going through a difficult break up..

**grace7** · 08-14-2011 03:22 AM

Where do i begin.. iv'e never used a site like this before and through reading messages from others it is helping me cope to hear other people going through the same thing and slowly overcoming their problems..
me and my partner finished a few days ago, iv'e been so unhappy with my partner for years, he cheats (iv'e found out many times) he lies, he just isnt the nicest person but i practically begged him to stay with me! why?? cause i am so afraid of being on my own. Iv'e been in 2 relationships in my life both very long relationships and not good ones either. My first hit me for many years and now this one cheats on me. It must be my fault. I think over and over its my fault. Its so difficult to move on as iv'e never been happy, i have nothing to look forward to by not being with him as iv'e never felt genuine happiness.
Iv'e got myself into debt by helping him with all his debts which he has soo many. I do everything for him, and he knows it too. Now 1 week away with his mates and he comes home a changed man saying he wants to get out of debt, wants to get a job he's happy with, and move in with his mates. All of which i am happy he's finally deciding to get his act together.. but he 'doesn't know about us anymore'. I feel so used, and that the time iv'e wasted helping and putting my life on hold for him was stupid. Iv'e lost my friends as they all hate him and dont understand why iv'e stayed with him so long.
I just cant understand why it hurts so so much. Iv'e taken a day off work and iv'e cried and cried. Iv'e not eaten a single thing since. Please any advice or even a chat would lift my spirits a bit.

**Mes T** · 08-14-2011 03:35 AM

Honey. This is rock bottom, and you know what they say. That it can only get better from here.

Have a long sleep, eat your favorite food for breakfast (if it's ice cream, let it be ice cream. If it's pizza, let it be pizza.). Tomorrow will be just a tiny bit better, you'll see. You've made the right decision, what's past is past, it's time to move forward now. Get in touch with some of your old friends. I have no doubt they still love you, they were just frustrated because they saw from the beginning what took you years to see in your ex boyfriend. They were just looking out for you is all.

We've all had horrible, awful break ups that we didn't think we could live through. And we've all lived through them, come out better people, happier people.

It's important to learn from everything that happens to us, though. Please, please take this as a lesson in what type of person you are, and what type of person you need as a partner. Don't let history repeat itself for a third time, you're better than that.

Please, please enjoy being single. Grow into the person you want to be. Become strong, independent, happy.

You are so lucky to have this chance now, don't waste it. Forget about dating for a while.

And in the meantime, we're here for you. We all understand, we all relate. So type away here as much as you like and we'll be here, listening.

**Trishlm89** · 08-14-2011 03:38 AM

first of all.. it's DEFINITELY not your fault! Most of the time when someone cheats it's that they are simply not ready for a committed relationship. They may say they are but deep down they really aren't. I understand that you have been in a very long relationship but like you said you've been unhappy for years with him. You need to be able to be happy. Relationships don't work if you're not happy with your partner. I know it's hard to let go of someone you've come accustomed to.
When it comes to going into debt b/c you're helping your partner... been there done that.
I moved away from my family 4 years ago to go to college. I ended up moving in with my bf at the time. He never got a job. Not only was i trying to go to college, i was working two jobs just to pay try and pay for everything. I eventually let him go, after 7 months of putting up with his . I still have bad credit, still owe creditors, and can't go back to college again until i pay them back.
If you continue to help him you are just enabling him.

But, breakups are always hard. No matter if you were completely happy with the person or very unhappy with them. The pain eases with time. You just have to give it time. If he has cheated on you and lied to you though, you need to just let him go. No one deserves to be treated that way. NO ONE!

**Trishlm89** · 08-14-2011 03:43 AM

Originally Posted by Mes T

It's important to learn from everything that happens to us, though. Please, please take this as a lesson in what type of person you are, and what type of person you need as a partner. Don't let history repeat itself for a third time, you're better than that.

I completely agree! After many failed relationships i began to blame myself but that wasn't it. I looked back and found things i liked and what i didn't like about these guys. Figured out how i handled certain situations and figured out what was good and bad. Trust me, I analyzed everything! And now i'm happy as can be with the greatest guy!
[QUOTEMes T;28773]
Please, please enjoy being single. Grow into the person you want to be. Become strong, independent, happy.

You are so lucky to have this chance now, don't waste it. Forget about dating for a while.
[/QUOTE]

I agree with this also. You just need to become stronger and more independent. Enjoy being single. Have fun!

**grace7** · 08-14-2011 04:01 AM

Mes T, Thank you. It means the world that someone can understand and relate and most important listen. It takes a lot of my chest to tell the story. I know i can get through this I know i will be happier its just getting there. Having the motivation to not contact him not think about him. Im moving away in a few weeks and going to start college which i hope is the best decision iv'e ever made. And being away from him hopefully will make things easier. In the mean time i have stuff of his in my house and my stuff in his. Im going to get it over and done with pick my stuff up and give his back so i can move on and not keep in contact in when i can get my things. I hope this isnt too much of a bad idea and i really hope i can be strong when i see him. Thank you ladies x

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-14-2011 09:38 AM

Glad you're here grace.

Moving away and starting college? THE best decision you've made thus far. And I can say that not knowing you hardly at all. Why? Because it's going to open up SO many awesome doors for you. IF you're willing to let your co-dependent past go....... and it sounds like you are.

Don't meet him to swap your things. Arrange a drop off point. For example: a mutual friends home, a family member, etc. There is simply no need in rubbing salt in your fresh wound. The swapping of items is often a sad moment, and you just don't need that right now. There's no need in it. It isn't going to change him. It may make him beg for you to come back, but you'll be going back to the exact same man.

It's time to break the chain of co-dependency and abuse. You're the only one who can break that chain. Breaking up is tough, it hurts, there will be moments you feel so weak you don't know if you can be strong, but if you can get past those there WILL be brighter days.

**jns** · 08-14-2011 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by grace7

Where do i begin.. iv'e never used a site like this before and through reading messages from others it is helping me cope to hear other people going through the same thing and slowly overcoming their problems..
me and my partner finished a few days ago, iv'e been so unhappy with my partner for years, he cheats (iv'e found out many times) he lies, he just isnt the nicest person but i practically begged him to stay with me! why?? cause i am so afraid of being on my own. Iv'e been in 2 relationships in my life both very long relationships and not good ones either. My first hit me for many years and now this one cheats on me. It must be my fault. I think over and over its my fault. Its so difficult to move on as iv'e never been happy, i have nothing to look forward to by not being with him as iv'e never felt genuine happiness.
Iv'e got myself into debt by helping him with all his debts which he has soo many. I do everything for him, and he knows it too. Now 1 week away with his mates and he comes home a changed man saying he wants to get out of debt, wants to get a job he's happy with, and move in with his mates. All of which i am happy he's finally deciding to get his act together.. but he 'doesn't know about us anymore'. I feel so used, and that the time iv'e wasted helping and putting my life on hold for him was stupid. Iv'e lost my friends as they all hate him and dont understand why iv'e stayed with him so long.
I just cant understand why it hurts so so much. Iv'e taken a day off work and iv'e cried and cried. Iv'e not eaten a single thing since. Please any advice or even a chat would lift my spirits a bit.

Cry it out. After a while you will start to feel better. But don't reverse course. Sometimes it takes a while for a person to see another in a true light. Don't beat yourself up on that.