considering the "other woman"

**everythingintime** · 07-24-2011 01:26 AM

Perhaps i should share a bit about myself and my personal social styleings first. I believe myself to be greedy these days. Greedy not in the sense of others, but rather in myself and my own timely needs. I silently withold judgement and make the effort to understand rather than react, sometimes unsuccesfully, other times to the success of others walking over me, and well when it works it really works well. I have recintly become increasingly concerned with my lack of productivity. being aware of where it (productivity) is exactly where it brews and dwells and what makes it thrive, pushes me forward to a potentially uncertain existence. I plan to "meditate" on this if you will, and consider or allow time to help guide me in my next step.
Truth be told and this is why I'm writing, I am considering the welcomed entrance of another woman into my closed relationship. I find myself unable or unwilling to fulfill my boyfriends sexual needs on a regular basis, this has been ongoing for the year and change we've been together. i find myself increasingly uninterested in doing much of anything actually. I've found myself in a non productive rut and it would appear as if im taking him with me. the predictability and comfort factors are so incredibly through the roof that ive gained weight, i haven't created anything of value in months, and my existence seems hinged on when he arrives home. These conditions hardly seem like an environment that a relationship that i desire can thrive in. However if its not one thing, its another when it comes to relationships. And for this particular issue there are "professionals" out there specializing in the purely sexual department. My only issue in a most practical form would be locating a professional capable of separating herself from mixing business with pleasure beyond its necessary bounds. a task quite confusing for most i would assume even for my fellow, and love happens, it comes in many different forms.
Granted the emotional torment is something i am unsure about. i can hardly imagine my fellow gallivanting around with someone else during the time he could spend with me. and im likely blocking the emotional connection that is tied to mental images of him physically-sexually being with someone else. is it really fair for me though to be keeping this sexual beast of a fellow chained up for the time when i feel its right? it hardly seems fair to use so much energy to explain myself as to why i dont want to, especially when there is no straight answer.
it all sounds so stupid written down, and it can't possibly work, i can see my future self screaming NOOO! and i have to wonder about and eventually accept the part of myself that is so willing to risk this ideal relationship for a glimmer of what i perceive to be self-fulfillment. However coming home to what i found this afternoon has started an inner debate and i cant get it out of my head.
I came home to my laptop with tabs open, and par-usual after my fellow uses it he doesn't clear the tabs, he leaves them open i assume on accident and i end up closing out his daily internet activities. this one tab,instead of being his email account or his social network account was a tab for well... it was a XXXdating site. i was suprised. and i said to myself "well im not really suprised". im not sure if he has an account or if he was kicking around the idea. but it was there and ive concluded that its best to accept whats potentially going on, especially if i dont know for a fact what is. im not hurt yet and i plan to keep cool and overall composed about this whole thing, when i plan to stay level headed i generally do. he isnt one to cheat either so there could also be artier motives, he could be hinting at something, he could even be trying to get a competitive rise from me, or he could just be covering his exploration tracks poorly. i dont know. i have not brought it up. i dont plan to for a few days. I did some investigation "created my own account" to see what it was all about. there were options to chat, meet up in person, webcam what have yous, things of that nature.
I have to say that i most certainly had this kind of thing coming. and I'm finding myself leaning towards an acceptance of what makes us both happy.
i am happy with minimal conversation and contact, he likes me for who i am yet deserves a bit more too, he is a good man who does his best. im 21 years old, and some may chalk this up to stupidity, some might say right on, everyone is entitled to their personal opinions so i would have to ask the vulgarity to be kept to a minimum. He talks of marrying me so what we have is serious. we get over other issues, except we cant really side step this one. if i perceive myself to be so different why should i have to react in the conditioned manor to an "affair"?
im sure my co workers will be entertained at the least to learn of my newest relationship development as they like to tease me for my deceiving demeanor, warm and welcoming on the out, cold and hardened on the inside. what can i say i have to function in this world somehow and perhaps its just a bit topsyturvey compared to others. perhaps i misled my fellow in the beginning, i go through so many phases that my entire identity seems to be a hodgepodge of everyone else. i suppose ill add to this as time goes on... thank you for letting me talk at the world.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-24-2011 03:30 AM

I believe myself to be greedy these days. Greedy not in the sense of others, but rather in myself and my own timely needs.

This is a very, very deep thread one where you are soul searching I believe but also finding ways to keep your man and ones that you know you wouldn't accept. The idea of marriage appears to really make you feel good, safe even, but this is deeper than that.

Your above statements. You are not greedy to want... It is not greedy rather giving and maybe too much to not judge and understand and "give in" to someone else's desires, needs, wants are you not your own person? Should you not feel the need to want?

I silently withold judgement and make the effort to understand rather than react, sometimes unsuccesfully, other times to the success of others walking over me,

Your above statements. You are not greedy to want... It is not greedy rather giving and maybe too much to not judge and understand and "give in" to someone else's desires, needs, wants are you not your own person? Should you not feel the need to want?

I am considering the welcomed entrance of another woman into my closed relationship.

(productivity) is exactly where it brews and dwells and what makes it thrive, pushes me forward to a potentially uncertain existence.

You have to evaluate your relationship...Just because the word marriage comes into play you are young ,21, you don't feel sexual towards him but you feel you need him, you feel you have to be with him and so enters another woman whom you will not accept, not allow at the end of the day, and he hasn't asked you, rather he too is wondering what relationships are all about, he has no sex life and he is looking...Why does he have no sex life, why do you feel that you are not attracted and later here, you suggest he would sleep with a sex therapist fall in love, writing like a perfect on-going saga really ... but in any event, he is on a dating site, if he is un-happy, he can find somewhere anywhere.

find myself increasingly uninterested in doing much of anything actually. I've found myself in a non productive rut and it would appear as if im taking him with me.

So what do you do, what is your life.

there are "professionals" out there specializing in the purely sexual department. My only issue in a most practical form would be locating a professional capable of separating herself from mixing business with pleasure beyond its necessary bounds. a task quite confusing for most i would assume even for my fellow, and love happens, it comes in many different forms.

See above.

I came home to my laptop with tabs open, and par-usual after my fellow uses it he doesn't clear the tabs, he leaves them open i assume on accident and i end up closing out his daily internet activities. this one tab,instead of being his email account or his social network account was a tab for well... it was a XXXdating site.

is it really fair for me though to be keeping this sexual beast of a fellow chained up for the time when i feel its right? it hardly seems fair to use so much energy to explain myself as to why i dont want to, especially when there is no straight answer.

Why is there no straight answer why do you not want sex with him.

it all sounds so stupid written down, and it can't possibly work, i can see my future self screaming NOOO! and i have to wonder about and eventually accept the part of myself that is so willing to risk this ideal relationship for a glimmer of what i perceive to be self-fulfillment. However coming home to what i found this afternoon has started an inner debate and i cant get it out of my head.

Either you are not feeling the love or you are not giving the love and it is you that has to work that out, he doesn't need a sex therapist that part confused me, novel like but in-correct so to speak, he is not the one with the problem, it is you that can not seem to want to be intimate do you know why?

instead of being his email account or his social network account was a tab for well... it was a XXXdating site.

He talks of marrying me so what we have is serious. we get over other issues, except we cant really side step this one. if i perceive myself to be so different why should i have to react in the conditioned manor to an "affair"?

Talk is talk if he is viewing dating sites, what else do you two have that makes that love other than sex that makes you see that it's only sex he needs, otherwise he is in love. And that is possible

**jns** · 07-24-2011 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by everythingintime

Perhaps i should share a bit about myself and my personal social styleings first. I believe myself to be greedy these days. Greedy not in the sense of others, but rather in myself and my own timely needs. I silently withold judgement and make the effort to understand rather than react, sometimes unsuccesfully, other times to the success of others walking over me, and well when it works it really works well. I have recintly become increasingly concerned with my lack of productivity. being aware of where it (productivity) is exactly where it brews and dwells and what makes it thrive, pushes me forward to a potentially uncertain existence. I plan to "meditate" on this if you will, and consider or allow time to help guide me in my next step.
Truth be told and this is why I'm writing, I am considering the welcomed entrance of another woman into my closed relationship. I find myself unable or unwilling to fulfill my boyfriends sexual needs on a regular basis, this has been ongoing for the year and change we've been together. i find myself increasingly uninterested in doing much of anything actually. I've found myself in a non productive rut and it would appear as if im taking him with me. the predictability and comfort factors are so incredibly through the roof that ive gained weight, i haven't created anything of value in months, and my existence seems hinged on when he arrives home. These conditions hardly seem like an environment that a relationship that i desire can thrive in. However if its not one thing, its another when it comes to relationships. And for this particular issue there are "professionals" out there specializing in the purely sexual department. My only issue in a most practical form would be locating a professional capable of separating herself from mixing business with pleasure beyond its necessary bounds. a task quite confusing for most i would assume even for my fellow, and love happens, it comes in many different forms.
Granted the emotional torment is something i am unsure about. i can hardly imagine my fellow gallivanting around with someone else during the time he could spend with me. and im likely blocking the emotional connection that is tied to mental images of him physically-sexually being with someone else. is it really fair for me though to be keeping this sexual beast of a fellow chained up for the time when i feel its right? it hardly seems fair to use so much energy to explain myself as to why i dont want to, especially when there is no straight answer.
it all sounds so stupid written down, and it can't possibly work, i can see my future self screaming NOOO! and i have to wonder about and eventually accept the part of myself that is so willing to risk this ideal relationship for a glimmer of what i perceive to be self-fulfillment. However coming home to what i found this afternoon has started an inner debate and i cant get it out of my head.
I came home to my laptop with tabs open, and par-usual after my fellow uses it he doesn't clear the tabs, he leaves them open i assume on accident and i end up closing out his daily internet activities. this one tab,instead of being his email account or his social network account was a tab for well... it was a XXXdating site. i was suprised. and i said to myself "well im not really suprised". im not sure if he has an account or if he was kicking around the idea. but it was there and ive concluded that its best to accept whats potentially going on, especially if i dont know for a fact what is. im not hurt yet and i plan to keep cool and overall composed about this whole thing, when i plan to stay level headed i generally do. he isnt one to cheat either so there could also be artier motives, he could be hinting at something, he could even be trying to get a competitive rise from me, or he could just be covering his exploration tracks poorly. i dont know. i have not brought it up. i dont plan to for a few days. I did some investigation "created my own account" to see what it was all about. there were options to chat, meet up in person, webcam what have yous, things of that nature.
I have to say that i most certainly had this kind of thing coming. and I'm finding myself leaning towards an acceptance of what makes us both happy.
i am happy with minimal conversation and contact, he likes me for who i am yet deserves a bit more too, he is a good man who does his best. im 21 years old, and some may chalk this up to stupidity, some might say right on, everyone is entitled to their personal opinions so i would have to ask the vulgarity to be kept to a minimum. He talks of marrying me so what we have is serious. we get over other issues, except we cant really side step this one. if i perceive myself to be so different why should i have to react in the conditioned manor to an "affair"?
im sure my co workers will be entertained at the least to learn of my newest relationship development as they like to tease me for my deceiving demeanor, warm and welcoming on the out, cold and hardened on the inside. what can i say i have to function in this world somehow and perhaps its just a bit topsyturvey compared to others. perhaps i misled my fellow in the beginning, i go through so many phases that my entire identity seems to be a hodgepodge of everyone else. i suppose ill add to this as time goes on... thank you for letting me talk at the world.

It sounds like you want an open relationship for your bf, yet you want it to be devoid of emotion, rather having it only mechanical. That sounds a little bit controlling. Further you have said nothing about your bf going along with your plans. I think most open relationships take people of maturity that understand their roles in such relationships. I am not convinced that you and your bf are there yet.

Do you have relationships easily? Can you sustain them?

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-24-2011 09:41 AM

Oh everything. I think your self-esteem is in shreads right now and if you head down one of the paths your considering you will be selling yourself so short, selling your relationship short... it almost reads massochistic. I hope you listen to your future self that is screaming NOOO to you. Some people are built for this type of situation, and others... that have to numb their natural emotions to it, have to focus on not feeling in order to detach enough to not go bananas over the idea... are not built for it. But that sort of detachment is not one you can pick and chose what you disconnect from, you'd make yourself cold, eventually to the point where you don't care about your man at all, so of course him being with someone else won't hurt. But when the feelings are that lost, whats the point anyway?

I hope that you consider working on yourself first, because you will need a good strong YOU whether you stay in this relationship as it is, change the nature of it, or move on entirely. If you feel bad about your weight gain, grab it by the horns, take the necessary steps to make you feel healthier happier and better about yourself.

Don't wallow in the self pity of, yeah he deserves this or that, he deserves to release his sexual beast. He deserves you, the you he fell in love with... if you have become someone else work on trying to understand why you have, and what you need to get back to where you were when you two fell in love.