hes been lieing.. now what do i do?!

**amyjo** · 08-08-2011 01:46 PM

ive been with a guy for 8 months but he has liked me for two years... hes a great guy and very smart and caring and just an amazing individual.. but he used to smoke weed (i think just to fit in, but he says it was fun).. and he told me, about 7 months ago, that he was done with weed and he wanted to quit and change for me.. these past 7 months i thought he was clean from it all..

occasionlly i would hear that he still smoked, and i would confront him about it and he would get mad because i was believing other people over him. and he would get so upset because i didnt trust him.. he hangs out with a close friend of ours, whom is his best friend.. the two of them were constantly together and i always wondered why they have to be together constantly.. well now i know that its because they smoke together.. my boyfriend's friend is the one who told me about it, he said he couldnt handle lieing anymore and he said he was done with smoking because his girlfriend doesnt like it and he doesnt wanna lose her..

my boyfriend is constantly promising me that he is done with that bad stuff and wants to change and will prove to me that hes changing. he said if i dont trust him about things than he will find ways to prove it to me.. i know he does love me and doesnt want to lose me.. and i feel like he can change because i know he wants to.. but theres still that part of me that doesnt know. i dont know if i should give him another chance because i hvae given him so many chances already.. i remember how he used to look me right in the eyes and say "trust me, im done smoking, i dont do that stuff anymore" then when i didnt believe him, he would say "you never trust me, im not lieing about this"... and hes so sincere about it so i would believe him.. and it turns out he actually was lieing.. so how do i know if hes just not lieing again that way i will stay with him? because he could just continue to smoke behind my back then lie to my face about it.. what should i do??!

**Crystalblue** · 08-08-2011 03:37 PM

Does he actually want to quit or would he be quitting for you? I've found that with any habit, unless the person honestly wants to stop, for their sake and not someone else's, they're probably going to have a tough time with it. I smoked weed for a long time and continued to do so even though people were telling me to stop and making logical points. Even after a got arrested for it, I still smoked.

I finally got to the point where I was ready to stop, but I did it for me and not because anyone else wanted me to. That's something you would have to consider because you might be put in the situation where you have to decide if this is something you can accept or not. If not, then you might be better moving on instead of waiting for him to be ready.

**JadedQueen** · 08-09-2011 01:45 AM

They sell drug tests in stores now... purchase one watch him take it and if it comes back negative then drop the subject and you have nothing more to worry about... if it comes back positive, then you know for a fact he's been lying. DO NOT fall for the excuses... "so and so was smoking it and I was in the same room" that would NOT give you a positive, or "It takes awhile to get out of the system" which yes, it does take awhile to get out of your system, roughly 30 days and he's been saying he hasn't done it for 7 months so he should have a negative test result.
If he refuses to take the test, then I think you already know the answer if he's been lying or not. Make sure when he takes the test you are in the bathroom with him because he can always dilute it with water and modify the results. Also... when you bring up the drug test, make sure you have one on hand and make him if he is willing to prove his innocence take it right then and there if you tell him about it and let him know when he'll have to take it, there are things he can take and or do that will give you inaccurate results. That is the ONLY way you are going to know the truth for sure.

**---Beany---** · 08-09-2011 12:11 PM

It's a problem that he's lying, but also a problem that he feels the need to lie.
Is he afraid of damaging the relationship if he doesn't "quit and change for you"?
It sounds like you want him to change him and deep down he doesn't want to change.

**stressed** · 08-10-2011 02:28 PM

Did you know he smoked this before you started a relationship with him? If so (since he said he wanted to quit "for you"), you knew what you were getting into...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-10-2011 03:09 PM

but he used to smoke weed (i think just to fit in, but he says it was fun).. and he told me, about 7 months ago, that he was done with weed and he wanted to quit and change for me..

my boyfriend's friend is the one who told me about it, he said he couldnt handle lieing anymore and he said he was done with smoking because his girlfriend doesnt like it and he doesnt wanna lose her..

my boyfriend is constantly promising me that he is done with that bad stuff and wants to change and will prove to me that hes changing.

I agree with Stressed.

But, here is the thing. His "friend" is not a friend.. Selfishly, he chose to dob on his "mate" and in addition provide the reason why he did that... His "friend" doesn't want a smoking partner anymore and thought the best way to do that would be to dob him in, then he's caught out and therefore, he won't hang out with him and smoke, and therefore, it will be easier for "him" to quit smoking and keep his girlfriend... A bit of a cad don't you think? In addition to that, he planted the seed in your mind, of awee see he's doing it for his girlfriend, why won't mine?

Because he's not doing it. He's "trying" to do it just like your boyfriend, they are both trying to kick (1) a habit and (2) an addiction. Both respect their girlfriends and don't want to lose them, but man, it's hard to quit an addiction.. To quit means support, even if he does smoke, to say "okay, you stuffed up, that's okay, keep trying you don't need it, it's an addiction, a waste of money and a waste of utilising your brain"... Threatening to leave won't work.. And, honestly? When someone has a problem and is trying do you kick them to the curb?

In addition, as Stressed stated, he was doing this before you two got together, you knew that, now he is "trying" to quit, help him...but only if he's doing it for himself, we don't have the right to "change" someone, unless it's doing us harm physically or personally, we are who we are...

**stressed** · 08-11-2011 01:43 PM

Also, you have to seriously consider that he may not be exactly the same person you met after he quits this, at least for several months after quitting. This happens with every addictive habit like smoking and alcohol. Quitting an addiction has an effect on the person's environment and that's something you must be prepared for. It's not easy and you can't argue with him every time he goes astray. It will only lead to more lying.

**jns** · 08-15-2011 06:20 PM

Lying and smoking weed after he said he would quit. You should find someone who doesn't do those things if they are important to you.

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