Thread: Relationship delimma

I have been married 5 years,known my husband for 7. When we met 7 years ago I was heart broken and was trying to move on from my past and he gave me comfort, never asked me about my past , never pushed me for anything. I just went with the flow and we got married. We never had a strong physical relationship. Earlier I didnt want it as I wasnt over my past and we werent married then and thought it would be a good idea to take sometime. I thought by the time we get married we should be fine. Once we got married things just got worse. We had no intimacy at all. our engagement period we still had some but after getting married it was gone.. Whenever we tried it was a failure. We like totally different things. We kept grewing apart.

My husband perfers running away from problems rather than facing them. He stopped innitiating. He used to snore a lot which made me uncomfortable and we started sleeping in different rooms. He was probably relieved by that.He was always too much into porn and didnt care if I was around. I had a few breakdowns and every time he would promise to make things right. He would put in effort for a few days and then go back to being the way he was. Never helped me in the house, didnt like taking responsibilities, didnt communicate. First I thought it was normal and everyone takes time to mature and reach a compromise or a comfortable place in a marriage. He is a very nice person at heart and loved me dearly so I was always hopeful.

A year ago I just couldnt take it anymore and told him I wanted to leave him. That totally shook him up and he decided to put in some genuine efforts. We went through councelling, therapy,etc. today on the responsibilities front things are much better, communication is also getting better but sexual front is far from resolved. Its been 3 years since we slept together. We havent had any intimacy in these 3 years n before that maybe once in 5-6 months was our frequency.

I was at a conference earlier this year and I wasnt talking to my husband at the time,still in separate rooms and was just trying to find courage to walk out.Things were really bad.

At this conference I met a random person at the bar and we got talking ,went dancing etc. One of the days I was just too frustrated and called him to my room and we made out all night. I didnt feel guilty surprizingly ,infact felt good about it.

Didnt meet the guy again. Never told my husband.

Last 2-3 months my husband has been trying genuinely to resolve the intimacy problem between us and thats the reason i am still in this marriage. I am very comfortable with his family and he with mine. He takes good care of everyone. Iknow he genuinely loves me.

Now another problem. My best and closest friend for 11 years is a guy and I have been getting councelling from him as well. He got married 3 years ago and right now is separated from his wife and in the process of getting a divorse. This is the only person in the world who knows everything about me, good, bad or ugly. I also told him about my 1 night stand also. As he is going through such a sensitive time I have been wanting to go meet him. We live in different countries. I finally got a chance when I was travelling for work .It was perfect as it was end of the week so I got to spend the weekend with him . Obviously my husband and my family know him very well and they all knew I was going to meet him and stay with him.

We talked n talked n talked just like old times. He was so happy to see me. Last I had met him was at his wedding.We went out clubbing also as we both enjoy it and he hadnt gone out in a long long time. We had a brilliant time and got home really late. Since college times we always slept in the same bed chatting away never touching each other. It seems unbelievable but we have never been physical , never even kissed.

But this time suddenly there was a moment that we were very close and it happened, we kissed. It felt very strange but we went on for a few mins and suddenly fear took over the pleasure as this was the most valued relationship for me and I suddenly held back. He looked at me and asked if I was ok and I said no, then he just hugged me and I slept instantly.

In the morning everything seemed normal. I was leaving that day. We did talk about what happened but he just reassured that nothing can ever change our relationship. We can always be ourselves with each other and share anything under the sun.

Since I came back I have been thinking about those few moments...I wonder how it never crossed my mind that this special friendship could have been more than that. I always thought we were brought up very differently, families were different, had totally different lifestyles. We never saw each other fitting in each others lives. But now it makes me wonder.

I am back and trying to work my marriage out but I have some really confusing feelings. After so many depressive years finally I see some light to save my marriage but I am not sure anymore.

This is the first time I am writing in a forum as I dont know who to talk to as this time I cannot talk to the only person I always do.

Hope you can help me.