Life-long friendship put into perspective

**Seniora** · 08-01-2011 12:39 AM

I've reached retirement age and am travelling Europe all 2011. My mind has been going through a sorting process too, and I've often looked at this site and noticed the good advice given. Perhaps my comments/reflection may help others, I don't know.

My mind takes me back to a life friendship which lasted from my earliest memory. I have given this a lot of thought over the decades because the person in question was 35 years older than I and one of my father's best friends. No yuk factor please, he was a man of impeccable probity.

From age 15 this man became somebody very special in my life. (He died a few years ago. I, of all people, actually discovered his body at his home!) He was much closer to me than my own father. We talked a lot and I could say anything to him, or tell him anything and never be judged. He was an intelligent professional man, married but without children as his wife could not bear children. This is partly the reason for his fondness for myself and my sisters, and my parents' friends and some of their children. Over the years our relationship bond grew stronger. He would meet all my boyfriends, and comment etc. Much like a father does. But I felt more than than for him - I found I wanted to be with him lots. We went sailing on his yacht when my father was invited and the two of us talked lots. As I grew into my 20's the bond became stronger (for me), despite boyfriends, engagement and eventual marriage and children. I moved away but always wrote to him. Meanwhile, his wife wasn't fond of me at all!!! I cannot explain the bond between us and now I'm trying to work it out at my age. We had similar interests - music, books, life in general. When I was in my late 30's his wife died and we became very close. He invited me to lunch, there were flowers on the table and lovely food. I accompanied him to classical music concerts and we talked lots and lots. He'd often comment on my hair, clothes, how I looked etc., and put my arm in mine whenever we went to anything formal, I was his infrequent partner for such things in those years. My family never minded as he had been in my life for decades and was a friend. I felt as though he was lonely and, in a way, I became a surrogate "wife" in that respect - though, I stress, our relationship never teetered over to anything physical. I'm not sure that I was happy with that, to tell truth!! I was, I'm very sure, in love with him and had been for such a long, long time. But I never really knew how he felt about me, suffice to say he often hugged me and said, "you look gorgeous" or whatever. Like a father?

I still miss him very, very much and would say that he was a love of my life - along with a couple of others. Just what was the real extent or nature of our relationship I'm never sure, but I remember being tremendously moved when, after his wife died, he phoned me and said, "when I die I want you there beside me on my death-bed". Friends have said, "what a dreadful responsibility"! I never saw it that way. In his last few years we grew apart, sadly, but whenever he walked into a room there was always some tension and electricity between us. I don't think a person can fool themselves about that!! A wonderful, wonderful man!

If you have any comments about what I've experienced I'd be glad of them.

**jns** · 08-01-2011 01:08 AM

What a beautiful relationship. His wife wasn't fond of you because of jealousy or thoughts of impropriety. But you gave him the ability to have the daughter at his side that he never had. The desire for children can be every bit as strong in men as it is in women. The lack of children probably was alright with his wife, but he missed having them, thus the doting on you and your siblings and your parents' friends and their children. When you became an adult, he was able to have you as the adult daughter that he wanted. And your compliance in that made everything right for both of you. I would say it would be easy for you to have romantic feelings for someone who treated you so beautifully.

**Seniora** · 08-01-2011 08:52 AM

Thank you so much, jns, for your comment. I said he was 35 years my senior, but he was actually 31.5 years older than I. It's the strangest thing that age never entered the equation - not at all. I've been drawn to men quite a bit older than myself my whole life and think that my relationship with Max (not his real name) has something to do with it.
One night (which was the last time we went out together, actually) I was to meet him at the Conservatorium of Music for a concert. He kept me waiting half an hour, then turned up smelling of alcohol. He had been out with friends that afternoon and I think he must have forgotten our date. When he arrived he put his arm around me and said, "sorry, darling" but the damage was done. That same evening I was talking to a fellow at the concert about music and Max seemed jealous, "I saw you over there talking with X - he had you buttonholed, and he's such a bore!". For the very first time in my life I saw Max jealous, but that was our last night out together because I felt he let me down with his behaviour. However, I loved him very much until the day he died. Am I'm still grieving. Thanks again, jns, as I cannot confide this with either friends of family - they'll think I'm barking mad!! Cheers.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-01-2011 10:31 AM

Don't let yourself be torn inside over what you know you felt. Embrace it, it was real. It truly sounds like you two had an amazing bond. And maybe that bond wasn't a romantic one for him (or perhaps it was but he loved you enough to know that wasn't best for you given the age difference?), but I am a firm believer that soul mates come into our lives in all forms. A soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be someone you have a romantic love with. It can be someone who you are eternally connected with despite all the odds.

You loved him and he loved you. And you are still grieving because you haven't yet discovered that though the physical bond is gone since his passing, the connection of soul mates is never gone.

Write him a letter dear. Tell him your feelings for him. Talk to him like you would've if he were here. Then burn the letter. Sometimes it helps to just get it out.....and who knows, you may even get some answers. You just have to be watching for them.

**Seniora** · 08-01-2011 11:21 AM

Yes, soul mates!! You've hit it in one and they are SO HARD to find - I never have!! Thanks for your intelligent response.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-01-2011 02:41 PM

As I was reading your thread, two souls that were bonded, there for each other, as if in a past life, they planned it

His dream was to have you there at his exit from this world and you were, your dream was to love him and be loved by him and you were..

There is no mistaking such a bond of two souls, he was your soul mate...

**Seniora** · 08-01-2011 11:59 PM

Yes, CW, that's how it was! I've been looking ever since for a replacement. I've been married for 37 years and it has survived all sorts of disruptions and stresses. We get along well, but there's always a space which isn't filled in my heart by having a real soul-mate. This need only be a very special friend with whom I can discuss the things I love, but which I don't share with my husband. We have different interests and he tries, bless him! The soul mate need not be a day-to-day friend in the true sense of the word: just somebody who knows and understands certain things. How can I discuss these longings and needs with friends who are less well-off financially, who have careers and kids and other issues? It seems like self-indulgence, but there's such a void and I put up such a brave front to the world that nobody would know. You may remember my earlier postings about an internet friend I made, but which turned sour. For a time, we were soul mates!! I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship, merely an ongoing internet one where I could talk about the things I love just as I did with Max. Oh well, we each have our crosses to bear and my life is pretty good otherwise. I used to 'talk' on the internet with a fellow from the UK, whom I met on a music forum, and we were completely sympathetic souls. He just stopped communicating, out of the blue. He was 45, I was 60 - but age wasn't an issue, just our mutual love of music. So, I've never stopped looking since Max died..... You can see what a huge impact he had on my life and how much I loved him. Thanks, CW!

**Seniora** · 08-02-2011 12:05 AM

Also, Beautiful Disaster (love that name!), my relationship with this man would not have strayed into the physical realm as he was a close friend of my father and there would have been a Woody Allen-type YUK factor working. Both of us were always aware of our 'family' connection. My siblings called him "Uncle Max", so you see 'the problem'? We did move toward that path once, but I was the one who backed away!!

**oxy-moron** · 08-02-2011 04:25 PM

Hi
It sounds like you are looking for the perfect "unicorn" partner.
Someone who is a perfect match in every way. Even with your older friend you may have reached that closeness but you didnt cross the line into physical intimacy that would have ultimately weakened your platonic friendship.
Perhaps you need to seal his memory and move on- creating fresh friendships rather than trying to recreate old ones.

Good luck

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-02-2011 04:41 PM

I do remember your last thread.

And in reading into both? I think Oxy is right.

By that I mean, you are a deep soul I believe, one that has alot of passion as well, yet, you love your husband, more probably as a friend as the passion side of you and him don't equate, don't match, nor do alot of interests..

You write freely, but deeply and with passion, hense my comments and your stories are that of deep, passion, freedom, connection, simularities

You are searching and searching to continue with that "type" of person, to stay connected with you and I think, when one goes, you reminise on the one before, and will do so until another enters your life, more than likely again, via the internet world.

It's emotional for you... An affair of sorts without the lust, chemistry, rather the deep connection, emotions, passions of life that you have sought out and continue to seek out...

Remember past memories are good ones, but they are there to remember not linger. And, as oxy said, create new friendships, I don't believe it's healthy to dwell on the past under any form.