frustrated with dating

**bob_smith** · 07-24-2011 07:53 PM

I'm really burned out and frustrated with dating. I mostly do online dating, but real dating is just as bad. Let's start with online dating. A long time ago I set up a fake online profile of a woman to find out what quality of men there was out there. Most of the guys didn't read the profile, and I don't think any of them were real serious, just looking for flings. I am dead serious and yet I still have a terrible time getting dates. I state up front that I am serious about marriage and that I'm only interested in marriage. (I'm 34 years old). I've thought long and hard about whether or not that is scaring women away. I asked my mom and she didn't think it was a problem. However, I have a feeling that my mom being 62 maybe she doesn't understand women these days. I kind of have the feeling that all my complaints regarding women, the same thing applies to men, but they are worse. I know for a fact that men rarely go into a relationship looking for marriage, they just sort of stumble onto it, after they unwittingly fall in love or think they've fallen in love. So I have a feeling that women knowing this have sort of gotten use to the way men are, and they just don't allow themselves to think about marriage because they know if they do, they'll just end up frustrated and angry since it's so hard to get a guy to commit.

Here are my basic complaints: I'd really like to know what is going through the minds of these women when they don't write back to me. One women wrote me and said that perhaps women are intimidated by me because I speak 11 languages and have read all these super difficult books, but I find that hard to believe. I would much rather be with a guy (if I were a woman) that seems super smart, than be with an obvious playboy. Then, when I actually do get a woman who is interested we almost never get to the first date. 4 out of 5 times they back out for unknown reasons. It's like they're scared, don't know what they're doing and don't know what they want. I do know from experience that you sometimes have to really chase after a woman, and really call her a lot before she finally gets it into her head that it's a good idea, but you just can't do that with online dating, because the woman has never met you in real life.

As for real dating, that is meeting a woman in real life, talking to her and getting her number, that's also very demoralizing, because first you have to find out if she's single, which only happens about 20% of the time, then you have to find out if you share the same interests, which happens about 5% of the time. So it's just too hard. Online dating is so much easier because you find someone who shares your interests right away and is single.

Anyway, my main point in this post is whether or not I should be up front about my desire to get married. I am extremely reluctant to cover that fact up because I'm proud of it and I want to find someone who is equally passionate about marriage as I am.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-24-2011 08:05 PM

Why not copy (without the link) your profile information here.

I found "light hearted" profiles with personality interesting and I would respond, flirting is part of the nature and so you have to be a little lively.

Looking for marriage "would" scare me off, it's like does he want a second Mother? Rather, I'm not into flings rather if we have the right ingredients, then marriage isn't out of the question.. Sounds for instance more, oh okay I am serious to but it's a matter of if we are compatible.

First step is to find someone who shares your interests
The next is to see if you both get along and are compatible
Then you ascertain their passions in life
Then you are passed dating if it all clicks in

Trying to find what you want all before you meet, is going to get you the non dates in my opinion..

**Little** · 07-24-2011 08:25 PM

Heck, I used to scare men off simply because I spoke Spanish, forget nine other languages ...
Being so educated, it seems you are looking in the wrong place. Maybe you should change your subscription to a site that specializes in people who are at your level of education.
Are you religious? You may find women who are more interested in long-term relationships in religious services.

Women may feel like you're "jumping the gun" talking about marriage immediately upon meeting. It also seems like you're inflating your ego on the backs of other men - who may have totally pure intentions, so who are you to judge? People have a way of seeing through that sort of act.

Just giving a few things to think about and addressing your specific question. If you start a discussion with us here, we're usually better able to help.

**rcoreyus** · 07-24-2011 10:17 PM

I think you would do better to make it look like you are looking for friendship and and companionship, and hoping for a long term relationship. I agree with the above posters that looking for marriage this early might put people off.

What sorts of things does your profile say you enjoy doing?

**oxy-moron** · 07-24-2011 10:57 PM

Hi
I hate to ask this but have you ever had a long term relationship. You sound like a details person and even your posting comes across as intense.
It sounds like your are not willing to waste any time on preliminaries. There is a good chance you are going to scare genuine women off.

If I spoke 50 languages or just one I would not list it in my profile.
If your favorite second language was french you could say you love the french culture and would one day be interested in touring there. This could make you seem interesting- not intimidating and they could find out about your multilingual abilities as a surprise.

I beleive that most people are superficial when they make their initial mating decisions and these are likely to be based around looks. If you dont have a good photo but do have some intimidating profile information then things could be slow.

CWs coment
"light hearted" profiles with personality interesting and I would respond, flirting is part of the nature and so you have to be a little lively''

is probably a good starting point.

There are people who specialise in prearranged marriages and this may suit your mating style.

Good luck

**stressed** · 07-25-2011 03:28 PM

Originally Posted by bill_dembski

Anyway, my main point in this post is whether or not I should be up front about my desire to get married. I am extremely reluctant to cover that fact up because I'm proud of it and I want to find someone who is equally passionate about marriage as I am.

If I'd read that in your online dating profile I wouldn't answer you either (assuming I'm looking for a date online), because you state you're after marriage, not someone you'd be compatible with in a marriage. This attitude would scare me even if I'd be after a serious relationship too, because it would feel like "I should only start dating this guy if I'm 100% sure it will lead to marriage, but how can I know unless I won't date him? And how will I date him if I'll definitely have to marry him afterwards? He already wants marriage more than me and we haven't met yet".

Online dating may seem easier but it only seems so because others don't see our flaws unless they meet us. There are many traps set in online dating by people who pretend to be something they are not.

Don't confuse marriage with happiness and don't approach "settling" with success. My advice, you could change your profile stating you're looking for a serious relationship but don't mention marriage, especially in our days when most people divorce it's a scary word to many young women. Secondly, look for a woman you feel most compatible with, one you love being around, one you'd spend the rest of your life with even if you wouldn't marry her, someone who feels the same about you.

I'm very interested to know why you want to marry so much, more than finding someone compatible you'd fall for (these are two very different approaches on the same subject, as the goals are very different and have an impact on the other person as well). I'd also like to know how many serious relationships you've had so far.

**jns** · 07-25-2011 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by oxy-moron

Hi
I hate to ask this but have you ever had a long term relationship. You sound like a details person and even your posting comes across as intense.
It sounds like your are not willing to waste any time on preliminaries. There is a good chance you are going to scare genuine women off.

If I spoke 50 languages or just one I would not list it in my profile.
If your favorite second language was french you could say you love the french culture and would one day be interested in touring there. This could make you seem interesting- not intimidating and they could find out about your multilingual abilities as a surprise.

I beleive that most people are superficial when they make their initial mating decisions and these are likely to be based around looks. If you dont have a good photo but do have some intimidating profile information then things could be slow.

CWs coment
"light hearted" profiles with personality interesting and I would respond, flirting is part of the nature and so you have to be a little lively''

is probably a good starting point.

There are people who specialise in prearranged marriages and this may suit your mating style.

Good luck

Very good analysis. Prearranged may be the way but it will probably be hard on the girl.

**bob_smith** · 07-26-2011 05:38 AM

I decided to remove the part on my profile that I'm explicitly after marriage. Too many people said it's a bad idea. Some other people wanted me to dumb myself down. I'm not interested in that. Thanks everyone for the comments.

**stressed** · 07-26-2011 05:46 AM

Originally Posted by oxy-moron

If I spoke 50 languages or just one I would not list it in my profile.
If your favorite second language was french you could say you love the french culture and would one day be interested in touring there. This could make you seem interesting- not intimidating and they could find out about your multilingual abilities as a surprise.

I beleive that most people are superficial when they make their initial mating decisions and these are likely to be based around looks. If you dont have a good photo but do have some intimidating profile information then things could be slow.

I don't really agree with this view. I'd be personally very interested in an educated and self-confident man who's not afraid to hide parts of his life that may seem 'intimidating' to others and that's because these aspects will come out sooner or later. Exactly, hiding such information would attract women after something superficial and he's not after something like that. Being an 'intimidating personality' is tough (I am such one myself) but instead of hiding 'intimidating' information, he can just add more 'simple' information, such as "I cook" or "I play computer games" for example, in order to come across as 'more human'. I don't think he should hide his traits just because he has more than an average man's.

Originally Posted by oxy-moron

There are people who specialise in prearranged marriages and this may suit your mating style.

That I partly agree with. Not exactly with the 'prearranged' but more for the third person who can find him a good match. Nothing 100% certain but an opportunity to meet someone suitable.

**MinnieGem** · 07-26-2011 07:51 AM

i too myself would be scared off if someone i was looking for posted about marriage, marriage is a very big commitment and some women are looking for it and the majority of others are not, they would like to get to know the person first and see how things go before even thinking about marriage, posting your a well educated guy would not scare me away but to some women they will think oh great this guy is so well educated what would this guy want with a girl like me who has not completed highschool, who got pregnant at a young age and has baggage would this guy even like me cuz i weigh x amount of pounds, know what i mean, just something to think about