a civil manner about anything that is wrong. So he texts me. He sent me a text today saying... and I quote... "So... have you come to a decision yet or do you need more time?"

I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't have him back when we haven't even been able to calmly talk. Texting doesn't count for anything. And like I said... trying to fix things isn't good enough anymore. Either things change right now or I can't handle it. And what about my 14 year old? I know I can't let her run the household but she is so seriously upset at the thought of him coming back. It took me hours to calm her down the other day. She's starting high school in a few weeks and I'm worried about all the stress on her. How do I handle that? If he comes back, it may just push her over the edge.

If I tell him I don't want him back, it is going to cause me major financial problems. He doesn't work and gets a partial disability check. Less than $500 a month but it helps pay the rent. Without it, I don't know what I'm going to do. My oldest (23) and I work full time (at the same company) and she helps pay for everything but it may still not be enough. I will likely qualify for food stamps but I always feel so horrible about using aid like that because I feel like I'm taking away from someone else that might need it even more.

I feel so indecisive. I know a decision has to be made. Should I tell him to go ahead and come home and "try" or should I just wash my hands of it all? I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm sorry if I'm babbling... I'm so frustrated and so upset about this whole thing.

I read your post a couple of times just to make sure before I commented.
Here are some things I found that I feel I can comment on, I hope with some Logic.

#1) Nowhere in your post did I see anything about LOVE. Not even a " We were happy at First ", No " I miss the Old Loving Gentle Man I married ".

#2) He has been Violent to you, not only physically with the Shoving, but Emotionally with the Yelling and the Ignoring you in the beginning and playing games instead of sharing household duties. The Terrorizing you with the Car indecent and his Temper.

#3) Nowhere in your post have you said anything Positive about him. No " he's a Good Guy or Father except for this * Fill in issue " Not even a " He's supportive and when in a Good Mood helpful or fun to be around"

4) It is Time you put Yourself and your Children FIRST !! They don't want him Back Home, You also don't want him Back home. Don't let Him Guilt you into letting him Abuse you and the Girls again ! Not over the fact that things are rough financially right now .

It is nothing to be Ashamed about having to get food stamps to help feed yourself and kids. You don't eat, you get sick and unable to work at all, Your kids don't eat, they get sick and possibly taken away from you because you are neglecting them by not sustaining their Nutritional needs.

To make this " shame " easier on you, if you have worked and Paid taxes, you have helped feed other people, you have pitched in money to the food stamp program. Therefore you are not Mooching, you are just using your " Food Stamp Social Security/ Savings account " that you have paid into all these Years.

If it were me, I would Divorce ASAP, Get Food Stamps, any Medical that is offered ( if Applicable ) If hubby is still getting money from the Military, see about Child Support Benefits that may come from his Military Pension ( if Applicable ) and get on with my Life, Raising my kids in a Non Violent ,Safe and Happy home.

But that is Just me and it is learned from being Homeless with 3 kids,no work and desperate. Now 10 years later I am Again, paying taxes into the Food Stamp program, Taxes for others Free Medical , even though I have no medical myself.

I also donate to homeless shelters, foster kids, food banks, clothing banks, Thrift stores like Salvation Army and Goodwill and Churches. Because I had benefited from them, when I needed Help. When I can, Not much but if I have extra. These are places you can also Utilize, just like I had to. There is No Shame in asking for help when needed. The shame only comes if You Abuse it.