In need of some advice.

**Purplerose** · 08-12-2011 10:17 AM

Hello everyone, I've just recently join the forums, in the hopes someone can give me some advice on my situation.

I've been with my boyfriend now for going on 3 years, this relationship was not taken lightly at all, I had been in a long term relationship 2 years before this one started and it took me so long to recover from that.

So we starting dating after about a year of hangout out and stuff, things where going great except from the odd argument and my ex constantly niggling at me, i couldn't cut him completely out of my life because we have a lovely daughter together.

I started becoming completely insecure mainly because of past experiences, my bf now has done nothing wrong ( i'm not saying he's perfect, he does have communication problems) but i feel like i've let my insecureties rule my life, i stopped going out with friends and basically doing anything which gave me so much time to pick at the relationship.

He told me that we would always been together, he loved me and so on, i beileved it, but still i couldn't allow myself to be completely happy. To cut a long story short we started arguing more recently and it's ended up in a break up. I called him to ask if we could make it a "Break" Instead to allow me to be myself and work on my own problems.

Now all i can do is think about him, what will happen after the break? will he just not want me anymore, is he just tired of me? He said he just doesn't know how to make me happy and i can see why, i see my mistakes and am willing to work on them, but he said it's something he can't help with i need to find myself.

I'm totally struggling with having no contact with him, i feel like texting him every second ( I don't.. but it takes alot of willpower) I did text him a few times and he text back saying he missed me and had been thinking about me, but we really did need this space to be alone and come back together at some point without these problems.

Do you think all my mistakes have cost me the man of my dreams?
Or do you think i have some hope of showing him i want make myself happy and work on the relationship?

Sorry for the rant, I just have nowhere else to turn, i'm scared to tell the closest to me incase i seem crazy and i've lost my best friend so any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you,
Purplerose

**Fatin** · 08-13-2011 04:28 AM

Dear purplerose, what your going through is completely normal and I think what you did about telling him to break is great .. but what's going on here is nothing to worry about because its what happens after break ups and separatings, there will be this time where both of you gonna miss each others and it might hurt but its fine believe me

you just stop being worry cos you only doing bad for your self.
hope that was helpful

**jns** · 08-13-2011 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by Purplerose

Hello everyone, I've just recently join the forums, in the hopes someone can give me some advice on my situation.

I've been with my boyfriend now for going on 3 years, this relationship was not taken lightly at all, I had been in a long term relationship 2 years before this one started and it took me so long to recover from that.

So we starting dating after about a year of hangout out and stuff, things where going great except from the odd argument and my ex constantly niggling at me, i couldn't cut him completely out of my life because we have a lovely daughter together.

I started becoming completely insecure mainly because of past experiences, my bf now has done nothing wrong ( i'm not saying he's perfect, he does have communication problems) but i feel like i've let my insecureties rule my life, i stopped going out with friends and basically doing anything which gave me so much time to pick at the relationship.

He told me that we would always been together, he loved me and so on, i beileved it, but still i couldn't allow myself to be completely happy. To cut a long story short we started arguing more recently and it's ended up in a break up. I called him to ask if we could make it a "Break" Instead to allow me to be myself and work on my own problems.

Now all i can do is think about him, what will happen after the break? will he just not want me anymore, is he just tired of me? He said he just doesn't know how to make me happy and i can see why, i see my mistakes and am willing to work on them, but he said it's something he can't help with i need to find myself.

I'm totally struggling with having no contact with him, i feel like texting him every second ( I don't.. but it takes alot of willpower) I did text him a few times and he text back saying he missed me and had been thinking about me, but we really did need this space to be alone and come back together at some point without these problems.

Do you think all my mistakes have cost me the man of my dreams?
Or do you think i have some hope of showing him i want make myself happy and work on the relationship?

Sorry for the rant, I just have nowhere else to turn, i'm scared to tell the closest to me incase i seem crazy and i've lost my best friend so any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you,
Purplerose

What are your arguments about? How does he treat you? How do you treat him? Even if you stay apart, you two should have reasonable interactions with each other for your child's sake. Good luck.

**Purplerose** · 08-13-2011 12:26 PM

Our Arguments are over the must stupid things, our last one was because he left me at one of his family weddings because his friend got into a fight with his wife. Generally he treats me really well, and i him but my insecurities get the better of me sometimes, i worry about his ex's and other girls because i'm not happy with myself.

I'm hoping it's just a small break to allow us to get our heads on straight, and my daughter is from a previous relationship hence why my ex can be a problem at times.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-13-2011 03:07 PM

Obviously, your ex still plays a part in that in-security, how do you move onto the present, when the past is there to haunt you? Find alternative ways for communication, pick up, etc, ie) a family member as the central place of communication, pick up, so you no longer have to allow him into your present..

What do you feel in-secure about. Yourself as a whole? Or, relationships in general..

What did your ex do that makes you feel not a complete person, that you don't deserve the best, that you are not good enough or think, was it him? Or you've always been this way and therefore, you settled for him, now you know you have some worth as you see this man in your life, a better man...

You have to in-other-words do some soul searching.

Use this thread to talk it through, you are not alone with this feeling, yet each person is different, maybe we can guide you through the past and help you across to where you are now...

**Purplerose** · 08-13-2011 03:53 PM

You completely hit the nail on the head, I was never a completely confident person, although i was never so down on myself. My ex was abusive both mentally and physically, he made me feel ugly and as if no-one else would want me. Then he cheated on me with his now current GF.

So i totally see why i feel this way, it's just so painful to think i could have let these issues effect my current relationship, I feel like I've totally ruined it. And he's such a wonderful person, he's fully aware of my past situation, i think I've just got him to the point he doesn't think he can make me happy.

I really just want to use this time to allow myself to feel happiness within myself so he doesn't feel so pressurized into being the sole source of my happiness.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-13-2011 04:47 PM

The preditors pray on the weak

By, that I mean, he was able to manipulate you, to control you, to keep you... Abuse is part of that. And, he would have more than likely cheated before as well, only you don't know about it. It's like, I am King, I will do what I want, you are my slave, you do what I wan't I will knock you down and down so you feel you are not worthy, and in that, I control and you are mine

Dang shame you had a baby with him, but like I said, find other ways for him to pick your child up and arrange to see your child...

You know? These types of men honestly don't have a happy life, they play and play and usually end up old and gray and lonley

All you need to know is "lesson learnt".. I was vulnerable and he preyed but guess what? I got out of it and now I am in my present with someone beautiful.

Don't have "fear" of losing this guy.. Naturally, as you have found someone loving, giving, and good to you, you don't want to lose them but being clingy, jealous, needy will lose him, just go in the knowing that you deserved him and he entered your life, we don't know honestly if that person is forever, or for the now, sometimes... What's important is that you know that you deserve better, why? Because you found him

Now love yourself because your ex was soooo wrong it's not funny, you are beautiful inside and out and it's about time you looked in that mirror and went pfttttt to the ex, I know now what you were doing and why and boy are you so wrong:P

Go and get your hair done, go and find a hobby and meet new people, and start flirting and laughing and being you, with your now boyfriend and he will see the difference and so will you and don't fall back on that old trap, or else the ex wins now doesn't he:P

**Purplerose** · 08-14-2011 08:05 AM

I have been trying to about suggestions, going out with friends, buying some new clothes and so on. It has made me feel better from the littlest of moments.

I'm just missing my current boyfriend so much, I just want to call him say lets forget these stupid arguments and i love you, but he's made it pretty clear we need this break, it's driving me crazy.

A friend of mine called me today as she spoke to him last night, she said he said that he loved me and we are just having a break, hopefully things can work out after it. That he regretted some of the ways he handled things too.

It made me want to call him so much, should i? Or be strong and continue with no contact for now?

Thanks everyone, this has been a great outlet!

Purplerose

**jns** · 08-15-2011 04:32 PM

If you want, you can pass a message through the friend saying "miss you but we should spend a little more time apart getting our lives in order". That would keep him from worrying that everything is going to spin out of control. If he becomes afraid about the relationship, his actions could be unpredictable.

**Purplerose** · 08-16-2011 01:45 AM

So i gave in a spoke to him :/ what do you guys think about the conversation?

He said that he's taking each day as it comes, he's hoping we can meet up next month, said he misses me and is feeling down at the moment, feels he needs to feel happy with himself before we can move past this.

So i replied, I know what your saying and your right, we do need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy in a relationship. I just want to let you know that I miss you, and your crazy for thinking you don't make me happy. It's just been alot of this in my life that's made me unhappy.

Then we said goodbye until next month...

What do you think?
Think i've blown it by talking to him? or think i just need to wait it out this month and see how things go?

Thanks everyone!

Purplerose