Am I crazy???

**OnyxSnowfall** · 07-25-2011 06:09 AM

Hello! I desperately need outside perspectives.

I've had an on and off "serious" relationship with a man, for 3 1/2 years, and we've lived together for sum of 1 1/2 years. He's 31 and I am 26. We've been on and off primarily because I am unable to trust him... (we all know how strong a lack of trust can help a relationship become)

In the beginning of our relationship... he deluged me with the tragedies that were his former loves... particularly his first love and his first girlfriend and his last unrequited love. Hours into hours about them, and so often he would repeat stories and statements. One of the girls, if not more than one of them, was bound to come up within our conversation; regardless if it was about something as trivial as shoes or something much deeper like personal values ... whether we were on the phone, chatting over the internet or talking in person. It was very apparent that he was more interested in those girls than in me and I was initially just very wary of him as a serious intimate prospect. Not to mention he would say things like, "it's weird I'm attracted to you... you're not at all my type". The ex-flame onslaught probably went on for about 6 months... although the last outburst happened after we had been together for a little over year .... to which he was passionately recalling (once again) how his first girlfriend cheated on him... and how he should have ended up with his first love because they belonged together anyway (and that she would have prevented him from ever being with his first girlfriend somehow... oh, if only his first love didn't sleep with another man, too... hey, "I" could have been prevented, too!).

While ultimately he seemed more tore up about his first girlfriend than by the other girls, she bothered and bothers me the least... I guess because she was the only he wasn't still spending time with? Meanwhile... proclaiming an exclusive interest in me.

Eventually I withdrew from him upon discovering that he had dinner with his first love, baked cookies with her and then took her out to the movies (she's married and her husband wasn't with them) and upon discovering he took his unrequited love out to lunch a few times. I was already having a difficult time coping with the fact that he saw his unrequited love nearly EVERY day (being "best friends" with her husband... who is still unaware of his best friend's "transgressions" with his wife [there were apparently a couple of sexual incidents between them before I even knew him]). I actually once humored my boyfriend and went over to his best friend's house --- after knowing that my boyfriend had been absurdly into her and likely still was --- but she claimed to want to befriend me and my boyfriend was eager to have us all "become friends"... it didn't work out, because she came up to my boyfriend from behind and wrapped around him and the smile on his face crushed me. I suffered through the rest of the evening on the living room couch, trying to control my hurt, while my boyfriend pretty much ignored me and spent the evening with her... claiming that she didn't want to see mushy stuff between he and I and he was just trying to respect that within her house. WTF? That was another time I withdrew from him... but I digress.

He's always chased me wildly when I've tried backing off... but after discovering the one on one outings he had with these "former" flames... I wasn't receptive to his chase. He was frantic, and I naturally just seemed to detach and move on. After ignoring him and not having spoken with him for a couple of months, and him ceasing the attempts to contact me... he at some point tried again, and I felt pretty safe and apathetic at that point so I, for better or worse, answered his phone call.

We had a very long conversation. I let him know how disrespected I had felt. I let him know that I wasn't going to tolerate wasting myself on someone that wasn't over their past and I let him know that I deserved more than being settled for. I let him know that I NEEDED mutuality within a relationship, that I wanted to put my partner first and be put first and that I was only open to something exclusive and with the potential to be long-term. He just kept apologizing profusely and telling me that he only wanted me. That I've misinterpreted everything and that I was wrong to ever think he could be hung-up in his past and that it's always been platonic since his "fall-outs" with these girls and nothing more. That he "loves" me and no one else.

Then he tells me he is putting his house key under his mat and that I can come into his place and search through everything if I wanted to --- his safe his room his computer --- that he is leaving his e-mail account and passwords on his desk so that I can access them and read all of his correspondences between whomever too. I saw him a few times first. He managed not to bring up any of his former loves. We actually mingled -and it was lovely. But then he goes to his "best friends" house again and I get uncomfortable. When he returns, he tells me he's going to see his parents in Oregon for a few days. I tell him that it bothered me that he still sees his unrequited love --- he tells me to go through his place while he's in Oregon... that the key will be there. That I have nothing to worry about. I'm all he's ever wanted and needed and he's often thought about proposing to me.

And stupidly, I take up his offer to scour his place and his belongings.

There's all kinds of horror there, especially on his PC! LOL. I can't figure out why he let me access his place!? I was so overwhelmed with everything and I didn't react well at all and was and still am unable to appreciate his "openness" with me.

During one of my withdrawals from him, he wrote to his first love that he wished she could clone herself so that he could have her clone... becauseI'm not like her and she understands him so perfectly. Then she wrote him back with xoxoxo and some other that made me ill. He wrote to his unrequited love that he loved her, in the beginning of our relationship. He had pictures of all of them and folders full of love poems that he wrote for and about them. He recently had asked for the written love letters from his first love too... piles of them were on his desk. Really... piles. In a chat log he talked to one of his friends about me like I was disposable --- worth the sex but nothing else (although it was before we were even sexually intimate together wtf?). He also kept photographs, of course, of his former loves. And never once asked for one of mine LoL. Still hasn't.

We still haven't sorted it all out. I was hurt more than ever after that and I just wanted to recede away. He cried and he has tried explaining things to me in so many different ways. I still don't trust him. Overtime he deleted all of their pictures, letters, etc. But only when I let him know I couldn't tolerate any of it if he actually wanted to try to work through this with me. But it was a long process. When we moved in together I found things he had claimed he had disposed of --- pictures, letters with his first love that were sexual --- etc. I feel like there's just been too much, that too much has accumulated and I don't know how to deal with it all. Even though my current reality is that he doesn't seem to be in contact with either of them anymore, that he's put all of his energy and time in our relationship for the last several months, etc etc...

I love him more dearly now than ever before. Besides my struggle with pondering his ability to be "faithful", I love his qualities and personality.

I just have to either trust him or move on permanently from him. This back and forth is tearing more than our relationship up, it's at least affecting me as an individual (and from what I can see, him). I just want to know if it's crazier to trust him now, or to NOT trust him?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-25-2011 07:41 AM

Oh dear. As I read, my consistent thoughts throughout each paragraph was "Why on Earth is she still with this guy?"

I love him more dearly now than ever before.

Are you sure? Or are the deep feelings you're having coming from your feelings of rejection, feelings of not being good enough, so you feel even more attached because you want to be "the one"? I ask this, because I did this myself at one time. I too found emails and texts, but all it did (except break my heart) was make me want to work harder to keep him. I felt more and more attached. But it wasn't love. It was fear of rejection and wanting to "win" him.

I love his qualities and personality.

What qualities could be so wonderful that they overshadow lies, deceit, put downs (Telling you you're not his type. Telling his ex he wants to clone her because you're not like her. Those ARE put downs.), unfaithfulness?

In my opinion, you've held on to this relationship FAR too long as it is. He may wildly try to get you back when you leave him, because he obviously has attachment issues, doesn't like to be alone, etc. But there's nothing about what you've just told us that would make me think that this guy is truly into you, that his heart is truly with you, or that he is EVER going to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. If you stay with him, you're at best, getting a 3rd place position. Is that enough?

**Texinator** · 07-25-2011 07:45 AM

I'll keep it simple...

In other words... Eject!

**Little** · 07-25-2011 10:16 AM

He obviously left his house open to you because he didn't think you'd REALLY go through it. Either that, or he honestly thinks nothing's wrong with his behavior.
Either way, you're not exactly "winning" like Charlie Sheen in this relationship. Quite the opposite.
I agree with Tex and his method of illustration 100%.

**OnyxSnowfall** · 07-25-2011 12:26 PM

(First off, thanks everyone for your responses)

BD - you know, I think a lot of it may have to do with ego... and with not feeling good enough. It's definitely something I need to consider on a deeper level. I can't say I feel very confident anymore and it is like I do need to prove something to him and to myself... I realize it's up to me, no one else, to nurture my self-esteem and confidence but... it's just been kind of hard. How were you ultimately able to overcome it and move on? Just seeing it for what it was?

I can't settle for third place Lol --- I could do second place, if it were to children but he's childless. I guess my confusion stems from the more recent (as in the last several months) effort he's put into things. I didn't really elaborate on that. I suppose when I gave him a "second chance" it was never really a full one. I mentioned his qualities because he's never been violent... the boyfriend I was with before him was violent and sometimes very physical with me. I guess in comparison, my current boyfriend is a gentleman. His touch is affectionate, his mind is intense and creative, we are extremely compatible intellectually and he's never even raised his voice at me. Superficially, he's good in bed blah. I was on a self-destructive slope there for awhile and he put up with it and helped me out of it. But alas. Faithfulness. I can't change the importance that fidelity has to me...

Let me contradict myself now. I really haven't had the coping skills to encounter very much with him anymore --- it's pathetic, but I can't even stand watching bare breasts bounce on a screen with him, never mind more graphic content. I don't want to go out with him anywhere anymore either... making life... not very enjoyable to be together. He used to "admire" women in front of me and share with me how sexually attractive they were and that got to me over-time too. ESPECIALLY because he would tell me how my legs could be longer, could be thinner, could be fatter --- or my bottom could be smaller (then I'd work out more and suddenly... my bottom could be bigger). I've wondered if he has just deliberately tried to eat away at my self-image... because I was confident when we met, men would and still approach me whenever we do go out together and maybe that's bothered him more than he's ever let me know... or maybe, I'm really just not his type and can never be.

Conversely to his efforts of pretty much walking on eggshells with me, mine have declined. He's even mostly stopped seeing his best friend, once every few months. Sometimes I feel like I'm the control freak because he's changed his behavior so much --- but I can't pinpoint why he has and don't feel secure. Like maybe he'll regress eventually, maybe it's just intentionally temporary, maybe it was wrong of me not to believe him that his relationships were platonic and or... maybe it just isn't worth trying to salvage all of this. Lol.

Texinator - LOL (that was unexpected).

Little - yeah... not winning either way lol...

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-25-2011 12:47 PM

Well first off, the things he says to you about your appearance are SO very much like what my ex did to me. He would tell me I was too skinny, he liked girls to be more curvy. Then nearly in the same breath he'd tell me I needed to work out and tone up. He even got to the point he'd pick on me because he said I pulled my pants up too high. I'm short waisted, lots of women are, and he knew it was something I couldn't change so he picked on me over it. He found ways. Let's see, there was also my lips. I have nice lips, they're not at all thin......but he'd make comments about how he liked thicker lips, or longer eye lashes (although people compliment my eye lashes all the time...). He liked blondes (I have auburn hair) and one time he even tried to photoshop my pic to have lighter hair and said "see you'd look good like that". He'd tell me how he likes light colored eyes (mine are dark brown). BUT, he was financially stable, nice home, romantic, soulful, we could sit for hours discussing music and art, great in bed, etc. I had NEVER had that with a guy before and it took me forever to realize that even though that part was great, the other part was literally tearing me down into nothing. Pretty soon, I saw myself as a disgustingly skinny, pale, bland, thin lipped, beady eyed, dorky looking girl who was obsessed with gaining weight and trying to make myself look good for him. I was desperate to win him over.

How were you ultimately able to overcome it and move on? Just seeing it for what it was?

Ending the relationship and cutting off all contact. No matter how hard he begged and pleaded and cried on voicemails and emails, I ignored. It took me about a year to start really building my self esteem back up to even a halfway normal level.

Now...let's get into WHY a man like that behaves that way. First, despite what you may think, he sees you as superior to him. You're probably naturally a beautiful woman, confident, etc. He NEEDS to feel better than you, just like T needed to feel better than me. So he tears you down, little by little by little until you're seeing him as WAY better than what he is and are desperate to be loved by him. Why? Because if you were still Miss Confident and Independent, there's NO WAY you'd put up with all the lies, unfaithfulness, betrayal.

You could tell him all these things. You can try and try until you're blue in the face, but this is not the man for you. This, as he stands right now, isn't the man for anyone and I pity the woman who ends up with him. Don't let it be you.

**Texinator** · 07-25-2011 01:17 PM

He's an insecure man who can't stand to be alone. He's still not over first place, but since he can't have her, he's keeping second place and you around as "insurance." That and what appear to be abandonment issues are why he is so frantic when you try to put distance between you two. But believe me, if the one he wants were to get together with him... you'd never hear from him again.

I liked your initial reaction, which was to break off with him because you felt you deserved better. Just because he might have some good sides to him - though not being a violent turd is not a "positive quality," it's basic civilized behavior - doesn't mean he's right for you. Considering how he treats you and what he's all said to you shows that there is a great lack of respect for you on his part.

So, I think it's high time to break off with him again, this time for good. You deserve to be someone's first place.

**jns** · 07-25-2011 10:02 PM

I see nothing redeeming in the way he is treating you. It's like you are harder to get so he is trying harder. I don't think it will last. Find a good relationship.